Everything. I need a job, the boys need stability, I need at least a basic outline of a routine to get things done around here. I need time for me, to breathe and look out into the darkness, a vast abyss, where I find myself best. I don't want to be single, but I'm tired of jumping into things I know won't work. I need a man that's going to understand me completely. And that's hard. But I know he's out there. Yet everytime someone gets close or starts to even attempt to reach the depths of my soul that I keep hidden, I run. I just feel like when he's the right one he'll be able to see through those barriers from the start. He'll be strong enough to hold me together while I fall apart in his arms and allow him to examine all those little parts of me that gather like stardust to make up the very essence of who I am. I'm an empath. I feel way more than most people do. I see things in a different light. And I want someone to experience the world at least similarly to how I do, but I'm terrified of giving someone the ability to get that deep. I want a man to seduce my soul. I want deep conversations about life and random things. I want laughter and joy and jokes because I'm fucking hilarious. I want to be able to share a look that exchanges a thousand words. I want someone to be a family with me and my children. To accept us as we are, yet also to help us constantly grow. I have this vision in my head, these dreams. I just don't think they'll ever be a reality... I'm not necessarily afraid of letting a man love me. It's just that every man I've ever been with doesn't truly get it. They love the idea of me, the side I don't share with the world. But they don't truly understand it, and when you let the wrong people in they fuck shit up regardless of their intentions. I will forever be an essence they're grasping for and can't quite reach. You know that feeling you get? When someone looks in your eyes and sees straight through to your soul? I want that. I crave it, and I feel like it's unattainable because I'm so different. The Sarah most people see daily is only the surface of what's truly there. But all those extra things beneath the "I can do anything" exterior are constantly screaming out to be released, to be shown to the world. The only trouble there is that people don't get it, and then you're separated from those you do truly love because they can't understand. And it's not that they don't want to, they just can't. So simple yet absolutely infuriating in the same breath.
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