Well, just a little earlier I said I wasn't writing in this for a bit, but I decided it's slightly easier than writing everything out by hand. Especially after three pages front and back of a hand written portion. So here is what has been on my mind:
My home: is a whirlwind of projects that need to be done. A never ending list that only I seem to see, probably because of my inability to leave well enough alone when it comes to organization and cleanliness. I am extremely detail oriented and it shows through my pages upon pages of to-do lists in my head. I stopped writing them out a while back because it was overwhelming for those around me. But I need an outlet. I feel as if I'm driving myself crazy over what seems like silly things to other people. They're important to me though, even if I don't quite understand why. How can I ask others to understand though if I don't? I guess acceptance is the main thing I seek, but that's hard to find when you're the project oriented crazy ocd pregnant lady. I don't even know how to begin asking for that acceptance without understanding first. I need the help of my support group and don't know how to tell them what I need exactly. Mostly because I'm not quite sure what I need. Some days I need space to work through it on my own, other days I desperately cru out inside wishing they would take the initiative to complete something without my having to ask, there are even days I want them to stay out of my way but at least ask me if I need help.
Cancer: the biopsy is getting closer and closer the farther along I get in this pregnancy. It's terrifying to me as I've mentioned before. Those feelings are amplifying and everyone keeps brushing it off as if it isn't a possibility until it becomes a reality. The possibility is very much so real to me though, and the repercussions that would follow in the aftermath if it is cancer. I have no outlet for those emotions either as I feel it would unduly stress others to talk about it at this time.
Custody of baby William: lets face it here, I was extremely unwise and naive in my perception of his father. Now I am constantly worrying about the welfare of this baby emotionally. I am bringing a child into a very unstable environment where his father and I are concerned. We can't seem to reach any agreements and though I am trying my hardest to be civil and fair, I find myself wishing I had lied to him and told him this child wasn't his. Given my own past, I can't do that to my child though. He deserves to know who is father is, no matter how difficult the situation is to deal with. I feel guilt for bringing my baby into such a ridiculous facade of decency. In my own personal opinion his father is childish, not at all ready for this child or the responsibility he will find himself facing soon. You can't sweet talk, lie or manipulate your way out of caring for a child. Though I wouldn't feel any remorse if he chose to give up his parental rights and walk away, I would forever harbor guilt where our son is concerned. He deserves better than the situation he it's being born into and my being naive about his father is a large part of the reason he is being born into such a situation. I can only pray that his father grows quickly and does what is best for our son, regardless of our personal differences. Please allow me to clarify here. I don't think his father is a bad person per say. I think he often had good intentions, but went about things horribly and then his character turned south when things didn't work out his way. That is why I am still fighting (against everyone around me as well) to handle this as fairly as possible. Do I resent him? Yes. But I still believe that he will do his best when it comes to our son IF he can work past his immaturity. I am not saying I'm prefect either, but I am working on my own faults in order to be fair. I triple think every decision to make sure it's what would be best for my kids and not just something I want out of spite or ill feelings towards him. I believe he may be trying to do the same, but I currently see no results from his efforts if there are any.
Country Boy: we've been back together for six months now. I can honestly say I learned a great deal about myself and grew exponentially in our separation, but I've grown and learned even more since deciding to "join ranks" again. I've come to realize my own fears and insecurities and the problems they created that led to me leaving. Not to say he's perfect, but we're definitely good for each other and our relationship is now a healthy one that continues to grow stronger every day.
Life: I am struggling internally. Emotional hurricanes are sweeping through me daily along with the constant babble of the issues mentioned here. Most days I am beyond drained without the words to express the emotional turmoil I'm feeling inside and it seems nobody notices the light slowly fading from my eyes because they have their own concerns to deal with. I feel enough like a burden with all that people are doing to help me, but honestly what I need most is for someone -anyone- to realize that I am NOT okay. I need emotional release and currently have no healthy outlets other than this blog and the words I fill it with. Sometimes, I wonder if even this makes a difference. If one of my crew were to read it, would they understand? Or would they lash out feeling hurt that I don't have the actual words to SPEAK what I so intensely feel. Sometimes a woman just needs an understanding compassionate hug to hold her together while she falls apart. It seems silly to ask for that though, so I'll improvise with writing all those jumbled words here. This also goes hand in hand with the fear that opening up that kind of vulnerability will make those around me think I am weak and need constant emotional care. The reality of the matter is that I generally have my emotional ducks at least swimming together, if not all in a row. Sometimes though, a few choose to wander off and I end up here again ;)
Anywho, I'm going to attempt sleep now. I know that this all seems a bit drab and dark, but please be assured that there is still plenty of light and blessings in my life. This is merely a place I can release the dark. I choose to share the light with those around me rather than burdening them with the dark moments/thoughts/worries/fears. Sweet dreams world.
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