"What's on your mind?", she asked...

Everything. I need a job, the boys need stability, I need at least a basic outline of a routine to get things done around here. I need time for me, to breathe and look out into the darkness, a vast abyss, where I find myself best. I don't want to be single, but I'm tired of jumping into things I know won't work. I need a man that's going to understand me completely. And that's hard. But I know he's out there. Yet everytime someone gets close or starts to even attempt to reach the depths of my soul that I keep hidden, I run. I just feel like when he's the right one he'll be able to see through those barriers from the start. He'll be strong enough to hold me together while I fall apart in his arms and allow him to examine all those little parts of me that gather like stardust to make up the very essence of who I am. I'm an empath. I feel way more than most people do. I see things in a different light. And I want someone to experience the world at least similarly to how I do, but I'm terrified of giving someone the ability to get that deep. I want a man to seduce my soul. I want deep conversations about life and random things. I want laughter and joy and jokes because I'm fucking hilarious. I want to be able to share a look that exchanges a thousand words. I want someone to be a family with me and my children. To accept us as we are, yet also to help us constantly grow. I have this vision in my head, these dreams. I just don't think they'll ever be a reality... I'm not necessarily afraid of letting a man love me. It's just that every man I've ever been with doesn't truly get it. They love the idea of me, the side I don't share with the world. But they don't truly understand it, and when you let the wrong people in they fuck shit up regardless of their intentions. I will forever be an essence they're grasping for and can't quite reach. You know that feeling you get? When someone looks in your eyes and sees straight through to your soul? I want that. I crave it, and I feel like it's unattainable because I'm so different. The Sarah most people see daily is only the surface of what's truly there. But all those extra things beneath the "I can do anything" exterior are constantly screaming out to be released, to be shown to the world. The only trouble there is that people don't get it, and then you're separated from those you do truly love because they can't understand. And it's not that they don't want to, they just can't. So simple yet absolutely infuriating in the same breath.

Real talk

Y'all it's been so long. For so long I've been hiding behind walls and barriers, not really feeling or breathing or living. I definitely made some huge life changes recently. I'm not quite sure where to delve in first, but I guess I'll start with myself?

I acquired some new friends. Those deep, soul wrenching, heart to heart friends. Of course I still have most of the friends I had before, but these one or two people made me shine light in myself where I had been casting shadows out of fear. You see, Country Boy and I... we didn't work out. So much control, so much fear, so many nights spent feeling alone with a warm body laying next to me. Eventually I just started sleeping in another room. I couldn't do it anymore. And I tried. Lord heal my hurting heart, I did try. We had a plan, we were putting forth effort. But I just reached this place... I was completely indifferent. It honestly almost sent me into a panic attack. Like that moment of indifference threatened to overwhelm my heart and soul with so many emotions I couldn't even breathe. So I decided it was over. Right then and there. It's like, I started opening all of these doors and exploring my own heart and things went haywire. I started voicing my needs and wants and we just couldn't bear. So now here I am. I hear he's doing well, and for that I'm grateful. Since then things have been so hectic I haven't really had any time for myself. It's constantly go go go when I need to stop stop stop. I can't though. I'm a mom with two beautiful babies and a group of wonderfully loyal and amazing friends. Still, this is why I find myself sitting in a bath tonight. Not only am I sick, but I'm also just plain worn out. I've found it difficult to write recently because I haven't had the time to sit down and delve into that deeper level. I need to start making time though. Seriously. Before this life overwhelms me and stifles the parts of me that are still new and fresh to the world, those parts that almost got destroyed again. I've been living a life of routine and I need to remember to take those moments offered for peace and clarity and a soul deep appreciate for the blessings in my life. I feel like I'm rambling at this point and my concentration was totally just broken... I seriously just need some time to breathe and feel in the most raw of manners. I think I may do that soon. Just take some time to run away for me. Walk through a park or something. Clear the air and release the pent up emotions in me. There aren't many here I can honestly talk to on that raw level.
Anywho, I guess I covered two in one there? The rest will have to wait till later because I'm not ready to share. I hate that I've become this again. I hate that I've spent so long in my relationship hiding things that I now hide them from myself and others again. I had become so free and raw and real. But. This shell of a woman is rising again, one raw moment at a time. Never again will I fall "victim" to the type of control that has a hold on your very thoughts. It wasn't even intentional I don't think. I just know that the intensity and anguish were real and raw and they hurt, but they were hidden. I wasn't too become that real raw beauty again. I need that in myself. I need that feeling in myself. Trust. Reality. Raw. Beauty in happiness and misery. Those raw real moments. Those are what I live for, and I forgot how to release them myself.

