I have been holding out on you all recently. Sooo much is happening; there's so much to tell...so; we'll do this list style ;)
1) I have renewed my vow to start updating more often. I've been breezing through life and not sharing; it's quite selfish and I've been cheating myself out of the opportunity to breathe.
2) in less than 36 hours I will be on my way to California. I will upload as many pictures to Instagram (Srstri91) as possible to share this journey with you all. Most would be excited for this trip; and I am to a degree. I will share that part in a moment though.
I have many many concerns about this trip. First and foremost is my Grandmother. As you all from my previous blog know; her health is not the best. But she wants this trip more than anything. So I'm taking her. It involves a setback financially, two weeks and two days away from home (without my baby boy), a strict timeline for dialysis sake (across the COUNTRY!), long car rides with none other than Country Boy (oh we'll explore that one in a moment), I'm sure there will be "accidents" to clean up, lots of packing (she has a purse-like thing specifically for all of her medicines), family I haven't seen in years or have never met; and our final destination is one of my favorite uncles who is dying of cancer...
Oh yes, this is a trip and a half. I worry about something happening to her while we're on the road: what will we do, where will we go, am I able to handle that kind of trauma, the list of insecurities goes on. I don't know how I will make it so long without my baby boy. He is after all my reason for living. He's my light every day. I have taken several videos over the past few days trying to capture moments to ease that kind of pain. Several friends/relatives have also downloaded an app for video chatting. The strict schedule I'm not so worried about;it's more of what to do during the four hours she's in dialysis and we're halfway/all-the-way across the country. No kitchens to clean or kickball to play there. And Country Boy; invited with no regard to my thoughts/emotions on the matter. This is not healthy for his growth and healing. I pray that he doesn't get negatively impacted by this trip; though I already know I will have to sift through the guilt when he is. He knows it was not my idea for him to go, he knows this trip is not about me or him or what used to be an us. It is about her. It is about some of her last wishes which I REFUSE to deny her. He will still get mixed emotions and nothing I do or say will help ease those...then there is my uncle. I've always been a princess to him; always been a golden girl in his eye. I love him unconditionally and don't know how hard it will be to see him in his current state. I have missed him terribly though and will cherish his company.
Now to the good parts...the scenery is breathtaking. So far we are going to see an old western town, the St Louis Arch, the Grand Canyon, the worlds largest Mcdonalds, the Cadellac Graveyard, and Albequerque in New Mexico (one of my favorite places on the planet). The desert has long been one of my favorite places on earth and we will be spending a lot of time there. I'm ecstatic to see the colors of the sun washing over the red rock and it's rivers of shiny minerals passing through it. The cacti standing so proud, the heat wavering up from the ground in shimmer disillusion. I can't wait to bask in the warmth of the sun while calling out to nature as it echoes through the Grand Canyon. Seeing a legit old western town excites the country girl in me and being back in Boron, California will transport me to childhood where a simple piece of Borax was so magical and amazing. Riding into the sunset over sand dunes to have a desert bonfire as the sand loses warmth is an old past-time and to think I will be so close to the brother and sister I've never met...we will pass through every emotion and type of landscape you could imagine and each one is breathtakingly beautiful in it's own unique way.
3) B. Oh he's magical...a prince charming and ever so naturally. He accepts me as I am and loves me no matter the mood or state I am in. The days that are hard for me he gives extra support; the days that are easier flow with laughter from his silly jokes. Seeing him interact with my baby brings a whole new level to the table. Already he is teaching him respect and manners; mostly by example. Opening doors and helping clean after dinner, showing healthy affection and being a gentleman. We all play kickball and build houses from Lincoln Logs, he knows every word to Spiderman (without complaint). Our first night spent together was a bonfire and then laying in the bed of his truck talking while watching the stars. We danced under those stars and he sung country songs to me. I didn't sing to him that night but a few nights later I was singing when he arrived. I've never felt more empowered in my voice (y'all know a pen and paper is easier for me) than I did when I saw the genuine surprise and joy on his face. The way he holds me says he never wants to let go and the little things he does are so wonderful. He keeps saying "I don't understand; I just do what I've always done". Roses at work, home-made lunch, sweet notes left for me to read. It's more than that though. Real hugs, passionate kisses, truth in his eyes, no secrets. We have both bared it all and through that vulnerability and nakedness we have seen something in the other that is incomparable. It's like our souls have intertwined. I literally ache when he is not near (which is why I have not slept tonight). I had always dreamed of a love like this. People told me for years that it was just silly fantasies my Daddy had put in my head. Then one night he said "you are my princess; and you deserve everything you think is so special in me because I see that and more in you". My Daddy once said I would find my Raja(Bangladesh language for prince) and that I shouldn't stop searching until I knew because I was his Rani(princess). I cried when B said those words to me. And he wiped away every tear while holding me. See; Daddy's birthday is the same day I leave. That brings us to
3) I miss my Daddy. Another year with an un-eaten cake. Another year with memories and occasional angel-fingers filtering through the window. Old songs on the radio reminding my heart that Daddy is there. I know that one day I will see him again and when that day comes every scar will disappear. That is my belief, my Faith, and the power of love from a forgiving God. My Daddy instilled that Faith in me and though it's been tested and sometimes forgotten over the years I have regained that Faith and hold to it fiercely. It's one of the few things I have left from my Daddy. His birthday will be spent driving this year; but I know the piece of him in me will enjoy the scenery.
4) Boo. We have come to terms with the fact that we are no longer best friends. We had a huge blowout because of a difference in life choices. We didn't speak for a couple of months and when we did the other ay it was as if we were walking on eggshells. There have been moments I have deeply missed her; but I think getting everything out in the open will benefit us both in the long run. We now have an opportunity to forge a new relationship instead of trying so desperately to cling to that "best friend" status quo.
With all of this I must try to catch a nap before a busy day. Doctor for Grams, work, then loading the car for our trip. One last night with B before our two week separation (can you say anxiety attack), dialysis while I finish the preparations and then we are California bound. Love you all and sweet dreams! Also; share my blows if you will: they're intended to reach people!
