Sometimes, during the silky embrace of the night, I allow myself to think of you. The warmth of your hand running through my hair, the sound of your heart against my ear, the strength of your arms around me. In those moments, I love you still. I breathe the emotions almost easier than I breathe the air. There's a familiarity there, a comfort in the memory. I allow my heart to wander, finding where you are. And though I will never open that door again, the could have beens seep through the wood once more.
Sometimes in the light of the day, I hear your laughter floating through the air. It takes me back to those mornings spent talking and sharing and the merriment there. I hear the dog getting jealous, and sports on the telly. I see the way the sunshine plays against your hair. I remember that morning as you cooked us breakfast, the way the light came through the window. And I sat there picking music as you laughed at my choices, though it was your collection I was choosing from. I again feel your shirt wrapped around me, smell the food on the stove. And there it is. That moment I knew you just had to be the guy I had been searching for. I glanced up for a moment, as the sun lit the room around you and laughter filled the air. The smile on your face was the most genuine thing I ever have seen. The light in your eyes shone straight through me. In that single breathtakingly beautiful moment, I had never wanted you more.
Sometimes I wonder, will our paths ever cross again? In some distant future will your soul remember mine? I pick up the phone to ask you, for these are things we used to share. Remembering the last conversation we ever had, the sadness returns. The moments are gone but I am still here. And though your bare skin never caressed mine, I physically feel the whispers of your words in the wind. It's in these moments I know, I was truly naked around you. It's in these moments I know that the future will never be ours, but part of me will always remain with you. You were a soul mate, though what kind I wasn't aware.
Now I know. You taught me so much about my own heart, about my wants and dreams. I guess somewhere along the way I lost sight of that kind of friendship, or maybe pure friendship was never really there. All I can say in this moment is that I miss you still. I pray that some day in the future your soul recognizes mine and once again we can be friends. I pray that you understand the way you reached me to the core. That deepness and beauty and a connection like never before. No, I won't go back there, not with you. Forever, though, my heart will remember.

Hear beneath the simplicity of words.

I tell you these things, I rip apart my soul and hand you the pieces in little bits of information. I don't think you even realize that. These things I tell you are more than mere information, each thing is tied to a part of my soul. I try so hard to gain your understanding, to show you the vulnerabilities in me nobody else can see. This information comes to you in all of these little things I tell you in those late night conversations. I tell you- not to strike fear in your heart, not to bring stress upon you, not even to merely point out our weaknesses. No, I tell you these things so you know. You see: this journey we're on will never be easy. There will be ups and downs and all arounds. Some days I will be free and breeze through life as though the wind itself carries me. Others I will be so broken I may blow away should just one more breeze caress my skin. And I open my soul to you so you know, so you understand every little piece that makes me a whole person. Every concern, every joy. Every fear, every hope. I tell you these things so you know my heart, where fear threatens to win and the past haunts every thought. Because in our darkest hours, where fear abounds and stress makes a mess, you will know. You will see into the depths of that chaotic storm that is me and know where we stand in reality. You will still see your hold on my heart because you will know, whether I can show you or not. You are my solid ground. I tell you these things so we know where to work. Because to work together on these things is to gain a bond so strong the pull of the moon couldn't rip us apart.  We all know my love for the moon, so think of what this must mean of my love for you to be willing to tell you these things. I do not speak out of anger or hurt. Those emotions would make me hide these things I've been trying to tell you. So when the times are hard and I tell you these things, I tell you to fight the storm trying to tear us apart. The very storm that threatens to rip me apart in the quiet of the night, with or without your love near. I know that it is a plentiful weight I lay on your shoulders, as I tell you these things. Please know though, I tell you so you have a fighting chance. I tell you these things so that in those moments of darkness you have these little reminders, these little pieces of my soul to aid you. I tell you these things to add another piece of armor to our love, gaining strength until we are unbreakable. Know these things, learn these things, study these things, work on these things. For in our weakest moments, as the storm rages and the wind rips through and we feel like we're drowning, these things I tell you will come to light. For these are the things that will make us or break us. I tell you these things because together we can weather the storm, but separate it's vast and all consuming. So listen carefully my love, as I give you these pieces of my soul when I tell you these things.

The brokenness of a little girl...

The cold winds are here
Going straight through my soul
Knowing this year
You'd be 56 years old
It's your voice I want to hear
Full of wisdom and love

I was your Angel. You told me so. Your laughter filled the room. Your voice fills my head. If you were happy you sang. If you were sad you prayed. Things got so tough. Still, you weren't dead. That day plays in my mind. No smile, no laugh, no joy. Now I'm left here all alone. Knowing you'd be 56 years old. You said "I'm going home my dear. There's no need to fear." What you never knew, was you were my angel too.

So... I'm sitting here with a little miracle we call babies. He's eleven days old. How crazy is that? And I'm crying my eyes out because I wish daddy was here. This little bundle of joy carries his name, but my heart carries his love. I am saddened that my boys will never know the man that raised me. Even as he knew he was dying he kept his spirits up and gave all he had to us kids. Never again will I hear his silly songs about boogers in his nose or Jeremiah the bullfrog. Never again will his words of wisdom fall on my ears. He was my rock through the storms, my protector though he was bed ridden. He loved us so unconditionally words could never truly explain. Then he was gone. Just like that, without a word. Ten years later I'm still in tears. He was the greatest man I ever knew. Me and little William Clay have a full day today with a friends goodbye party this evening. But the cake is still on the table, and I can't bring myself to cut it. 56 years old, if only you had made it this far...I will always be Daddy's little girl. Your words of wisdom are my strength, your kind heart my guide, your knowledge my drive to learn, your songs my voice to sing, and mostly your love to get me through. Happy birthday Daddy. I hope they have cake up above.