Well then.

I've held off sharing this for quite a while, but now it's rather eating me alive. A little over two months ago they told me I have abnormal cells on my cervix. I'm used to that. What I want used to is the alarm it caused my baby doctor. She scheduled me to have a colposcopy. It's a simple procedure where they place some dye on your cervix and take some up close pictures to determine if the cells are dangerous. So we scheduled the appointment, went in and paid for it, then waited almost two hours. A new doctor I had never seen walked into the room after I was prepared for the procedure and told me they weren't going to do it. He said the rules had changed and they didn't do the procedure on anyone under 24 (I'll be a lovely 23 in a couple of weeks). This raised immediate red flags to me, as my doctor is really the only one I trusted in that office. I asked if they could speak with my doctor about it and they said it wouldn't change anything. Then I asked why they wouldn't do the test. Apparently it is now considered normal for a woman my age to have abnormal cells (according to my medical records the results said "high risk abnormal cells"). He then proceeded to tell me that I had a 33% chance of having cancer so it was okay. So we asked to be reimbursed for our payment and went home. Now, I had already been looking at other doctors because of the inconsistency and chaos of this doctor office. With this new information I kicked it into overtime, got my insurance straightened out and found a doctor I liked. So we go to the new guy, and he does a new test. This leads to today. Regular baby check up (he's doing great!) and the results from my latest test came back. My once abnormal cells are now mildly precancerous. It is too late in my pregnancy to do the colposcopy. Within about two months I went from abnormal to precancer. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Regardless, once I have baby William we are going to do the procedure, along with a biopsy and scan of my other organs. If all returns well we can go in, freeze the precancer cells and scrape them off. From there it's a new test 4-6 weeks later, with all going well it will then be every six months. I went from a 33% chance of cancer to 50/50 in what seems like the blink of an eye. Even in the worst scenario it'll be a hysterectomy and possible short term chemo (and that's only if it's really bad). So I keep telling myself everything will be okay. I keep telling everyone that is alright. But it's not. It's the possibility that I have fucking cancer. I mean, come on people! I'm trying to stay positive for those around me that know what's going on. But this is the bottom line folks: I'm terrified. I am scared senseless. I know I'll be alright, you know I'll be alright. But cancer is cancer, no matter how treatable it is. Everyone is like "you'll be fine" "it'll all work out" "technology is great these days" "it's the most curable kind". True, we don't know if it is actually cancer yet. Is it too much to ask though for some raw honesty? I see the fear in your eyes people! This false positivity is killing me. Just be real so I can be too! My sister has been about the most honest with me. I talked to her earlier when I got the news. I said "Sissy, I'm fucking scared". You know what her response was? She said,  "I am too". In that one brief moment of raw, real emotion, I felt better than I have all day. Thank God it's not just me. Thank God someone else feels this way. I know with her I can let down those walls of "being strong" and hey down to the heart of the matter. She's still got that positivity. She knows I'll be okay, we've braved shit more fear instilling than some stupid cells. But I know, in the middle of the night, I can call her crying and terrified. I won't be alone though. She'll match me treat for tear and then tell me to pull it together when I've let it all out. Is that too much to ask of people? Because that's what I need...

How My Marriage Failed, and Why I Refuse To Fix It.

We're all labeled in this society as different things, based on our own personal decisions. For a while, I hated this. I am: the divorcee, single mother, home wrecker, damager of her children... honestly the list of things goes on and on.

So here's some reality from said divorcee. My marriage failed. We were young, new parents, selfish, conditional, etc, etc, etc. Ya, we loved each other. Still do actually. So why didn't we just change and make up? Was there one simple thing that pushed us over the edge? A series of seemingly in important events? No. Yes. All of the above? We started as friends, became a little more, got pregnant, did everything ass backwards, got married, and very shortly after we separated. Was it doomed from the beginning? Maybe. I personally like to believe that we both had the best of intentions. So let's face the facts here. We were young, selfish, not fully developed, and not at all ready for marriage. We weren't ready for each other. The love and work it takes to make it. We fell apart instead of falling together. So why not fix it knowing we could be together now? So many years later? After we both have matured and developed? Simply this: the demise of our marriage sent us both spiraling into different venues of life, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

The man who once claimed "you didn't love me for me, you loved me for who you thought I could be" is now the man I tried to inspire him to be. I wanted him to follow his dreams, to continue growing into the man he wanted to be. I thought I was being supportive of those things. Guess what? I was going about it all the wrong ways. So then we split up. Now, he is the COO of a growing martial arts school. He has goals and motivation galore. I was a crutch. I made myself his crutch. Without me, he soared.
Then there's me with my ever present journey and different lessons to learn and words of wisdom and love for everyone but the face I see in the mirror. I've become this whirlwind of the woman I WANT to be. The woman he couldn't handle back then. Yes, at times I am selfish. Sometimes just downright dumb with the decisions I've made. But I learn and I LIVE and I go with the ebbs and flows, I strive to continue growing every single day. During my marriage I was so hell bent on being perfect that I was a terror. A terror with a cycle that was not only self destructive but also one of harm to those around me. When we separated I learned to love my imperfections, accept my mistakes, and most of all forgive MYSELF. Would I have reached this point had we stayed together? Would I be the woman I am today? Honestly, I don't think so.

