Expectations...

I'm trying so hard not to be angry with you. But the truth is I'm livid. And I keep telling myself it's because of all these expectations I've got set in my own head. I know this. Yet it's not any easier to bear. So now I've fallen into this depression. And I'm trying so hard. But it doesn't seem to get me anywhere. A baby step here, a half step there. It's all too much. And I keep saying that it'll be okay. We can make it work. But I'm so tired of working and working and working. I won't give up. This I know. They always say that when one is weak the other is their support. What happens when we're both weak though? What happens when we've both hit the floor? I keep saying, pick yourself up. Get moving. Trudge a little further. But I don't want to. I want you to stand up. I want you to move forward. I want it to be your hand reaching down to pick me up off the floor. I am tired. I am scared. I am worried. I am doing my best not to complain but I also feel like I'm two seconds from shattering. I can handle this alone. I've done it before. But that's not how it's supposed to be anymore. We're supposed to be partners. Lifting each other up. And so I'm angry with you. I've fallen yet nobody is here to pick up my slack. I have to keep going through the motions. Watching as you struggle too. "I wish I was strong enough for both of us". But I'm not. Not right now. I need your strength. I need your embrace. I need your reassurance. I need you to step up where I've been knocked down. But that's not how this works. So what I really need is to pull myself together. It's just never been this hard before...the weight of not only my world, but three others, is on my shoulders. And I so badly want to say "come hold me, this is supposed to be our burden to share". But it isn't. It's mine. And I knew this from the start. So how do I let go of those expectations? How do I regain my confidence in myself rather than silently begging for your support? I've gotta get up...I've gotta put another foot forward...