Tonight

Really it's morning, but I have yet to sleep. For some reason I've fought tears most of the day. I've tried distracting myself with numerous tasks but it's been to no avail. I'm torn and I'm confused and I'm hopeful and I'm scared. Scared. Like the heart wrenching, I want to run away but I can't type of fear. For years now I've dated guys and fell into this honeymoon phase and thought I loved them (though I did in some ways) but then snapped back to reality and knew it wouldn't work. Looking back I've realized this pattern of pointless relationships over and over. Maybe not necessarily pointless, but not built on a solid foundation or in a healthy manner. In the end people got hurt when all they ever did was try. The exceptions to that were my ex husband, country boy and no. With Raja there was no honeymoon phase. We went straight from friends with benefits to having a baby and living together. I knew when I fell for him that he would never feel the same for me. I was a rebound for him, that turned into something more and then shattered. And that's okay. With No, I was his from the moment our eyes met. He touched places of my soul I never even knew existed to be honest. Then he ripped my soul to shreds, and even now: that's okay. In both of those relationships (well, relationship and I don't even know what to call all that) I learned a lot. Both broke me open and taught me things about myself, things about life, things about love. Both also left me with some pretty hefty scars. With country boy we both really wanted things to work. But the connection just wasn't there. No soul deep level, no true understanding. I'm not even going into the rest of it, I think I've written about it somewhere. The scars from that are still fresh. So now here I am facing every single bit of that. Looking at myself wholly and honestly and in a manner most would call raw. I see the patterns of my other relationships and realize how ridiculous they were. How much I put others through for my own selfish wants rather than holding out for what I needed. In a sense I used these people to fill a void within myself, even if it was only temporarily. Granted - those were not my intentions, nor would I ever consciously use someone else's emotions to my advantage. But it happened. Repeatedly. Of course, the moment I recognized and broke that cycle all Hell has broken loose in my mind/heart. I've been talking to someone recently, and you can technically say we're dating (though we've never actually been on a date). I'm not in love, in not even crazy gaga. But the fear I feel in my heart tells me that I could easily fall for him. Like the real kind of opening your soul and letting someone in kind of falling for someone. Yet I barely know him. Even still I find myself missing him when he's not here or I'm not there. Part of me is grateful for the distance between us and the rest of me is frustrated. The grateful part wins mostly because I'm terrified I would jump into things and end up falling for him and he won't feel the same for me. I know that I don't know him well enough to love him, but I do really really like him. That's some scary shit. I don't watch my phone waiting for a response. I don't crave people's presence. It's always been "if you're here you're here and if you're not you're not". He makes me face myself, though I don't think he knows that. Every insecurity, every fear, every doubt. Tonight I sent him a long message trying to communicate though it didn't come out right. But his response makes me question myself the more I think about it. And not in a negative manner, I need to continue growing. Plus, he had a point. I'm not used to people in general keeping a distance from me. Most people meet me and instantly fall head over heels (relationships or friends). I'm not sure why, and often times it's honestly annoying. I'm a human. I have flaws just like everyone else but most men in my life have always either chosen to ignore them or tried to "fix" me. He doesn't, or at least hasn't so far. Any time I've actually allowed myself to be vulnerable around him (which we all know is extremely difficult for me), he's just been there. He'll ask a question or give me his perspective and then let me figure it out on my own. It's liberating and terrifying all at once. It's what I need to truly grow, and that in itself scares the shit out of me. Here is a man that gives me what I need, and then gives me the space to grow on my own. He gets things like nobody else ever has as well. Besides little sister but that's obviously different. He gets the way I view the world, my thought processes, the silly little things I say or do that show who I am and how I work. He picks up on the majority of it. It's scary. Here he knows so much about me and I'm opening myself piece by piece to let him in but I feel like I don't know him at all. Not to say he hasn't opened up some as well. He's definitely more cautious than I am though, and I respect that. At least I'm trying to. This part of me tells me it's worth it, that he's worth this risk. Do y'all know how long it's been since I've risked letting someone in? I'll give you a clue. His name is no. Will this guy shatter my soul too? Can I handle that again? I know that I could, but I really don't want to. Which is where the wanting to run part comes into play. Still yet, I find myself believing he's worth it. The last time I went to his place he started playing on different instruments. It was such a joy to watch him go through different songs and play different things. To see his expressions and wonder about the reasons for why each song was chosen or created. At one point he looked at me and asked what was on my mind, but I had no words. The emotions running through me were too much to process in that moment. Then later I thought I had found the words, went to tell him and lost them again. He turns me into a fool without even trying to... And I'm not used to this. I'm not used to not knowing what to say or do or anything. In that moment all I could think was "I want you. All of you. I want to know your strengths and help you with your weaknesses, I want to know what makes you tick, I want to know your dreams and how you plan to get there, maybe even daydream about being part of them one day. I want to be there as you heal from past hurts, and stand beside you as you face any obstacles. I want to hear your laughter in moments of joy, and bask in the light of your smile when you choose to let it show. I want to soak up every part of you and know you better than I know myself. Your pain, your joy, your downfalls and your triumphs. I want to learn it all." Silly what someone playing on keyboard can make you think, huh? But in that moment he had let his guard down some and I got to see behind the mask we all wear everyday. Even if it was just a little bit, it made me want to know more. It also scared the daylights out of me. Learning those things take time. And lots of it. And I already can feel it in my bones that if he were to let me in, truly let me in, I would be helpless to stop him from gaining access to my heart. But still, I want him to. Little by little or all at once I want to know him and be there for him and give him space when he needs it and comfort when he needs it and I want to enjoy the magic of every little moment this life gives with him around. I'm scared that the strength of these feelings will be misunderstood or push him away, so generally I say nothing. I can't keep holding it all in though. From the first time I ever met him I felt drawn to him and now that pull is stronger. There's a song called Take Your Time by Sam Smith. I've thought of sending it to him, and maybe that will help explain some? I just don't wanna come off as some crazy lady head over heels for him, because that's not it at all. My feet are on the ground and my head is on my shoulders. But for the first time ever I've met someone that makes me feel and he sees things a bit differently. He gets it. I want to walk into this with him one step at a time. Eyes wide open to the wonders of the world, hearts beating in fear and anticipation of what is to come. I want to journey with him through whatever, grow together and individually, and just maybe somewhere along the way fall in love. The question is though, does he feel the same with me?