Ahh!!!

I'm so exhausted...I just want to feel like myself again. Recently it's like I'm awake for a few hours and then I'm just down-right exhausted. I don't understand. I woke up this morning after seven hours of sleep: got a shower, made breakfast and if I closed my eyes right now I would pass out completely. Top that off with feeling like my son hates me. He refuses to listen, screams at me when I make him listen, and constantly says "I just want to go to my Dad's". I mean; someone please tell me what I have done so wrong to make my child not even like me? Add fighting with my best friend bc nobody ever cleans the house; me spazzing bc I'm so OCD and literally can't deal with a dirty house. I feel like someone completely different. Sarah-land is dark and I don't like it at all. Someone help me!

Actually.

Let me just copy and paste two messages sent to a friend. Y'all remember that man I called love? This is where I am:

You know the first emotion I felt when I saw his name? Joy. And then the fear and anger. I remember seeing him for the first time at the Doba. And then meeting him while hanging out with Wendy. Not a day went by that he didn't cross my mind. And then when I called on my "birthday" celebration and he answered I was in shock. I should have known better from the start Tank...and here I am; knowing. Knowing. I shouldn't have this hope in my heart. I'm with a man that treats me like a princess. I don't want to go back to that. I would always be afraid he'd disappear again. Not like he actually cares. A man that cares doesn't walk away without a second thought for almost a year.
And this is all crazy to me. Because at that point I didn't even know him. I didn't even know him. But I met him that night at the bar hanging out with Wendy. I looked in his eyes and just knew. Right then and there. And look where that got me. Years later and I'm still a wreck over him from a message. I knew who it was but made him tell me. Then I screamed at him for almost an hour and now I'm sitting here exactly where I originally fell apart. I'm ridiculous. And crazy. And I need him out of my heart bc I was never in his...

I'm back.

Honestly I've been back for a while but I haven't had time to post. See, I didn't make the full two weeks in California. I flew back home. The whole trip wasn't a complete disaster, but enough of it was to bring me to the brink of insanity. My Grams was so hateful; the entire time. Nothing I did was good enough, everything I said was wrong. She even at one point told me I'm a horrible person. Told me I'm a bad Mom. Told me I do nothing for her; though the whole trip I'm the one that helped her shower, get dressed, clean up after an accident, wash her hands before dinner, push her wheelchair where ever she wanted to go, the list goes on. It ended with me getting so angry and frustrated I started walking down a desert highway in a sundress and boots. I almost lost it. So I sat down with her and opened up my heart and tried explaining to her how I was feeling and the way she was acting. Instead of seeing that vulnerability and talking to me she shut me out and told me it was all my imagination. So I came home before I lost all the good I've been trying to build in my heart. She refused to let us drive her home so my uncle is actually flying out today to drive her home. I hope the rest of her trip has been pleasant without my "imagination".
So; since I have been home a lot has happened. I don't feel like going into most of it because quite frankly it's none of my business. And the rest I honestly don't feel like going into because I'm not ready to. For now though; I am home. I am regaining strength. I am living each moment to it's fullest and that is all I can do.