Odd moments

That song came on today. And I realized what it means to truly be moved on. At one point it would have reduced me to tears. Yet I found myself shocked as your name crossed my mind. I tried to think back to the last time I thought of you, the last time I shed a tear, the last time I went the wrong way down the highway forgetting I wasn't going to you. I can't remember. It's insane, right? Someone that once meant so much to me, that shattered me so completely. Now you mean nothing at all. Just a distant memory. And that's how you know when you've truly moved on. The memories will never stop. They may fade, but they'll always be there.  Especially when you love someone as much as I loved you. But it dawned on me as I listened to that song. You no longer have that effect on me. My heart is free from you. So now I'm sitting here with this weight off my shoulders. You always had a knack for coming back around when I'm happy, for pulling me back in. And I'm sure one day you'll try again. But I'll be ready this time, because I'll never again give up my happiness for you. You're truly a no as we've called you for a couple of years. And that my friends... that's a glorious thing to know.

Yea...

Some days I wonder how much longer I can do this. It's exhausting. I am mother to two amazing little boys, but I feel like mom to everyone else as well. I'm working, cooking, cleaning, mothering, helping, driving, trying to maintain a healthy ldr, dealing with own personal business, trying to make ends meet, trying to lift others up, etc etc. I barely have the energy to even play with my kids anymore. I wake up at 3:30, go get my sister, bring her home, nap, get ready for work, go in for ten hours, come home and on the off chance someone else cooks dinner I'm cleaning up after others and taking care of babies, eating cold dinner because the baby eats first, helping clean up the kitchen, baths and bedtime stories and don't forget the baby needs a bottle... By the time my head hits the pillow I'm so exhausted I can barely move. But let's add in trying to maintain communication with my boyfriend because he's amazing and then dealing with everyone else's struggles. Worry about bills, no it'll work out. Don't cry. Pray. Worry about laundry, we'll find somewhere to do it because I can't afford a laundry mat. Pray. Dishes are dirty, do it tomorrow, can't there's ants. There's something sticky in my hair. Baby puke? Food? Pray. No time to shower, the babies are crying again. Don't cry. Sleep? Brain says no, I've gotta figure things out. Pray. Oh wait, which baby is that? Sleep? Sure, tell me your struggles of the day. Pause a tornado hit the inside of the house again. Sleep? Go get sister. Sleep? Time to get ready for work. Pray. The car scrapes, gotta figure out how to get gravel. Don't cry. Does trash go out today? What day is it? Is there mail? Sort it later. Shit another missed appointment. I need to see both doctors. Pray. Time. Thursday? Overtime this week, maybe next week. Anakin needs a dentist appointment too. When is Williams next check up? Is that pee in the floor? Dog. Where is the dog? Forget it, just clean it up. Have these floors been swept? The babies are about to be crawling. Pray. Music. Music helps. Just kidding, tell me about your struggles. Don't cry. Wait. What was I doing? Can I just run? Let me be in your arms. Silence the world. Shit I've gotta get ready for work. Babies crying. Bottle? Diaper then bottle. Shoes? Wow these floors are gross. Is there a day off soon? Clean! Sleep? Boyfriend please. Breathe. Don't cry. What day is it again? Bills. Fuck it just go to work and pray for the best. Can I make it through this day? Have to. Boyfriend, smile. Babies. Is there enough food? Store after work. Pray. Dinner? For the love of God someone please cook tonight. And clean. Work? Babies. Clothes. Laundry. Washer/dryer? Gravel for driveway. What in the Hell is in the yard? Forget it. Pray. Deal with it later. Don't cry. Breathe. Just breathe. One step at a time. Time for work. Shit what happened to that nap again? Breathe. Pray. Just make it through today, tomorrow will be easier. No it won't. Believe it anyways to get through. This is all for a purpose. Pray. Bardstown. Home. Out of here. Don't cry, it's happening. One day at a time. Pray pray pray. Just gotta keep moving and save. Bills? Shit. Work.

This is only part of my day and only half the thoughts/events in that part. It will get easier though. Faith and somewhere along the way sleep hopefully.

Again.