I often reflect and wonder if this does actually "damage" my son. So here's the bottom line folks. My son is smart, loving, kind, helpful, and strong. He knows that both of his parents love him "to the moon and back". His father and I have a healthy friendship that enables us to do our best for him. Ya, he may split weeks and holidays. He may miss a parent when he's with the other. It may make him sad sometimes that Mommy and Daddy aren't together. I, however, refuse to risk how happy/strong/growing we are on a chance that Mommy and Daddy could be happy together. If anything, it teaches him that things can still be okay even if they didn't work out how we wanted them to. This home wrecker and divorcee will NOT sacrifice her own (or her soon-to-be ex-husband's) happiness and growth for the opinions of others. And that, my friends, is why we are going through with this divorce.

About life...

Tired of dying
Hiding things inside
Tired of crying
Wishing I could hide

All the things I couldn't do
The dreams left unfulfilled
I've given all I've got
Will it never be enough for you

Lists go on and on
Running circles in my head
I shed tears every night
Mornings just bring dread

One day is all I ask for
The sun glows against my skin
When the world may seem right
Instead of cold, bitter and dead

This hopelessness fills me
As I type here half asleep
More tears fill behind my eyes
My heart; it silently weeps

Some day the light will shine
Maybe then you'll see
There may not be much left
But I give you all of me

Holy Hell

"You're like this whirlwind tornadoe, except you're not a disaster. Walking contradiction maybe, but not a disaster. You're good and bad and just... everything, all at once. The moment you enter someone's life they're like 'what just happened?' but it's not like this bad revelation. You open people's eyes. Not like you're trying to or anything, you're just real and this... this prescence that inexplicably draws people in and scares them all at once. I mean seriously. The day I met you I was like 'Oh dear Lord who is this person' and not in a creepy I like her kind of way. It's just you. In every way. Even when you're being shy and doing that people watching thing you do so well. Like you're a breath of fresh air backed by a storm of every Grey area people are so afraid to explore. You are that Grey area. Everything about you from the way you look to that ever changing accent down to the very core of you. From the moment you say hello, I could already feel that power behind your words. Calm and chaos and everything all mixed together. It's like 'what is this woman's purpose on earth?!' and in the same breath or maybe even at the same time people know you're different from the moment you walk in the door. You're powerful. Very. And it's crazy and bizarre and beautiful all in one short gasp of air that you suck out of everyone the moment you walk in."

By far one of the most enchanting, awe inspiring and beautiful things I've ever heard about myself. It's hard to accept it, but I suppose it's true. At least the tornado part ;-)

My baby :)

I came home tonight to a bright eyed bushy tailed Anakin. So, in essence of enjoying being Mommy and capturing as many precious "only child" moments as possible, we stayed up late together. We made "Easter baskets" that look like bunnies and danced. Of course, he had to lay down at some point, but it was so worth those extra memories before nights are taken up with baby too. Bed time story was a learning success, he now knows how to rhyme! I can't believe how time has flown! In precisely one week my precious "little Big man" will be a whopping four years old. Can y'all believe that?! I remember those first nights in the hospital with him, zombie mode at four am when he was hungry, every first he's had so far. It truly is crazy how time flies. And now Mommy is having another baby. He is so excited to be big brother. Tonight he told me he is going to help Mommy read baby bed time stories. Being able to share with him the songs I used to sing him brought tears to my eyes as he began to learn them too. I can't express the joy in my heart tonight, yet there is also a lingering sadness to it all. Once baby is born I will no longer be able to call him my "one and only". I know without a doubt that I will have enough love in my heart for both of my children, but there's something quite spectacular about it being just me and my little Big man. A certain magic to it all that never seems to fade.  I just hope I'm enough to continue guiding him through life while doing the same for "our little rubber duckie". I laugh at that because at first he really thought Mommy was going to give birth to a duck, a rubber one at that! Will these memories of my little Big man fade as baby arrives? My biggest fear of all is that my little man won't feel so special with new baby here. I have faith that including him as much as possible will alleviate that some. I want him to feel even more special. Now, not only is he little Big man, he's big brother too!

So...

They've determined that I may have cervical cancer. Can't do the biopsy until I have baby. Easiest scenario is that the  abnormalities will fade after baby is born. Worse case scenario is that I need a hysterectomy. Inside I'm freaking out but on the outside I'm calm about it. My whole life purpose has been to have babies. As many babies as God will grant me. So here I am facing the possibility of this being my last pregnancy. And even with all of the current complications I know that I will revel in this pregnancy. As weird as it sounds; I will enjoy every bout of morning sickness, I will remember every little pain, I will spend every sleepless night breathing in the beauty of this miracle growing within me. It may very well be my last chance to do so. I have always said that I will have as many babies as God will bless me with, and if he only blesses me with two I will embrace that wholeheartedly. Some are never blessed with any at all. Still, I can't help but feel a little scared and sad all in one...

I am weak.

That is all.