Pretty much I'm pregnant, not with the father and my best friend just walked out on me too. And I can't deal. I posted something a while back about laying on the bathroom floor. And that's where I am. Literally. Well technically I'm not on the floor. I'm in the tub. Without the strength to stand up on my own. And I know eventually I'll have to. But for now I'm just laying here, surrounded by a million tiny little glimmering pieces of my shattered soul and praying for a miracle by the grace of God. And no I don't want your sympathy, and no I don't want your help. Please for the love of all humanity don't try to "console" me. Just let me breathe, just let me grieve. Just listen. Just care...
I'm laying here and the melodies are memories, the pain unbearable, and I can physically feel myself break. Like there's nothing to it. Except there is. It's everything and nothing all in one moment. It's anger and fear and the dire need to scream until I shatter from the sound alone. That chance that just maybe if my body breaks apart it will be easier to come back together. That knowledge that all strength is gone. And I feel that part of me, it wants to stand up. It wants to move forward. And the rest of me just stays. Laying here. The music is playing and drowning out the world, covering the tears, shooing away the fears. The words are flowing but I feel like my blood is not. I can't feel it anymore. As if I have no heartbeat, because there is my heart. Shattered on the floor. Glimmering, like drops of dew on a spring morning. And the water is getting cold, but it comforters me. I still have feeling there. I see the water glide across my skin and I feel the way it moves and I find hope there. The bubbles are long gone. I made a mustache with them earlier. And then I laughed until I cried. Seriously. Then I sobbed until all my tears were gone. I'm fairly certain it helped me feel better. Surely there are more tears now, but they won't come. And I still can't feel my heart. My head says move, but then I'm lost in another song. And I'm screaming the lyrics in the bathroom, I can feel the vibration from the beat. My throat is sore from the protection of my voice. Usually I'm a very quiet person. I've done a lot if screaming lately though. If you were here I would probably scream the lyrics to you.

Just a small note.

I hate when people say "he got you pregnant, he should take care of you". New flash y'all, he didn't rape me. We both had a part in that.

Done bitching. Doctors appointment today!

Well then.

Guess what? I'm pregnant! I found out on New Years of all times. About seven weeks along now. I'm seriously hoping for a little girl but have a feeling it well be a boy. Regardless, I am extremely excited!

Love

Here's the funny thing about love y'all. It's unconditional. Never ending. It doesn't just go away or disappear. No, love isn't like that. Once it's given, returned or not, it can't be taken back. And sometimes that's confusing as Hell. See, even if someone has hurt you really bad, if you truly loved them you always will. I guess this is where Bob Marley comes into play. "You just have to find the one with suffering for."

Sneezes and Sniffles!

I spent three hours on my Moms roof hanging Christmas lights and now I'm sneezing like crazy! Well worth the smile on her face though!

There is no Arizona...

He came back y'all. To tell me he was sorry. And I screamed at him for hours. Then suddenly we're talking again and it's all so confusing. I have an amazing man by my side, but there I sat, tears running down my face and willing to give it all up for him. Will this ever end? I will love him forever. And that night...that night he said those words I've so longed to hear...but then he was gone again. I'm pretty sure this time it's forever. Part of me says to move on, but I can't without closure. He was my soulmate. He is the man I well love forever. Yet he refuses to be by my side. Why you ask? Fear. But I guess his fear was greater than mine. I've faced mine once and I survived. I guess now it's time to survive again. Have you all ever listened to the song "Jar of Hearts"? That's where I was. And now I'm reduced to this again...

So...

I cleaned. My entire house. For six hours. I guess I was hoping for relief, and I somewhat received that...for those of you that don't know, I have a minor case of OCD. At least that's what I've been diagnosed with. I just think I'm particular. Which isn't really all that bad. So what if I have different sets of acceptable numbers for different things? It's not terrible to have to make lists of everything, right? At least then my thoughts are on paper and not in my head. And it's just organized to have list formats for all the different list... Is it so bad that I want a sparkly house? It doesn't stay that way, but on nights like tonight I can't deal with the creepy crawly feeling on the inside because everything is not in its place. Yes, it's kind of a pain to have to have everything in a precise (down to the inch) location, but at least I always know where everything is. And now after hours of scrubbing and organizing and wiping everything down I feel a sense of relief. A contentment with the world. Each thing in this house feels like it's connected to a part of my mind, and if the house is it of order I can't be expected to properly function. Then how do I sorry out the thoughts in my head? That's honestly why I haven't posted in a while. It's been too much. Too many happenings, too many conversations. Thoughts just everywhere. In circles, around three bend, over yonder and lost in the woods. But now. Now my house is clean and I think we should begin.

Who are you, when you're walking through the door?
Who are you, when you face this world alone?
Who are you when the tears start to flow?

Feel like you can't take anymore...
Let the darkness fill you in...
Showing emotions you can't hide...

The weight of the world is on your shoulders
Sights and sounds go all around
Thoughts are overflowing from your eyes

(Don't hide from me, can't you see
I know who you really are
Through the years, face your fears
I believe in you
All those times, all those rhymes
We made precious memories
Music flew and our love grew
I belong to you
Baby, I'll be there...)

What happens when the world stops turnin?
What happens when you can't stop yearning?
What happens when you're far from what you need?

Held hand for reassurance...
Search for a miracle occurring...
Have faith and hold on to me...

Feel your own heart there barely burnin
You never know what could come true
Every journey has it's ups and downs

()

When will you see how much you mean to me?
When will you resolve this controversy?
When will you see you're killing me?

Every day these feelings grow...
I'm caught up in love and misery...
Please don't be the death of me...

How you can't see, I'll never know
This feels like a game, a battlefield
I'm losing this battle, so plain to see

(x2)
Baby just let me be there for you...