In awe.

Have you ever had a best friend turned boyfriend? I have. It's so weird, in a good way. I thought I knew him so well. Yet I learn more every day. I am blessed enough to see a side of him that he doesn't show many people. He's my happy man. Carefree, stress free, happy. And putting on a mask for the rest of the world. He has allowed me the privilege of seeing him hurt and vulnerable. And it has made me love him that much more. I know, especially after tonight, that I can lean on him for support. He is finally allowing me to be there the same way for him. In general he makes me want to be a better woman. I feel like I don't deserve such an incredible man. I've hurt so many people in my past. I never want to hurt him; and I am terrified of karma. I want to put the biggest smile on his face. Every. Single. Day. I'm not madly in love, I'm still thinking clearly and I have my head on straight. I just, for once, have someone that makes me believe I am wonderful. He supports me in anything I do, holds me when I am weak, and laughs with me when I am strong. What more could a woman ask for? I want to grow with him, laugh with him, dance with him, match him tear for tear, protect him when the world is cruel, inspire him to follow his dreams, and be the best woman I can be for him. A lot of people don't understand our relationship, but they don't see us behind closed doors. Out in the world we're just two people having fun. Behind closed doors we live in our own little world where the pain hurts less and the laughter cures more. I feel this love grow inch by inch, every day just a little more. I'm praying it never stops growing.

Well then...

Let's get straight to the heart of things. I have been on an emotional roller coaster recently. Ups and downs and all arounds. I've been fighting a down phase and it definitely hit its lowest point today. Spent hours cleaning my grandma part of the house, sinus headache, back hurting, only full day I had with Anakin, just a bad mood in general. The first words I heard from my son this mornin were "I want to go to my Dad's". You have no idea how bad that tears me apart. See, Saturday was my birthday. All day I waited for Anakin to call or something. He never did. His Dad forgot it was my birthday...so I cried of course. Now some would say "why didn't you just call him". I try not to invade his time with his Dad. Yet when he's with me I try to keep his Dad updated. If he does something I'm really proud of I'll tell him. If we get a super cute picture of him I send it. If he's being a heathen I let him know. If he misses his Dad we call. Now we don't blow up his phone the whole time he's with me; just little updates here and there to keep Dad informed and incorporated into his daily life. But when he's at Dad's? It's like I don't even exist...not a single call (even on my birthday), no little updates, nothing. And it hurts. So when my birthday came and went with no call, my Mom ended up saying something to him. Of course at that time Anakin was already half asleep and wanted nothing to do with telling Mommy hello. I broke down in tears at that point, trying to explain to his Dad exactly why I was upset. Of course he didn't get it, but it felt good to finally let it out. Next was my day with Bread. I've received my new schedule (for after training) and will no longer be off on our Sundays. So I've planned to enjoy them as much as possible while we still have them. Then I slept all day. Neither of us were feeling well...then we watched Burn Notice (LOVE that show) until I left to pick up my little big man. Today he was going to come see us and ended up being busy all day. I had already had such a shitty day and it was like the icing on the cake. But; he actually made me talk it out and I felt loads better afterwards. A hot bath, some food and a little medicine later I feel a hundred times better. Me and Mom have stopped arguing, me and Bread still really like each other and Anakin is asleep before midnight. Tomorrow begins my second week of work and I'm excited to see what it brings. For now I'm going to get some sleep though. Sweet dreams (and sweeter days)!!!

Oh, hi!

Crazy busy over here! We have out of town company tonight, a quilt to finish, and dinner to make. I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I should be on later to give a full update! Feeling much better emotionally and fighting this dang down phase. The positive flowing through is sooo worth it!

Frustration.

First, I love my new job.
Second, I almost...no, I do feel guilty for taking it. The schedule I have leaves me barely any time with Anakin and also means I am not here to take care of Grams (while in training). It makes me mad. I'm 22 (as of tomorrow). Why do I have these kinds of responsibilities? I have put my whole life on hold to stay here and help take care of her. I make a step in a good direction for me and my son then feel guilty about it. I knew that taking on a full time (non-server) job would effect my time with Anakin. But I already have so little time with him I didn't realize how much it would hurt me. I chose 2nd shift instead of first so I can be here with Grams more when I get out of training. But I already know that it means probably no time with my beloved Bread and less time with my son. I hate this. I feel guilty for feeling this way. But if I wasn't...I can't think of the right word. If this responsibility of taking care of my Grams wasn't on my shoulders, I would have more flexibility with my time. I could choose whatever off days and plan my time with Anakin and Bread around those off days. Instead I have to choose my schedule based on when I'm needed here. It's frustrating. How long will my life be on hold because of family obligations? Now don't get me wrong. I love my Grams and am very blessed to have this time with her. I just feel trapped some days. Like leaving would be abandoning her and Ma (which I couldn't do). Yet staying is killing me. Some days (like today) I just don't know what to do anymore...

First day.

So it's my first day at the new job. I hate that I'm so timid around new people (as I'm "hiding" in my blog on lunch). For those of you that have met me personally you know how shy I am when first meeting new people. So meeting a whole class at once? Terrifying to me. Once I get to know people it's much easier for me to "let out" my generally bubbly personality. It's just hard for me to break that ice in the first place. I know that my comfort zone is my own worst enemy. This is my mantra for the day. I MUST get out of my comfort zone!!!

The picture says it all today :-)

Oh you know; it's just life.

