If you're reading this, please read from a place of love and understanding in your heart.

Well, just a little earlier I said I wasn't writing in this for a bit, but I decided it's slightly easier than writing everything out by hand.  Especially after three pages front and back of a hand written portion. So here is what has been on my mind:

My home: is a whirlwind of projects that need to be done. A never ending list that only I seem to see, probably because of my inability to leave well enough alone when it comes to organization and cleanliness. I am extremely detail oriented and it shows through my pages upon pages of to-do lists in my head. I stopped writing them out a while back because it was overwhelming for those around me. But I need an outlet. I feel as if I'm driving myself crazy over what seems like silly things to other people. They're important to me though, even if I don't quite understand why. How can I ask others to understand though if I don't? I guess acceptance is the main thing I seek, but that's hard to find when you're the project oriented crazy ocd pregnant lady. I don't even know how to begin asking for that acceptance without understanding first. I need the help of my support group and don't know how to tell them what I need exactly. Mostly because I'm not quite sure what I need. Some days I need space to work through it on my own, other days I desperately cru out inside wishing they would take the initiative to complete something without my having to ask, there are even days I want them to stay out of my way but at least ask me if I need help.

Cancer: the biopsy is getting closer and closer the farther along I get in this pregnancy. It's terrifying to me as I've mentioned before. Those feelings are amplifying and everyone keeps brushing it off as if it isn't a possibility until it becomes a reality. The possibility is very much so real to me though, and the repercussions that would follow in the aftermath if it is cancer. I have no outlet for those emotions either as I feel it would unduly stress others to talk about it at this time.

Custody of baby William: lets face it here, I was extremely unwise and naive in my perception of his father. Now I am constantly worrying about the welfare of this baby emotionally. I am bringing a child into a very unstable environment where his father and I are concerned. We can't seem to reach any agreements and though I am trying my hardest to be civil and fair, I find myself wishing I had lied to him and told him this child wasn't his. Given my own past, I can't do that to my child though. He deserves to know who is father is, no matter how difficult the situation is to deal with. I feel guilt for bringing my baby into such a ridiculous facade of decency. In my own personal opinion his father is childish, not at all ready for this child or the responsibility he will find himself facing soon. You can't sweet talk, lie or manipulate your way out of caring for a child. Though I wouldn't feel any remorse if he chose to give up his parental rights and walk away, I would forever harbor guilt where our son is concerned. He deserves better than the situation he it's being born into and my being naive about his father is a large part of the reason he is being born into such a situation. I can only pray that his father grows quickly and does what is best for our son, regardless of our personal differences. Please allow me to clarify here. I don't think his father is a bad person per say. I think he often had good intentions, but went about things horribly and then his character turned south when things didn't work out his way. That is why I am still fighting (against everyone around me as well) to handle this as fairly as possible. Do I resent him? Yes. But I still believe that he will do his best when it comes to our son IF he can work past his immaturity. I am not saying I'm prefect either, but I am working on my own faults in order to be fair. I triple think every decision to make sure it's what would be best for my kids and not just something I want out of spite or ill feelings towards him. I believe he may be trying to do the same, but I currently see no results from his efforts if there are any.

Country Boy: we've been back together for six months now. I can honestly say I learned a great deal about myself and grew exponentially in our separation, but I've grown and learned even more since deciding to "join ranks" again. I've come to realize my own fears and insecurities and the problems they created that led to me leaving. Not to say he's perfect, but we're definitely good for each other and our relationship is now a healthy one that continues to grow stronger every day.

Life: I am struggling internally. Emotional hurricanes are sweeping through me daily along with the constant babble of the issues mentioned here. Most days I am beyond drained without the words to express the emotional turmoil I'm feeling inside and it seems nobody notices the light slowly fading from my eyes because they have their own concerns to deal with. I feel enough like a burden with all that people are doing to help me, but honestly what I need most is for someone -anyone- to realize that I am NOT okay. I need emotional release and currently have no healthy outlets other than this blog and the words I fill it with. Sometimes, I wonder if even this makes a difference. If one of my crew were to read it, would they understand? Or would they lash out feeling hurt that I don't have the actual words to SPEAK what I so intensely feel. Sometimes a woman just needs an understanding compassionate hug to hold her together while she falls apart. It seems silly to ask for that though, so I'll improvise with writing all those jumbled words here. This also goes hand in hand with the fear that opening up that kind of vulnerability will make those around me think I am weak and need constant emotional care. The reality of the matter is that I generally have my emotional ducks at least swimming together, if not all in a row. Sometimes though, a few choose to wander off and I end up here again ;)

Anywho, I'm going to attempt sleep now. I know that this all seems a bit drab and dark, but please be assured that there is still plenty of light and blessings in my life. This is merely a place I can release the dark. I choose to share the light with those around me rather than burdening them with the dark moments/thoughts/worries/fears. Sweet dreams world.

Google fail.

