Well then.

I've held off sharing this for quite a while, but now it's rather eating me alive. A little over two months ago they told me I have abnormal cells on my cervix. I'm used to that. What I want used to is the alarm it caused my baby doctor. She scheduled me to have a colposcopy. It's a simple procedure where they place some dye on your cervix and take some up close pictures to determine if the cells are dangerous. So we scheduled the appointment, went in and paid for it, then waited almost two hours. A new doctor I had never seen walked into the room after I was prepared for the procedure and told me they weren't going to do it. He said the rules had changed and they didn't do the procedure on anyone under 24 (I'll be a lovely 23 in a couple of weeks). This raised immediate red flags to me, as my doctor is really the only one I trusted in that office. I asked if they could speak with my doctor about it and they said it wouldn't change anything. Then I asked why they wouldn't do the test. Apparently it is now considered normal for a woman my age to have abnormal cells (according to my medical records the results said "high risk abnormal cells"). He then proceeded to tell me that I had a 33% chance of having cancer so it was okay. So we asked to be reimbursed for our payment and went home. Now, I had already been looking at other doctors because of the inconsistency and chaos of this doctor office. With this new information I kicked it into overtime, got my insurance straightened out and found a doctor I liked. So we go to the new guy, and he does a new test. This leads to today. Regular baby check up (he's doing great!) and the results from my latest test came back. My once abnormal cells are now mildly precancerous. It is too late in my pregnancy to do the colposcopy. Within about two months I went from abnormal to precancer. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Regardless, once I have baby William we are going to do the procedure, along with a biopsy and scan of my other organs. If all returns well we can go in, freeze the precancer cells and scrape them off. From there it's a new test 4-6 weeks later, with all going well it will then be every six months. I went from a 33% chance of cancer to 50/50 in what seems like the blink of an eye. Even in the worst scenario it'll be a hysterectomy and possible short term chemo (and that's only if it's really bad). So I keep telling myself everything will be okay. I keep telling everyone that is alright. But it's not. It's the possibility that I have fucking cancer. I mean, come on people! I'm trying to stay positive for those around me that know what's going on. But this is the bottom line folks: I'm terrified. I am scared senseless. I know I'll be alright, you know I'll be alright. But cancer is cancer, no matter how treatable it is. Everyone is like "you'll be fine" "it'll all work out" "technology is great these days" "it's the most curable kind". True, we don't know if it is actually cancer yet. Is it too much to ask though for some raw honesty? I see the fear in your eyes people! This false positivity is killing me. Just be real so I can be too! My sister has been about the most honest with me. I talked to her earlier when I got the news. I said "Sissy, I'm fucking scared". You know what her response was? She said,  "I am too". In that one brief moment of raw, real emotion, I felt better than I have all day. Thank God it's not just me. Thank God someone else feels this way. I know with her I can let down those walls of "being strong" and hey down to the heart of the matter. She's still got that positivity. She knows I'll be okay, we've braved shit more fear instilling than some stupid cells. But I know, in the middle of the night, I can call her crying and terrified. I won't be alone though. She'll match me treat for tear and then tell me to pull it together when I've let it all out. Is that too much to ask of people? Because that's what I need...