There is no Arizona...

He came back y'all. To tell me he was sorry. And I screamed at him for hours. Then suddenly we're talking again and it's all so confusing. I have an amazing man by my side, but there I sat, tears running down my face and willing to give it all up for him. Will this ever end? I will love him forever. And that night...that night he said those words I've so longed to hear...but then he was gone again. I'm pretty sure this time it's forever. Part of me says to move on, but I can't without closure. He was my soulmate. He is the man I well love forever. Yet he refuses to be by my side. Why you ask? Fear. But I guess his fear was greater than mine. I've faced mine once and I survived. I guess now it's time to survive again. Have you all ever listened to the song "Jar of Hearts"? That's where I was. And now I'm reduced to this again...

So...

I cleaned. My entire house. For six hours. I guess I was hoping for relief, and I somewhat received that...for those of you that don't know, I have a minor case of OCD. At least that's what I've been diagnosed with. I just think I'm particular. Which isn't really all that bad. So what if I have different sets of acceptable numbers for different things? It's not terrible to have to make lists of everything, right? At least then my thoughts are on paper and not in my head. And it's just organized to have list formats for all the different list... Is it so bad that I want a sparkly house? It doesn't stay that way, but on nights like tonight I can't deal with the creepy crawly feeling on the inside because everything is not in its place. Yes, it's kind of a pain to have to have everything in a precise (down to the inch) location, but at least I always know where everything is. And now after hours of scrubbing and organizing and wiping everything down I feel a sense of relief. A contentment with the world. Each thing in this house feels like it's connected to a part of my mind, and if the house is it of order I can't be expected to properly function. Then how do I sorry out the thoughts in my head? That's honestly why I haven't posted in a while. It's been too much. Too many happenings, too many conversations. Thoughts just everywhere. In circles, around three bend, over yonder and lost in the woods. But now. Now my house is clean and I think we should begin.

Who are you, when you're walking through the door?
Who are you, when you face this world alone?
Who are you when the tears start to flow?

Feel like you can't take anymore...
Let the darkness fill you in...
Showing emotions you can't hide...

The weight of the world is on your shoulders
Sights and sounds go all around
Thoughts are overflowing from your eyes

(Don't hide from me, can't you see
I know who you really are
Through the years, face your fears
I believe in you
All those times, all those rhymes
We made precious memories
Music flew and our love grew
I belong to you
Baby, I'll be there...)

What happens when the world stops turnin?
What happens when you can't stop yearning?
What happens when you're far from what you need?

Held hand for reassurance...
Search for a miracle occurring...
Have faith and hold on to me...

Feel your own heart there barely burnin
You never know what could come true
Every journey has it's ups and downs

()

When will you see how much you mean to me?
When will you resolve this controversy?
When will you see you're killing me?

Every day these feelings grow...
I'm caught up in love and misery...
Please don't be the death of me...

How you can't see, I'll never know
This feels like a game, a battlefield
I'm losing this battle, so plain to see

(x2)
Baby just let me be there for you...

Ahh!!!

I'm so exhausted...I just want to feel like myself again. Recently it's like I'm awake for a few hours and then I'm just down-right exhausted. I don't understand. I woke up this morning after seven hours of sleep: got a shower, made breakfast and if I closed my eyes right now I would pass out completely. Top that off with feeling like my son hates me. He refuses to listen, screams at me when I make him listen, and constantly says "I just want to go to my Dad's". I mean; someone please tell me what I have done so wrong to make my child not even like me? Add fighting with my best friend bc nobody ever cleans the house; me spazzing bc I'm so OCD and literally can't deal with a dirty house. I feel like someone completely different. Sarah-land is dark and I don't like it at all. Someone help me!

Actually.