Well...

Good news, bad news. Just news? First and foremost: my results came back today and I am cancer free. I still have to get a small procedure done but not having cancer makes that such s small blip on the radar. Baby William is growing so much by the day. My heart melts every time I look at him. He's holding hands and grabbing hair and smiling and trying to talk and cuddling everywhere. Sir Anakin is also doing very well. The treatment plan we have him on seems to be working quite well and he's back to being my amazing little big man. I love him so much it makes my heart ache. He's growing into quite the young man and I couldn't be more proud. Country Boy and I are still together. I'm at odds on really where we stand currently. Things got so bad there for a bit and honestly I was ready to leave. We talked in depth for the first time in ages and it seems to have helped. He's trying really hard and that's what matters most.
As far as relationships in general I'm just still not feeling that connection on a deeper level, but then maybe I'm not meant to right now. Seems every time I've ever had the type of mental/emotional connection I'm currently craving I get broken in the end. I don't mind that though, it helps me to grow more. It's never been unworthy of the prices paid from my heart. I need communication on that deepest of levels. I need to feel my soul undressed and unwound, laying in the comfort of the afternoon sun awhile or wandering through fields of thoughts and dreams. That type of connection is intense, deep, difficult yet so rewarding. I need it. My soul craves it down to my core. Usually when I start feeling this way some life changing event occurs in the near future so I'm a tad bit anxious as well. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I have so many good, loyal friends, but it's all so superficial. Get down to the nitty gritty with me. Grow with me. Open your soul and I'll do the same. I can't keep wasting time, it's all we have. Get real people. Get deep down, to the core, in touch with every fiber of your being real. I mean, it's hard. Reality checks suck, you have to learn to love your light and dark on the deepest of levels, you have to be willing to expose yourself to situations that are often less than ideal. I mean, I don't necessarily like reviewing past hurts and traumas, but I do it to keep in tune with myself and grow. I need those kinds of people in my life. Not the drama, just the kind of deep knowing and understanding that says "I am here, I am beautiful and I am a survivor." That connection from soul to soul, not just heart to heart. I need people that I can look at and know I'm not seeing a mask they're hiding behind. Be brave enough to open your soul to the world. Yes, there is risk of pain but I'm telling you the friendships derived from being that way are such a reward. Please someone... soul journey with me...

Anywho, I guess I'll update more later. I really need to try to take a nap.

Grief

The children are napping, so I took a moment to shed a tear. I'm hiding in that so favorite hiding spot of mine. You guessed it, the bathroom. You were an incredible woman. At 23 I still hid from you to have my cigarettes. Pepaw had lung cancer and almost died that year. Seems so trivial now. I would rather have those hidden moments with you. Your smile was quick and easy. Your laughter contagious. The very essence of you brought out the woman in me. I don't know a soul on this earth that didn't strive to be better just for you. You were just that kind of woman. And now, not even half a day past your departure, I already feel the emptiness in my soul. You had strength in reserves and you were always willing to share. Wisdom for days you said gave you your silver hair. Wit and charm floating around you in the air. I've never known another that believed in miracles like you. Gah. I can't even bring myself to finish this so soon. Bottom line is this: I already miss you and I still feel like you're here. I miss you today, I'll miss you tomorrow, I'll miss you forevermore. The grief has yet to hit me full force, and even I can not grasp the magnitude of feeling so bereft. You were the Nanny of my soul and I pray forever that you knew.

Sometimes, during the silky embrace of the night, I allow myself to think of you. The warmth of your hand running through my hair, the sound of your heart against my ear, the strength of your arms around me. In those moments, I love you still. I breathe the emotions almost easier than I breathe the air. There's a familiarity there, a comfort in the memory. I allow my heart to wander, finding where you are. And though I will never open that door again, the could have beens seep through the wood once more.
Sometimes in the light of the day, I hear your laughter floating through the air. It takes me back to those mornings spent talking and sharing and the merriment there. I hear the dog getting jealous, and sports on the telly. I see the way the sunshine plays against your hair. I remember that morning as you cooked us breakfast, the way the light came through the window. And I sat there picking music as you laughed at my choices, though it was your collection I was choosing from. I again feel your shirt wrapped around me, smell the food on the stove. And there it is. That moment I knew you just had to be the guy I had been searching for. I glanced up for a moment, as the sun lit the room around you and laughter filled the air. The smile on your face was the most genuine thing I ever have seen. The light in your eyes shone straight through me. In that single breathtakingly beautiful moment, I had never wanted you more.
Sometimes I wonder, will our paths ever cross again? In some distant future will your soul remember mine? I pick up the phone to ask you, for these are things we used to share. Remembering the last conversation we ever had, the sadness returns. The moments are gone but I am still here. And though your bare skin never caressed mine, I physically feel the whispers of your words in the wind. It's in these moments I know, I was truly naked around you. It's in these moments I know that the future will never be ours, but part of me will always remain with you. You were a soul mate, though what kind I wasn't aware.
Now I know. You taught me so much about my own heart, about my wants and dreams. I guess somewhere along the way I lost sight of that kind of friendship, or maybe pure friendship was never really there. All I can say in this moment is that I miss you still. I pray that some day in the future your soul recognizes mine and once again we can be friends. I pray that you understand the way you reached me to the core. That deepness and beauty and a connection like never before. No, I won't go back there, not with you. Forever, though, my heart will remember.

