Y'all it's been so long. For so long I've been hiding behind walls and barriers, not really feeling or breathing or living. I definitely made some huge life changes recently. I'm not quite sure where to delve in first, but I guess I'll start with myself?
I acquired some new friends. Those deep, soul wrenching, heart to heart friends. Of course I still have most of the friends I had before, but these one or two people made me shine light in myself where I had been casting shadows out of fear. You see, Country Boy and I... we didn't work out. So much control, so much fear, so many nights spent feeling alone with a warm body laying next to me. Eventually I just started sleeping in another room. I couldn't do it anymore. And I tried. Lord heal my hurting heart, I did try. We had a plan, we were putting forth effort. But I just reached this place... I was completely indifferent. It honestly almost sent me into a panic attack. Like that moment of indifference threatened to overwhelm my heart and soul with so many emotions I couldn't even breathe. So I decided it was over. Right then and there. It's like, I started opening all of these doors and exploring my own heart and things went haywire. I started voicing my needs and wants and we just couldn't bear. So now here I am. I hear he's doing well, and for that I'm grateful. Since then things have been so hectic I haven't really had any time for myself. It's constantly go go go when I need to stop stop stop. I can't though. I'm a mom with two beautiful babies and a group of wonderfully loyal and amazing friends. Still, this is why I find myself sitting in a bath tonight. Not only am I sick, but I'm also just plain worn out. I've found it difficult to write recently because I haven't had the time to sit down and delve into that deeper level. I need to start making time though. Seriously. Before this life overwhelms me and stifles the parts of me that are still new and fresh to the world, those parts that almost got destroyed again. I've been living a life of routine and I need to remember to take those moments offered for peace and clarity and a soul deep appreciate for the blessings in my life. I feel like I'm rambling at this point and my concentration was totally just broken... I seriously just need some time to breathe and feel in the most raw of manners. I think I may do that soon. Just take some time to run away for me. Walk through a park or something. Clear the air and release the pent up emotions in me. There aren't many here I can honestly talk to on that raw level.
Anywho, I guess I covered two in one there? The rest will have to wait till later because I'm not ready to share. I hate that I've become this again. I hate that I've spent so long in my relationship hiding things that I now hide them from myself and others again. I had become so free and raw and real. But. This shell of a woman is rising again, one raw moment at a time. Never again will I fall "victim" to the type of control that has a hold on your very thoughts. It wasn't even intentional I don't think. I just know that the intensity and anguish were real and raw and they hurt, but they were hidden. I wasn't too become that real raw beauty again. I need that in myself. I need that feeling in myself. Trust. Reality. Raw. Beauty in happiness and misery. Those raw real moments. Those are what I live for, and I forgot how to release them myself.