Let me just copy and paste two messages sent to a friend. Y'all remember that man I called love? This is where I am:

You know the first emotion I felt when I saw his name? Joy. And then the fear and anger. I remember seeing him for the first time at the Doba. And then meeting him while hanging out with Wendy. Not a day went by that he didn't cross my mind. And then when I called on my "birthday" celebration and he answered I was in shock. I should have known better from the start Tank...and here I am; knowing. Knowing. I shouldn't have this hope in my heart. I'm with a man that treats me like a princess. I don't want to go back to that. I would always be afraid he'd disappear again. Not like he actually cares. A man that cares doesn't walk away without a second thought for almost a year.
And this is all crazy to me. Because at that point I didn't even know him. I didn't even know him. But I met him that night at the bar hanging out with Wendy. I looked in his eyes and just knew. Right then and there. And look where that got me. Years later and I'm still a wreck over him from a message. I knew who it was but made him tell me. Then I screamed at him for almost an hour and now I'm sitting here exactly where I originally fell apart. I'm ridiculous. And crazy. And I need him out of my heart bc I was never in his...

I'm back.

Honestly I've been back for a while but I haven't had time to post. See, I didn't make the full two weeks in California. I flew back home. The whole trip wasn't a complete disaster, but enough of it was to bring me to the brink of insanity. My Grams was so hateful; the entire time. Nothing I did was good enough, everything I said was wrong. She even at one point told me I'm a horrible person. Told me I'm a bad Mom. Told me I do nothing for her; though the whole trip I'm the one that helped her shower, get dressed, clean up after an accident, wash her hands before dinner, push her wheelchair where ever she wanted to go, the list goes on. It ended with me getting so angry and frustrated I started walking down a desert highway in a sundress and boots. I almost lost it. So I sat down with her and opened up my heart and tried explaining to her how I was feeling and the way she was acting. Instead of seeing that vulnerability and talking to me she shut me out and told me it was all my imagination. So I came home before I lost all the good I've been trying to build in my heart. She refused to let us drive her home so my uncle is actually flying out today to drive her home. I hope the rest of her trip has been pleasant without my "imagination".
So; since I have been home a lot has happened. I don't feel like going into most of it because quite frankly it's none of my business. And the rest I honestly don't feel like going into because I'm not ready to. For now though; I am home. I am regaining strength. I am living each moment to it's fullest and that is all I can do.

My dearest friends...

I have been holding out on you all recently. Sooo much is happening; there's so much to tell...so; we'll do this list style ;)

1) I have renewed my vow to start updating more often. I've been breezing through life and not sharing; it's quite selfish and I've been cheating myself out of the opportunity to breathe.

2) in less than 36 hours I will be on my way to California. I will upload as many pictures to Instagram (Srstri91) as possible to share this journey with you all. Most would be excited for this trip; and I am to a degree. I will share that part in a moment though.
I have many many concerns about this trip. First and foremost is my Grandmother. As you all from my previous blog know; her health is not the best. But she wants this trip more than anything. So I'm taking her. It involves a setback financially, two weeks and two days away from home (without my baby boy), a strict timeline for dialysis sake (across the COUNTRY!), long car rides with none other than Country Boy (oh we'll explore that one in a moment), I'm sure there will be "accidents" to clean up, lots of packing (she has a purse-like thing specifically for all of her medicines), family I haven't seen in years or have never met; and our final destination is one of my favorite uncles who is dying of cancer...
Oh yes, this is a trip and a half. I worry about something happening to her while we're on the road: what will we do, where will we go, am I able to handle that kind of trauma, the list of insecurities goes on. I don't know how I will make it so long without my baby boy. He is after all my reason for living. He's my light every day. I have taken several videos over the past few days trying to capture moments to ease that kind of pain. Several friends/relatives have also downloaded an app for video chatting. The strict schedule I'm not so worried about;it's more of what to do during the four hours she's in dialysis and we're halfway/all-the-way across the country. No kitchens to clean or kickball to play there. And Country Boy; invited with no regard to my thoughts/emotions on the matter. This is not healthy for his growth and healing. I pray that he doesn't get negatively impacted by this trip; though I already know I will have to sift through the guilt when he is. He knows it was not my idea for him to go, he knows this trip is not about me or him or what used to be an us. It is about her. It is about some of her last wishes which I REFUSE to deny her. He will still get mixed emotions and nothing I do or say will help ease those...then there is my uncle. I've always been a princess to him; always been a golden girl in his eye. I love him unconditionally and don't know how hard it will be to see him in his current state. I have missed him terribly though and will cherish his company.
Now to the good parts...the scenery is breathtaking. So far we are going to see an old western town, the St Louis Arch, the Grand Canyon, the worlds largest Mcdonalds, the Cadellac Graveyard, and Albequerque in New Mexico (one of my favorite places on the planet). The desert has long been one of my favorite places on earth and we will be spending a lot of time there. I'm ecstatic to see the colors of the sun washing over the red rock and it's rivers of shiny minerals passing through it. The cacti standing so proud, the heat wavering up from the ground in shimmer disillusion. I can't wait to bask in the warmth of the sun while calling out to nature as it echoes through the Grand Canyon. Seeing a legit old western town excites the country girl in me and being back in Boron, California will transport me to childhood where a simple piece of Borax was so magical and amazing. Riding into the sunset over sand dunes to have a desert bonfire as the sand loses warmth is an old past-time and to think I will be so close to the brother and sister I've never met...we will pass through every emotion and type of landscape you could imagine and each one is breathtakingly beautiful in it's own unique way.