Hear beneath the simplicity of words.

I tell you these things, I rip apart my soul and hand you the pieces in little bits of information. I don't think you even realize that. These things I tell you are more than mere information, each thing is tied to a part of my soul. I try so hard to gain your understanding, to show you the vulnerabilities in me nobody else can see. This information comes to you in all of these little things I tell you in those late night conversations. I tell you- not to strike fear in your heart, not to bring stress upon you, not even to merely point out our weaknesses. No, I tell you these things so you know. You see: this journey we're on will never be easy. There will be ups and downs and all arounds. Some days I will be free and breeze through life as though the wind itself carries me. Others I will be so broken I may blow away should just one more breeze caress my skin. And I open my soul to you so you know, so you understand every little piece that makes me a whole person. Every concern, every joy. Every fear, every hope. I tell you these things so you know my heart, where fear threatens to win and the past haunts every thought. Because in our darkest hours, where fear abounds and stress makes a mess, you will know. You will see into the depths of that chaotic storm that is me and know where we stand in reality. You will still see your hold on my heart because you will know, whether I can show you or not. You are my solid ground. I tell you these things so we know where to work. Because to work together on these things is to gain a bond so strong the pull of the moon couldn't rip us apart.  We all know my love for the moon, so think of what this must mean of my love for you to be willing to tell you these things. I do not speak out of anger or hurt. Those emotions would make me hide these things I've been trying to tell you. So when the times are hard and I tell you these things, I tell you to fight the storm trying to tear us apart. The very storm that threatens to rip me apart in the quiet of the night, with or without your love near. I know that it is a plentiful weight I lay on your shoulders, as I tell you these things. Please know though, I tell you so you have a fighting chance. I tell you these things so that in those moments of darkness you have these little reminders, these little pieces of my soul to aid you. I tell you these things to add another piece of armor to our love, gaining strength until we are unbreakable. Know these things, learn these things, study these things, work on these things. For in our weakest moments, as the storm rages and the wind rips through and we feel like we're drowning, these things I tell you will come to light. For these are the things that will make us or break us. I tell you these things because together we can weather the storm, but separate it's vast and all consuming. So listen carefully my love, as I give you these pieces of my soul when I tell you these things.

The brokenness of a little girl...

The cold winds are here
Going straight through my soul
Knowing this year
You'd be 56 years old
It's your voice I want to hear
Full of wisdom and love

I was your Angel. You told me so. Your laughter filled the room. Your voice fills my head. If you were happy you sang. If you were sad you prayed. Things got so tough. Still, you weren't dead. That day plays in my mind. No smile, no laugh, no joy. Now I'm left here all alone. Knowing you'd be 56 years old. You said "I'm going home my dear. There's no need to fear." What you never knew, was you were my angel too.

So... I'm sitting here with a little miracle we call babies. He's eleven days old. How crazy is that? And I'm crying my eyes out because I wish daddy was here. This little bundle of joy carries his name, but my heart carries his love. I am saddened that my boys will never know the man that raised me. Even as he knew he was dying he kept his spirits up and gave all he had to us kids. Never again will I hear his silly songs about boogers in his nose or Jeremiah the bullfrog. Never again will his words of wisdom fall on my ears. He was my rock through the storms, my protector though he was bed ridden. He loved us so unconditionally words could never truly explain. Then he was gone. Just like that, without a word. Ten years later I'm still in tears. He was the greatest man I ever knew. Me and little William Clay have a full day today with a friends goodbye party this evening. But the cake is still on the table, and I can't bring myself to cut it. 56 years old, if only you had made it this far...I will always be Daddy's little girl. Your words of wisdom are my strength, your kind heart my guide, your knowledge my drive to learn, your songs my voice to sing, and mostly your love to get me through. Happy birthday Daddy. I hope they have cake up above.