So, as this biopsy looms closer this cancer shit had been on my mind. And to ease my fears I decided to look up symptoms of cervical cancer. Fail.
Pain during/after sex
Irregular spotting
Constant discharge
Lower back pain

All of these are things I've written off over the past few years. Scar tissue can cause pain during/after sex (except apparently mine healed). Ovarian cysts can cause irregular spotting and discharge (though it should only happen when cysts are irritated). Messed up muscle can cause back pain (though the dull constant ache is apparently abnormal). Way to freak yourself out Sarah...

Well then.

I've held off sharing this for quite a while, but now it's rather eating me alive. A little over two months ago they told me I have abnormal cells on my cervix. I'm used to that. What I want used to is the alarm it caused my baby doctor. She scheduled me to have a colposcopy. It's a simple procedure where they place some dye on your cervix and take some up close pictures to determine if the cells are dangerous. So we scheduled the appointment, went in and paid for it, then waited almost two hours. A new doctor I had never seen walked into the room after I was prepared for the procedure and told me they weren't going to do it. He said the rules had changed and they didn't do the procedure on anyone under 24 (I'll be a lovely 23 in a couple of weeks). This raised immediate red flags to me, as my doctor is really the only one I trusted in that office. I asked if they could speak with my doctor about it and they said it wouldn't change anything. Then I asked why they wouldn't do the test. Apparently it is now considered normal for a woman my age to have abnormal cells (according to my medical records the results said "high risk abnormal cells"). He then proceeded to tell me that I had a 33% chance of having cancer so it was okay. So we asked to be reimbursed for our payment and went home. Now, I had already been looking at other doctors because of the inconsistency and chaos of this doctor office. With this new information I kicked it into overtime, got my insurance straightened out and found a doctor I liked. So we go to the new guy, and he does a new test. This leads to today. Regular baby check up (he's doing great!) and the results from my latest test came back. My once abnormal cells are now mildly precancerous. It is too late in my pregnancy to do the colposcopy. Within about two months I went from abnormal to precancer. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Regardless, once I have baby William we are going to do the procedure, along with a biopsy and scan of my other organs. If all returns well we can go in, freeze the precancer cells and scrape them off. From there it's a new test 4-6 weeks later, with all going well it will then be every six months. I went from a 33% chance of cancer to 50/50 in what seems like the blink of an eye. Even in the worst scenario it'll be a hysterectomy and possible short term chemo (and that's only if it's really bad). So I keep telling myself everything will be okay. I keep telling everyone that is alright. But it's not. It's the possibility that I have fucking cancer. I mean, come on people! I'm trying to stay positive for those around me that know what's going on. But this is the bottom line folks: I'm terrified. I am scared senseless. I know I'll be alright, you know I'll be alright. But cancer is cancer, no matter how treatable it is. Everyone is like "you'll be fine" "it'll all work out" "technology is great these days" "it's the most curable kind". True, we don't know if it is actually cancer yet. Is it too much to ask though for some raw honesty? I see the fear in your eyes people! This false positivity is killing me. Just be real so I can be too! My sister has been about the most honest with me. I talked to her earlier when I got the news. I said "Sissy, I'm fucking scared". You know what her response was? She said,  "I am too". In that one brief moment of raw, real emotion, I felt better than I have all day. Thank God it's not just me. Thank God someone else feels this way. I know with her I can let down those walls of "being strong" and hey down to the heart of the matter. She's still got that positivity. She knows I'll be okay, we've braved shit more fear instilling than some stupid cells. But I know, in the middle of the night, I can call her crying and terrified. I won't be alone though. She'll match me treat for tear and then tell me to pull it together when I've let it all out. Is that too much to ask of people? Because that's what I need...

How My Marriage Failed, and Why I Refuse To Fix It.

We're all labeled in this society as different things, based on our own personal decisions. For a while, I hated this. I am: the divorcee, single mother, home wrecker, damager of her children... honestly the list of things goes on and on.

So here's some reality from said divorcee. My marriage failed. We were young, new parents, selfish, conditional, etc, etc, etc. Ya, we loved each other. Still do actually. So why didn't we just change and make up? Was there one simple thing that pushed us over the edge? A series of seemingly in important events? No. Yes. All of the above? We started as friends, became a little more, got pregnant, did everything ass backwards, got married, and very shortly after we separated. Was it doomed from the beginning? Maybe. I personally like to believe that we both had the best of intentions. So let's face the facts here. We were young, selfish, not fully developed, and not at all ready for marriage. We weren't ready for each other. The love and work it takes to make it. We fell apart instead of falling together. So why not fix it knowing we could be together now? So many years later? After we both have matured and developed? Simply this: the demise of our marriage sent us both spiraling into different venues of life, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