3) B. Oh he's magical...a prince charming and ever so naturally. He accepts me as I am and loves me no matter the mood or state I am in. The days that are hard for me he gives extra support; the days that are easier flow with laughter from his silly jokes. Seeing him interact with my baby brings a whole new level to the table. Already he is teaching him respect and manners; mostly by example. Opening doors and helping clean after dinner, showing healthy affection and being a gentleman. We all play kickball and build houses from Lincoln Logs, he knows every word to Spiderman (without complaint). Our first night spent together was a bonfire and then laying in the bed of his truck talking while watching the stars. We danced under those stars and he sung country songs to me. I didn't sing to him that night but a few nights later I was singing when he arrived. I've never felt more empowered in my voice (y'all know a pen and paper is easier for me) than I did when I saw the genuine surprise and joy on his face. The way he holds me says he never wants to let go and the little things he does are so wonderful. He keeps saying "I don't understand; I just do what I've always done". Roses at work, home-made lunch, sweet notes left for me to read. It's more than that though. Real hugs, passionate kisses, truth in his eyes, no secrets. We have both bared it all and through that vulnerability and nakedness we have seen something in the other that is incomparable. It's like our souls have intertwined. I literally ache when he is not near (which is why I have not slept tonight). I had always dreamed of a love like this. People told me for years that it was just silly fantasies my Daddy had put in my head. Then one night he said "you are my princess; and you deserve everything you think is so special in me because I see that and more in you". My Daddy once said I would find my Raja(Bangladesh language for prince) and that I shouldn't stop searching until I knew because I was his Rani(princess). I cried when B said those words to me. And he wiped away every tear while holding me. See; Daddy's birthday is the same day I leave. That brings us to

3) I miss my Daddy. Another year with an un-eaten cake. Another year with memories and occasional angel-fingers filtering through the window. Old songs on the radio reminding my heart that Daddy is there. I know that one day I will see him again and when that day comes every scar will disappear. That is my belief, my Faith, and the power of love from a forgiving God. My Daddy instilled that Faith in me and though it's been tested and sometimes forgotten over the years I have regained that Faith and hold to it fiercely. It's one of the few things I have left from my Daddy. His birthday will be spent driving this year; but I know the piece of him in me will enjoy the scenery.

4) Boo. We have come to terms with the fact that we are no longer best friends. We had a huge blowout because of a difference in life choices. We didn't speak for a couple of months and when we did the other ay it was as if we were walking on eggshells. There have been moments I have deeply missed her; but I think getting everything out in the open will benefit us both in the long run. We now have an opportunity to forge a new relationship instead of trying so desperately to cling to that "best friend" status quo.

With all of this I must try to catch a nap before a busy day. Doctor for Grams, work, then loading the car for our trip. One last night with B before our two week separation (can you say anxiety attack), dialysis while I finish the preparations and then we are California bound. Love you all and sweet dreams! Also; share my blows if you will: they're intended to reach people!

Ohmylanta

Y'all life is crazy! I feel all jittery inside so I'm pausing to post and clear my head. I don't have much time though. B is still a dream come true; there's a family picnic tonight, I have to drive to Bardstown, I work at 12, I need a shower!, we leave for California in less than a week, I need sleep! Oh this wonderful journey through life! Have a blessed day!