What a whirlwind of a weekend!!! I spent Friday with my dearest "Bread". We slept in (of course) and then spent the day together doing all sorts of stuff. Stopped by a few stores (he apparently found this super rare movie and was super excited). Afterwards we went to his best friends house (who I had not met) and let me tell you; it was WONDERFUL! They have a little girl that is absolutely adorable and three puppies that are totally cute! We feasted on great food that I'm gonna take a moment to explain. There was fresh from the stalk broccoli with a homemade cheese sauce; savory pork chops lightly battered with flour, pepper and salt then fried in butter; potatoes that were roasted with seasoned salt/pepper/garlic; and corn on the cob (slathered in butter of course). Absolutely delicious. Afterwards we watched the movie mentioned before and had adult conversation. As a single mother that is quite unique you have no idea how uplifting and inspiring it is to meet women you can relate to. She's not a single Mom, and her husband is quite nice, but her as a person made the entire night that much more of a great time! I have very few female friends in my life and I'm very grateful for any real/genuine women I meet. It's always a joy to connect, share stories and learn new things! After dinner we had some delicious ice cream cones. I ended up sharing mine with their little girl. She really didn't even have to ask; she just looked at me all adorable like. I'm such a pushover when it comes to children other than my own. :-)
The following day I went with Sissy to our family's Fourth of July celebration. The whole way there my Zellie was texting me asking what I was doing. He lead me to believe he was at home with his girlyfriend since she's nine months preggers. Oh no. He was the first person I saw when we arrived. Needless to say; I punched him before hugging him and crying. It had been far far too long since seeing my favorite cousin. Me and Sissy mingled for a bit then kind of felt awkward. See; at any family event you see these little cliques. These kids belong to those and these siblings are really close and etc etc. Well, mine and Sissy's clique wasn't there. It was just the two of us (and Dad after the cornhole tournament). So it was kind of awkward for the two of us. Now; I'm not saying the family shunned us or anything. Everyone was delighted we had made it out. It just so happens as the day passes that the little cliques drift into their own little worlds (not hatefully by any means) and those that don't have a mass group of their immediately family get left feeling a little outsiderish. All in all though, it was a great time. We missed the fireworks because I had to come home and make sure Grams had everything she needed for bed.
Then; I went to see Bread again. :) it's crazy how much you realize you've missed someone when you go a while without seeing them. Our first day together after everything happened was a little awkward. We had to talk a bit and reconnect. Then, our second time together was much better. We stayed up way later than we should have but we were having so much fun we didn't realize how late it was. It's odd how fast time flies when you truly enjoy someone's company. This afternoon I met my sister for a bit and might I say; her daughter is too cute for words. I'm her See-rah. I absolutely adore her which is how she got me to climb through a McDonald's Playplace. Up the little step things, through the tunnels and down the slide. It's a wonder I didn't keel over from exhaustion then! So worth it though to see the smile on her face. See; I haven't been around much since she was born. A lot my fault; a little my sisters. We actually had a huge argument about it a few weeks ago. I think things are looking up though. And now that I'm starting a job in Bardstown (Tuesday!!!) I'll be able to see them more. It brings a lot of joy to my life because my Sissy was a very big role in keeping me sane throughout my childhood. We have always been close and she is one of my role models. Words can't express how important her family (my family) is to me and I'm glad to have them in my life again. With both of us making an effort we are starting to reconnect.
Anywho, after that I went back to Bread's and we made dinner. Now; this is a pretty big deal. He's never really cooked before and I love cooking. I actually usually don't let people in "my kitchen" when I'm cooking. But we worked really well together. He grilled our steak (dry rub: random spices) to a perfect medium. Warm pink middle, marbled steaks so they were tender and juicy and full of flavor. We opted out of vegetables for the evening :) The potatoes were mashed (LOTS OF BUTTAHHHH) with a hint of garlic. The mac-n-cheese was made with penne noodles and a blend of monteray jack/cheddar. We both thoroughly enjoyed it and it was our first meal made together. Cute enough to make others sick :)
After dinner I headed to pick up the most amazing, wonderful, adorable, smart and funny kid in the world! I was very excited to see my Anakin after such a long, though good, weekend. We stopped in to see a friend for her birthday. It was rather awkward because Country Boy was there. I debated for quite a while on whether I should go or not, for his sake. In the end I went (after several calls) and it wasn't all that bad, though there was that underlying awkwardness. All in all it wasn't a bad experience; I just hope he's doing alright.
We left there and stopped in to drop of some clothes to a friend of mine. Her grandson is a size below Anakin so I give them the clothes he doesn't fit anymore. I get a lot of clothes handed down to me for Anakin and I'm very grateful I can pass them along to others as well. It's gratifying to be able to help; and being a single Mom I know how much it's appreciated. Kid clothes are expensive! It was already pretty late at that point but we stayed a while anyways. It was good to catch up with her and to see the guys. It's crazy how much they've grown! I remember being their age and them harassing us all the time. Now they're all grown and I must say I'm very proud of them all. My brotha-from-anotha-motha was leaving for work as I got there. He's a little older than I am and actually works with my best friend now, hardy har har. We'll call him Bfam.
Sidenote: funny story here. Remember me telling you all I went to Juvi? Well, my FIRST court date, I'm walking through and there Bfam is! He had apparently gotten arrested for beating up a guy that hit is gf (who was preggers). So, we say hi. Well, they call my last name and I go out into the court room. But guess who's out there? His Mom!!! So here I am flipping out "OMG OMG OMG she's gonna kill me". Well it turns out, they called Bfam and just thought it was me since we had the same last name and first initial!!! It was too much! (I laugh now, I almost peed myself then)
Well now; where were we? Oh yes! So I stopped by to drop off clothes to them and catch up while my Anakin made a new friend. Then it got wayyy late so now here I am at home! Walked in and one of my delightful little nephews is here (already asleep of course). Now my little big man is asleep and I'm excited to spend time with both of them tomorrow! Sweet dreams world! P.S. If you want to see pictures of the gorgeous trip to Rineyville, or my life in general, my "picture story" is on Instagram: Srstri91.