Yea...

Some days I wonder how much longer I can do this. It's exhausting. I am mother to two amazing little boys, but I feel like mom to everyone else as well. I'm working, cooking, cleaning, mothering, helping, driving, trying to maintain a healthy ldr, dealing with own personal business, trying to make ends meet, trying to lift others up, etc etc. I barely have the energy to even play with my kids anymore. I wake up at 3:30, go get my sister, bring her home, nap, get ready for work, go in for ten hours, come home and on the off chance someone else cooks dinner I'm cleaning up after others and taking care of babies, eating cold dinner because the baby eats first, helping clean up the kitchen, baths and bedtime stories and don't forget the baby needs a bottle... By the time my head hits the pillow I'm so exhausted I can barely move. But let's add in trying to maintain communication with my boyfriend because he's amazing and then dealing with everyone else's struggles. Worry about bills, no it'll work out. Don't cry. Pray. Worry about laundry, we'll find somewhere to do it because I can't afford a laundry mat. Pray. Dishes are dirty, do it tomorrow, can't there's ants. There's something sticky in my hair. Baby puke? Food? Pray. No time to shower, the babies are crying again. Don't cry. Sleep? Brain says no, I've gotta figure things out. Pray. Oh wait, which baby is that? Sleep? Sure, tell me your struggles of the day. Pause a tornado hit the inside of the house again. Sleep? Go get sister. Sleep? Time to get ready for work. Pray. The car scrapes, gotta figure out how to get gravel. Don't cry. Does trash go out today? What day is it? Is there mail? Sort it later. Shit another missed appointment. I need to see both doctors. Pray. Time. Thursday? Overtime this week, maybe next week. Anakin needs a dentist appointment too. When is Williams next check up? Is that pee in the floor? Dog. Where is the dog? Forget it, just clean it up. Have these floors been swept? The babies are about to be crawling. Pray. Music. Music helps. Just kidding, tell me about your struggles. Don't cry. Wait. What was I doing? Can I just run? Let me be in your arms. Silence the world. Shit I've gotta get ready for work. Babies crying. Bottle? Diaper then bottle. Shoes? Wow these floors are gross. Is there a day off soon? Clean! Sleep? Boyfriend please. Breathe. Don't cry. What day is it again? Bills. Fuck it just go to work and pray for the best. Can I make it through this day? Have to. Boyfriend, smile. Babies. Is there enough food? Store after work. Pray. Dinner? For the love of God someone please cook tonight. And clean. Work? Babies. Clothes. Laundry. Washer/dryer? Gravel for driveway. What in the Hell is in the yard? Forget it. Pray. Deal with it later. Don't cry. Breathe. Just breathe. One step at a time. Time for work. Shit what happened to that nap again? Breathe. Pray. Just make it through today, tomorrow will be easier. No it won't. Believe it anyways to get through. This is all for a purpose. Pray. Bardstown. Home. Out of here. Don't cry, it's happening. One day at a time. Pray pray pray. Just gotta keep moving and save. Bills? Shit. Work.

This is only part of my day and only half the thoughts/events in that part. It will get easier though. Faith and somewhere along the way sleep hopefully.