The man who once claimed "you didn't love me for me, you loved me for who you thought I could be" is now the man I tried to inspire him to be. I wanted him to follow his dreams, to continue growing into the man he wanted to be. I thought I was being supportive of those things. Guess what? I was going about it all the wrong ways. So then we split up. Now, he is the COO of a growing martial arts school. He has goals and motivation galore. I was a crutch. I made myself his crutch. Without me, he soared.
Then there's me with my ever present journey and different lessons to learn and words of wisdom and love for everyone but the face I see in the mirror. I've become this whirlwind of the woman I WANT to be. The woman he couldn't handle back then. Yes, at times I am selfish. Sometimes just downright dumb with the decisions I've made. But I learn and I LIVE and I go with the ebbs and flows, I strive to continue growing every single day. During my marriage I was so hell bent on being perfect that I was a terror. A terror with a cycle that was not only self destructive but also one of harm to those around me. When we separated I learned to love my imperfections, accept my mistakes, and most of all forgive MYSELF. Would I have reached this point had we stayed together? Would I be the woman I am today? Honestly, I don't think so.

I often reflect and wonder if this does actually "damage" my son. So here's the bottom line folks. My son is smart, loving, kind, helpful, and strong. He knows that both of his parents love him "to the moon and back". His father and I have a healthy friendship that enables us to do our best for him. Ya, he may split weeks and holidays. He may miss a parent when he's with the other. It may make him sad sometimes that Mommy and Daddy aren't together. I, however, refuse to risk how happy/strong/growing we are on a chance that Mommy and Daddy could be happy together. If anything, it teaches him that things can still be okay even if they didn't work out how we wanted them to. This home wrecker and divorcee will NOT sacrifice her own (or her soon-to-be ex-husband's) happiness and growth for the opinions of others. And that, my friends, is why we are going through with this divorce.

About life...

Tired of dying
Hiding things inside
Tired of crying
Wishing I could hide

All the things I couldn't do
The dreams left unfulfilled
I've given all I've got
Will it never be enough for you

Lists go on and on
Running circles in my head
I shed tears every night
Mornings just bring dread

One day is all I ask for
The sun glows against my skin
When the world may seem right
Instead of cold, bitter and dead

This hopelessness fills me
As I type here half asleep
More tears fill behind my eyes
My heart; it silently weeps

Some day the light will shine
Maybe then you'll see
There may not be much left
But I give you all of me

Holy Hell

"You're like this whirlwind tornadoe, except you're not a disaster. Walking contradiction maybe, but not a disaster. You're good and bad and just... everything, all at once. The moment you enter someone's life they're like 'what just happened?' but it's not like this bad revelation. You open people's eyes. Not like you're trying to or anything, you're just real and this... this prescence that inexplicably draws people in and scares them all at once. I mean seriously. The day I met you I was like 'Oh dear Lord who is this person' and not in a creepy I like her kind of way. It's just you. In every way. Even when you're being shy and doing that people watching thing you do so well. Like you're a breath of fresh air backed by a storm of every Grey area people are so afraid to explore. You are that Grey area. Everything about you from the way you look to that ever changing accent down to the very core of you. From the moment you say hello, I could already feel that power behind your words. Calm and chaos and everything all mixed together. It's like 'what is this woman's purpose on earth?!' and in the same breath or maybe even at the same time people know you're different from the moment you walk in the door. You're powerful. Very. And it's crazy and bizarre and beautiful all in one short gasp of air that you suck out of everyone the moment you walk in."

By far one of the most enchanting, awe inspiring and beautiful things I've ever heard about myself. It's hard to accept it, but I suppose it's true. At least the tornado part ;-)

My baby :)

I came home tonight to a bright eyed bushy tailed Anakin. So, in essence of enjoying being Mommy and capturing as many precious "only child" moments as possible, we stayed up late together. We made "Easter baskets" that look like bunnies and danced. Of course, he had to lay down at some point, but it was so worth those extra memories before nights are taken up with baby too. Bed time story was a learning success, he now knows how to rhyme! I can't believe how time has flown! In precisely one week my precious "little Big man" will be a whopping four years old. Can y'all believe that?! I remember those first nights in the hospital with him, zombie mode at four am when he was hungry, every first he's had so far. It truly is crazy how time flies. And now Mommy is having another baby. He is so excited to be big brother. Tonight he told me he is going to help Mommy read baby bed time stories. Being able to share with him the songs I used to sing him brought tears to my eyes as he began to learn them too. I can't express the joy in my heart tonight, yet there is also a lingering sadness to it all. Once baby is born I will no longer be able to call him my "one and only". I know without a doubt that I will have enough love in my heart for both of my children, but there's something quite spectacular about it being just me and my little Big man. A certain magic to it all that never seems to fade.  I just hope I'm enough to continue guiding him through life while doing the same for "our little rubber duckie". I laugh at that because at first he really thought Mommy was going to give birth to a duck, a rubber one at that! Will these memories of my little Big man fade as baby arrives? My biggest fear of all is that my little man won't feel so special with new baby here. I have faith that including him as much as possible will alleviate that some. I want him to feel even more special. Now, not only is he little Big man, he's big brother too!