Today

In the past half hour I've wasted about 9% of my battery prolonging actually beginning this. Today though, I chatted with someone I knew long ago and not only was I greatly blessed -I was also rather enlightened and inspired. You see, normally a day like today would have completely drained me. It would have left me feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, and probably more than slightly crazed. But not today. I don't know if it is indeed the solar eclipse, or maybe it was just God's way of answering prayers. Or maybe both of those are one in the same. Regardless, the effect has been greatly felt. For today I know the effect I have on others and I am inspired to let that bring out the true me. The me that often hides behind worry, fear, and a feeling of inadequacy. The me that often smiles without the light touching my eyes. Today was chaos in its purest form. The baby didn't sleep last night, which means neither did I. No nap, 7 months pregnant, chasing an 18 month old and trying to accomplish several tasks all in one day. But you know what? Recently I haven't laughed more, felt more, had my heart so overflowing as I did today. I felt more like myself than ever. I've forgotten so much how much I absolutely adore being home with my babies. And the dirty dishes are still in the sink from dinner, the laundry has reached an alarming amount, the toys are still scattered about the living room floor. Our rooms are messes, my bathroom sink is dirty. The wardrobe was not indeed moved upstairs. But you know what? I don't care. And days like today are absolutely beautiful. Most of you know that having bipolar 2 and an odd form of OCD are part of my every day life. On top of being mother, wife, and jack-of-all-trades. Even earlier I was talking to my sister and asked "was there always this much to do? How did I do it all AND work?!" I thought for a moment I had lost my superwoman mojo. But I didn't. I regained it. My house is a wreck and I'm still happy. Still overflowing with joy. To me this is one of the biggest triumphs, a true reason to rejoice. Today, and maybe not tomorrow but definitely today, I have overcome. I have touched hearts and allowed mine to be open to being touched by others. I have not melted down into a cesspool of despair. I am not crawling all over because there is a speck of dirt. No, today I am wholly myself and full of love and victory. I laughed with my children. Danced in the living room. Kicked that giant red bouncy ball a thousand and one times. Sang silly songs. Taught life lessons (or at least tried to). Reconnected with people that seem from another lifetime that I didn't even realized I missed until they reached out. Today I lived. I played in the sunshine, encouraged exploring the unknown, soaked up the proud moments of learning a new "trick" on the bike that still has training wheels (this is apparently a huge thing to a kindergartener). I've listened to babbling stories, and even just incoherent babbling with the greatest of attention. Still managed to cook dinner while dancing over the toys scattered over the kitchen floor. I have embraced every moment of the chaos. I have kissed my husband in the few moments we could spare, longed for his embrace with an essence exhaustion often times places on the back burner. I have craved him as my friend and the amazing man he is. I have admired as he came home from a long day at work to immediately and JOYFULLY jump into the chaos running rampant through our home. And I have never been more proud. I have never been more full of love. For the way he looks at me when he thinks I'm preoccupied, or the joy across my children's faces at spending so much time with me, for the minor victories of the day that are actually quite great. I'm full of it all. And I feel great. Exhausted, yes I am. But feeling great never the less. And I am praying I can continue to dine through tomorrow. Maybe even the day after. The stress is still there, the fears and worries. Yet somehow today love has overpowered the fog that rolls in with them and allowed me to feel joy. This is the universes magic. This is what we call a miracle.