"I'm fine"

There's so many things I wanna say, so much left to do. But at the end of the day it's just me and you. We're supposed to be best friends. There for each other til the end. Yet suddenly all too soon we're drifting apart. I can feel the million pieces of my breaking heart. I'm tired and I'm scared. Wholly unprepared. So won't you lie with me? Remember who we're supposed to be? I've been lied to, abused, shut down and neglected. It's you that I've chosen, you that's been selected. You promised to nurture me, hear my woes and remind me to breathe. Yet here I am drowning and you don't even see...

Argh

I feel like I'm losing my shit. I'm constantly fighting tears, completely exhausted and stressed the fuck out. I feel nothing like myself and I hate being like this. And everyone around me is being so patient and so kind. I feel like I'm failing them all...

Sometimes

There are days my heart bleeds for this world we're living in...

So

I've begun counseling again. I really like my psychologist. She puts me a bit out of my comfort zone, but that's good for growth. And she uses art. I've started working on mandalas. Started drawing one tonight. She was right, you learn a lot about yourself in the process. The one I started is supposed to be a self representation. As I was drawing that's the main thought that was on my mind. And then I just let it flow. Turned out to be a woman. I thought she would be a gypsy but she's not. She's beautiful though. A bit complicated. She gives it all and holds nothing back. You can see the darkness creeping through the lines though. And the way she feels so isolated while giving so much. She's a witch, a mermaid, a queen. All in one. It's hard top explain and now I'm singing. More later!

You know those nightmares you get where you're drowning and everyone else is looking over the boat like nothing is wrong? And you're screaming at them to help you, someone please help...but they don't. Because they can't see you, and the words won't come out because you're slowly drowning while everyone you love is watching you slip away without even realizing it.

This is me. This. Is me.

Hello again Margaret...

Tehehe! Get it? No? Ray Stevens. He's hilarious.

Anywho. It's been a while since I've posted. Time is flying by in the blink of an eye and life has been more than a little crazy. I can't even begin to explain everything that has happened and everything that is going on now in these moments. But life is so full and even in the most hectic of moments when I am begging myself to just make it through one more step; for one more day - I know how is substantially blessed we are to have this. I mean I have a 5 year old son who is crazy smart and often times he is the sweetest boy you could ever imagine. Even in his moments of anger or sadness or grumpy sleepiness he's truly wonderful and a gift. I have a 10 month old son who is so funny and to watch him learn is a miracle in itself. To be able to be a part of that though, and to teach him and care for him through that process is undescribable. It really is; and then on top of that to have someone by my side who not only helps me but is there for me...I can't put it into words. And so we go through every day and life is crazy crazy hectic, I mean there is so much going on, but my heart is so full from everything. I don't know how to explain it. We have taken on a lot to say the least and we have a plan and for once it's not just a plan.  We have goals and we both have ambition and we both have drive and we're pushing forward. Even when we have setbacks, and there been a lot of them, we're still moving forward and we're still growing individually and together and as a family. I usually I get on here to to vent so that I can relieve the stress of the day today and get it out in words. I can't find the words for everything that's happening, for everything that's going on, but I can tell you all that even with so much happening my heart is over bursting with joy and love and hope. I think hope is the biggest. Maybe joy. I'm not sure. This life may be chaotic to say the least but it is ours and it is beautiful and I've never wanted anything more. The peace that I feel in my heart, even with tons of stress and crazines, the peace I feel in my heart, the blessings that we receive every day...our lives are magical.

Grief

I teared up today out of nowhere, then realized I was missing you. Blonde hair and blue eyes, you're too smart for your own good. And it drives me crazy how much attention you want from me, as if I had limitless energy. Your toys strewn about the floor for me to stub my toes on. The nightly fight to get you in bed. It's infuriating, exhausting, and more than I could ever dream. I'd give the world just to have you home with me. You see, grief isn't just about losing a person forever. I grieve every time you two leave. For the time lost, the week gone by too fast, the sound of your chatter when you talk off my ear. I miss watching your brother learn and rocking him to sleep. I grieve as only a mother can each time you walk out that door. And every day I'm praying to get through that time until you both come back home. Until I can hold you in my arms and not just my heart.