Love

Here's the funny thing about love y'all. It's unconditional. Never ending. It doesn't just go away or disappear. No, love isn't like that. Once it's given, returned or not, it can't be taken back. And sometimes that's confusing as Hell. See, even if someone has hurt you really bad, if you truly loved them you always will. I guess this is where Bob Marley comes into play. "You just have to find the one with suffering for."

Sneezes and Sniffles!

I spent three hours on my Moms roof hanging Christmas lights and now I'm sneezing like crazy! Well worth the smile on her face though!

There is no Arizona...

He came back y'all. To tell me he was sorry. And I screamed at him for hours. Then suddenly we're talking again and it's all so confusing. I have an amazing man by my side, but there I sat, tears running down my face and willing to give it all up for him. Will this ever end? I will love him forever. And that night...that night he said those words I've so longed to hear...but then he was gone again. I'm pretty sure this time it's forever. Part of me says to move on, but I can't without closure. He was my soulmate. He is the man I well love forever. Yet he refuses to be by my side. Why you ask? Fear. But I guess his fear was greater than mine. I've faced mine once and I survived. I guess now it's time to survive again. Have you all ever listened to the song "Jar of Hearts"? That's where I was. And now I'm reduced to this again...

So...

I cleaned. My entire house. For six hours. I guess I was hoping for relief, and I somewhat received that...for those of you that don't know, I have a minor case of OCD. At least that's what I've been diagnosed with. I just think I'm particular. Which isn't really all that bad. So what if I have different sets of acceptable numbers for different things? It's not terrible to have to make lists of everything, right? At least then my thoughts are on paper and not in my head. And it's just organized to have list formats for all the different list... Is it so bad that I want a sparkly house? It doesn't stay that way, but on nights like tonight I can't deal with the creepy crawly feeling on the inside because everything is not in its place. Yes, it's kind of a pain to have to have everything in a precise (down to the inch) location, but at least I always know where everything is. And now after hours of scrubbing and organizing and wiping everything down I feel a sense of relief. A contentment with the world. Each thing in this house feels like it's connected to a part of my mind, and if the house is it of order I can't be expected to properly function. Then how do I sorry out the thoughts in my head? That's honestly why I haven't posted in a while. It's been too much. Too many happenings, too many conversations. Thoughts just everywhere. In circles, around three bend, over yonder and lost in the woods. But now. Now my house is clean and I think we should begin.

Who are you, when you're walking through the door?
Who are you, when you face this world alone?
Who are you when the tears start to flow?

Feel like you can't take anymore...
Let the darkness fill you in...
Showing emotions you can't hide...

The weight of the world is on your shoulders
Sights and sounds go all around
Thoughts are overflowing from your eyes

(Don't hide from me, can't you see
I know who you really are
Through the years, face your fears
I believe in you
All those times, all those rhymes
We made precious memories
Music flew and our love grew
I belong to you
Baby, I'll be there...)

What happens when the world stops turnin?
What happens when you can't stop yearning?
What happens when you're far from what you need?

Held hand for reassurance...
Search for a miracle occurring...
Have faith and hold on to me...

Feel your own heart there barely burnin
You never know what could come true
Every journey has it's ups and downs

()

When will you see how much you mean to me?
When will you resolve this controversy?
When will you see you're killing me?

Every day these feelings grow...
I'm caught up in love and misery...
Please don't be the death of me...

How you can't see, I'll never know
This feels like a game, a battlefield
I'm losing this battle, so plain to see

(x2)
Baby just let me be there for you...

Ahh!!!

I'm so exhausted...I just want to feel like myself again. Recently it's like I'm awake for a few hours and then I'm just down-right exhausted. I don't understand. I woke up this morning after seven hours of sleep: got a shower, made breakfast and if I closed my eyes right now I would pass out completely. Top that off with feeling like my son hates me. He refuses to listen, screams at me when I make him listen, and constantly says "I just want to go to my Dad's". I mean; someone please tell me what I have done so wrong to make my child not even like me? Add fighting with my best friend bc nobody ever cleans the house; me spazzing bc I'm so OCD and literally can't deal with a dirty house. I feel like someone completely different. Sarah-land is dark and I don't like it at all. Someone help me!

Actually.

Let me just copy and paste two messages sent to a friend. Y'all remember that man I called love? This is where I am:

You know the first emotion I felt when I saw his name? Joy. And then the fear and anger. I remember seeing him for the first time at the Doba. And then meeting him while hanging out with Wendy. Not a day went by that he didn't cross my mind. And then when I called on my "birthday" celebration and he answered I was in shock. I should have known better from the start Tank...and here I am; knowing. Knowing. I shouldn't have this hope in my heart. I'm with a man that treats me like a princess. I don't want to go back to that. I would always be afraid he'd disappear again. Not like he actually cares. A man that cares doesn't walk away without a second thought for almost a year.
And this is all crazy to me. Because at that point I didn't even know him. I didn't even know him. But I met him that night at the bar hanging out with Wendy. I looked in his eyes and just knew. Right then and there. And look where that got me. Years later and I'm still a wreck over him from a message. I knew who it was but made him tell me. Then I screamed at him for almost an hour and now I'm sitting here exactly where I originally fell apart. I'm ridiculous. And crazy. And I need him out of my heart bc I was never in his...

I'm back.

Honestly I've been back for a while but I haven't had time to post. See, I didn't make the full two weeks in California. I flew back home. The whole trip wasn't a complete disaster, but enough of it was to bring me to the brink of insanity. My Grams was so hateful; the entire time. Nothing I did was good enough, everything I said was wrong. She even at one point told me I'm a horrible person. Told me I'm a bad Mom. Told me I do nothing for her; though the whole trip I'm the one that helped her shower, get dressed, clean up after an accident, wash her hands before dinner, push her wheelchair where ever she wanted to go, the list goes on. It ended with me getting so angry and frustrated I started walking down a desert highway in a sundress and boots. I almost lost it. So I sat down with her and opened up my heart and tried explaining to her how I was feeling and the way she was acting. Instead of seeing that vulnerability and talking to me she shut me out and told me it was all my imagination. So I came home before I lost all the good I've been trying to build in my heart. She refused to let us drive her home so my uncle is actually flying out today to drive her home. I hope the rest of her trip has been pleasant without my "imagination".
So; since I have been home a lot has happened. I don't feel like going into most of it because quite frankly it's none of my business. And the rest I honestly don't feel like going into because I'm not ready to. For now though; I am home. I am regaining strength. I am living each moment to it's fullest and that is all I can do.