About life...

Tired of dying
Hiding things inside
Tired of crying
Wishing I could hide

All the things I couldn't do
The dreams left unfulfilled
I've given all I've got
Will it never be enough for you

Lists go on and on
Running circles in my head
I shed tears every night
Mornings just bring dread

One day is all I ask for
The sun glows against my skin
When the world may seem right
Instead of cold, bitter and dead

This hopelessness fills me
As I type here half asleep
More tears fill behind my eyes
My heart; it silently weeps

Some day the light will shine
Maybe then you'll see
There may not be much left
But I give you all of me

Holy Hell

"You're like this whirlwind tornadoe, except you're not a disaster. Walking contradiction maybe, but not a disaster. You're good and bad and just... everything, all at once. The moment you enter someone's life they're like 'what just happened?' but it's not like this bad revelation. You open people's eyes. Not like you're trying to or anything, you're just real and this... this prescence that inexplicably draws people in and scares them all at once. I mean seriously. The day I met you I was like 'Oh dear Lord who is this person' and not in a creepy I like her kind of way. It's just you. In every way. Even when you're being shy and doing that people watching thing you do so well. Like you're a breath of fresh air backed by a storm of every Grey area people are so afraid to explore. You are that Grey area. Everything about you from the way you look to that ever changing accent down to the very core of you. From the moment you say hello, I could already feel that power behind your words. Calm and chaos and everything all mixed together. It's like 'what is this woman's purpose on earth?!' and in the same breath or maybe even at the same time people know you're different from the moment you walk in the door. You're powerful. Very. And it's crazy and bizarre and beautiful all in one short gasp of air that you suck out of everyone the moment you walk in."

By far one of the most enchanting, awe inspiring and beautiful things I've ever heard about myself. It's hard to accept it, but I suppose it's true. At least the tornado part ;-)

My baby :)

I came home tonight to a bright eyed bushy tailed Anakin. So, in essence of enjoying being Mommy and capturing as many precious "only child" moments as possible, we stayed up late together. We made "Easter baskets" that look like bunnies and danced. Of course, he had to lay down at some point, but it was so worth those extra memories before nights are taken up with baby too. Bed time story was a learning success, he now knows how to rhyme! I can't believe how time has flown! In precisely one week my precious "little Big man" will be a whopping four years old. Can y'all believe that?! I remember those first nights in the hospital with him, zombie mode at four am when he was hungry, every first he's had so far. It truly is crazy how time flies. And now Mommy is having another baby. He is so excited to be big brother. Tonight he told me he is going to help Mommy read baby bed time stories. Being able to share with him the songs I used to sing him brought tears to my eyes as he began to learn them too. I can't express the joy in my heart tonight, yet there is also a lingering sadness to it all. Once baby is born I will no longer be able to call him my "one and only". I know without a doubt that I will have enough love in my heart for both of my children, but there's something quite spectacular about it being just me and my little Big man. A certain magic to it all that never seems to fade.  I just hope I'm enough to continue guiding him through life while doing the same for "our little rubber duckie". I laugh at that because at first he really thought Mommy was going to give birth to a duck, a rubber one at that! Will these memories of my little Big man fade as baby arrives? My biggest fear of all is that my little man won't feel so special with new baby here. I have faith that including him as much as possible will alleviate that some. I want him to feel even more special. Now, not only is he little Big man, he's big brother too!

So...

They've determined that I may have cervical cancer. Can't do the biopsy until I have baby. Easiest scenario is that the  abnormalities will fade after baby is born. Worse case scenario is that I need a hysterectomy. Inside I'm freaking out but on the outside I'm calm about it. My whole life purpose has been to have babies. As many babies as God will grant me. So here I am facing the possibility of this being my last pregnancy. And even with all of the current complications I know that I will revel in this pregnancy. As weird as it sounds; I will enjoy every bout of morning sickness, I will remember every little pain, I will spend every sleepless night breathing in the beauty of this miracle growing within me. It may very well be my last chance to do so. I have always said that I will have as many babies as God will bless me with, and if he only blesses me with two I will embrace that wholeheartedly. Some are never blessed with any at all. Still, I can't help but feel a little scared and sad all in one...

I am weak.

That is all.

Pretty much I'm pregnant, not with the father and my best friend just walked out on me too. And I can't deal. I posted something a while back about laying on the bathroom floor. And that's where I am. Literally. Well technically I'm not on the floor. I'm in the tub. Without the strength to stand up on my own. And I know eventually I'll have to. But for now I'm just laying here, surrounded by a million tiny little glimmering pieces of my shattered soul and praying for a miracle by the grace of God. And no I don't want your sympathy, and no I don't want your help. Please for the love of all humanity don't try to "console" me. Just let me breathe, just let me grieve. Just listen. Just care...
I'm laying here and the melodies are memories, the pain unbearable, and I can physically feel myself break. Like there's nothing to it. Except there is. It's everything and nothing all in one moment. It's anger and fear and the dire need to scream until I shatter from the sound alone. That chance that just maybe if my body breaks apart it will be easier to come back together. That knowledge that all strength is gone. And I feel that part of me, it wants to stand up. It wants to move forward. And the rest of me just stays. Laying here. The music is playing and drowning out the world, covering the tears, shooing away the fears. The words are flowing but I feel like my blood is not. I can't feel it anymore. As if I have no heartbeat, because there is my heart. Shattered on the floor. Glimmering, like drops of dew on a spring morning. And the water is getting cold, but it comforters me. I still have feeling there. I see the water glide across my skin and I feel the way it moves and I find hope there. The bubbles are long gone. I made a mustache with them earlier. And then I laughed until I cried. Seriously. Then I sobbed until all my tears were gone. I'm fairly certain it helped me feel better. Surely there are more tears now, but they won't come. And I still can't feel my heart. My head says move, but then I'm lost in another song. And I'm screaming the lyrics in the bathroom, I can feel the vibration from the beat. My throat is sore from the protection of my voice. Usually I'm a very quiet person. I've done a lot if screaming lately though. If you were here I would probably scream the lyrics to you.

Just a small note.

I hate when people say "he got you pregnant, he should take care of you". New flash y'all, he didn't rape me. We both had a part in that.

Done bitching. Doctors appointment today!