Prayers

Sometimes it's just too much, ya know? The weight of everything held inside seeps out regardless of how much you try to contain it and handle it. And then its like this explosion of insanity towards everyone around but no matter how hard you try you just can't get yourself in check. And then you find yourself staring in the mirror asking your reflection to just hold on, to make it through, to stop shedding those tears and don't let them know you're down. But that's just the thing. I am down. I am down and hurting and grasping onto any small sliver of hope that things are going to get easier inside my own heart. And this huge part of me wants to reach out but I can't bring myself to. I don't want to feel like I'm making excuses or bring other people into my own hurt. I know that other people have things going on so I'm trying my best to just hold on and make it through and be understanding of others and still take care of my never ending responsibilities but I can still feel those around me suffering the consequences of the shit going on inside me. And I don't know what to do. I keep turning away so they don't see my tears. I'm failing at biting my tongue today and holding in all these emotions. Its like its all spilling out but in the oh so wrong ways...and for now, I must attempt to sleep because tomorrow is another day and I've gotta stay strong...I need prayers y'all. Lots of prayers.

Rainy Days

Oh they're my favorite... It's beautiful and magical to watch the earth nourish itself, washing away debris and toxins, soaking in fresh resources, the smell of clean and free. Not caring if it's anything to anyone else, just nurturing herself. There's something incredibly  beautiful and magical about the days the earth chooses to do this. And sometimes I wonder why we as humans can't do this ourselves. If we're getting a little dry or weighted down or blue. I want to. So if I can, and sometimes even when I shouldn't, I choose to embrace the rain. Staring out the window watching it is depressing, listening to it's song as it pours down is like a calling. A longing. A missed embrace. Especially when I'm already feeling blue. So love me in these moments. As I dress, watch my eyes light up with the magic. See my cheeks blush with excitement, the color washing over my skin coming from within like a glow that's been covered far too long by the world. Hear as my breath catches on the roll of thunder and my eye flash with increasing intensity each time lightning strikes. Allow me to feel beauty in these moments -in myself and this earth and the magical being she is. Don't question, don't tease. Join me, if you will. And if not simply step back to see. Watch how I breathe so deeply, taking in every fresh scent, cleansing my soul. Dance with me, spin in circles, freeing myself from the chains of every day living -from trying so hard to be normal. Because we all know how much it's a struggle.  Allow me to be me. Soak in the moments as I soak in the rain and remember what it's like to be free, child-like in wonder and full of potential and confidence and life. Hear true laughter from my heart as it beats with each passing drop, cleansing itself of worry and stress. And in that moment when it's all gone, when the bad has been removed by the beauty of this earth, look at me. Truly look and see the way I'm lit from within. Gaze into my eyes and you'll see the depths of my soul. See me as I wish I could be every day, bare to the soul and magical and full of love and laughter and light. Soak in that moment because all too soon it's gone and reality returns to weight down on my soul just as the rain stops and the earth begins to face us all once more. Bare yourself and take me in your arms as only you can. Dance with me to a song only we can hear -the rain beating down and our hearts racing and laughter floating through the air. No, my dear, don't question or assume or overthink. Not in these moments. Not like this. Just be. And breathe. Watch...no, admire. As the magic of the earth reminds me of who I'm meant to be.