The tears won today. When did I become so weak? I lead such a blessed life. So why am I constantly fighting? I fight to smile, I fight to sleep, I fight to eat. Hell, right now I'm fighting just to breathe. I'm smiling on the outside and inside I'm falling apart. Some days I wonder if I'll even make it to tomorrow. This isn't like me. This isn't who I am. Yet here I am, falling to pieces listening to the same song on repeat. I don't know how much more I can handle. When do things get easier? Not even that, but how do I find my strength again? I am not this broken woman. I fight with everything in me. So what if the electricity isn't working? So what if the vehicles are messing up? So what if the water bill is overdue? I've been through worse. I need to stand up and fight full force again but I can't seem to find it in me. So here I am on my knees again, praying for faith, praying for strength and resolve, patience. I know things will get better. I've made it through Hell and not only did I survive, but I came through better for it all. This should come as no surprise. So I suppose my little pity party is over. I'm gonna belt the lyrics to my song one more time and then I'm gonna get my ass in gear. I'm a Strickland, I'm a ginger and I'm one Hell of a woman. No matter what happens I make it.

Tonight

Really it's morning, but I have yet to sleep. For some reason I've fought tears most of the day. I've tried distracting myself with numerous tasks but it's been to no avail. I'm torn and I'm confused and I'm hopeful and I'm scared. Scared. Like the heart wrenching, I want to run away but I can't type of fear. For years now I've dated guys and fell into this honeymoon phase and thought I loved them (though I did in some ways) but then snapped back to reality and knew it wouldn't work. Looking back I've realized this pattern of pointless relationships over and over. Maybe not necessarily pointless, but not built on a solid foundation or in a healthy manner. In the end people got hurt when all they ever did was try. The exceptions to that were my ex husband, country boy and no. With Raja there was no honeymoon phase. We went straight from friends with benefits to having a baby and living together. I knew when I fell for him that he would never feel the same for me. I was a rebound for him, that turned into something more and then shattered. And that's okay. With No, I was his from the moment our eyes met. He touched places of my soul I never even knew existed to be honest. Then he ripped my soul to shreds, and even now: that's okay. In both of those relationships (well, relationship and I don't even know what to call all that) I learned a lot. Both broke me open and taught me things about myself, things about life, things about love. Both also left me with some pretty hefty scars. With country boy we both really wanted things to work. But the connection just wasn't there. No soul deep level, no true understanding. I'm not even going into the rest of it, I think I've written about it somewhere. The scars from that are still fresh. So now here I am facing every single bit of that. Looking at myself wholly and honestly and in a manner most would call raw. I see the patterns of my other relationships and realize how ridiculous they were. How much I put others through for my own selfish wants rather than holding out for what I needed. In a sense I used these people to fill a void within myself, even if it was only temporarily. Granted - those were not my intentions, nor would I ever consciously use someone else's emotions to my advantage. But it happened. Repeatedly. Of course, the moment I recognized and broke that cycle all Hell has broken loose in my mind/heart. I've been talking to someone recently, and you can technically say we're dating (though we've never actually been on a date). I'm not in love, in not even crazy gaga. But the fear I feel in my heart tells me that I could easily fall for him. Like the real kind of opening your soul and letting someone in kind of falling for someone. Yet I barely know him. Even still I find myself missing him when he's not here or I'm not there. Part of me is grateful for the distance between us and the rest of me is frustrated. The grateful part wins mostly because I'm terrified I would jump into things and end up falling for him and he won't feel the same for me. I know that I don't know him well enough to love him, but I do really really like him. That's some scary shit. I don't watch my phone waiting for a response. I don't crave people's presence. It's always been "if you're here you're here and if you're not you're not". He makes me face myself, though I don't think he knows that. Every insecurity, every fear, every doubt. Tonight I sent him a long message trying to communicate though it didn't come out right. But his response makes me question myself the more I think about it. And not in a negative manner, I need to continue growing. Plus, he had a point. I'm not used to people in general keeping a distance from me. Most people meet me and instantly fall head over heels (relationships or friends). I'm not sure why, and often times it's honestly annoying. I'm a human. I have flaws just like everyone else but most men in my life have always either chosen to ignore them or tried to "fix" me. He doesn't, or at least hasn't so far. Any time I've actually allowed myself to be vulnerable around him (which we all know is extremely difficult for me), he's just been there. He'll ask a question or give me his perspective and then let me figure it out on my own. It's liberating and terrifying all at once. It's what I need to truly grow, and that in itself scares the shit out of me. Here is a man that gives me what I need, and then gives me the space to grow on my own. He gets things like nobody else ever has as well. Besides little sister but that's obviously different. He gets the way I view the world, my thought processes, the silly little things I say or do that show who I am and how I work. He picks up on the majority of it. It's scary. Here he knows so much about me and I'm opening myself piece by piece to let him in but I feel like I don't know him at all. Not to say he hasn't opened up some as well. He's definitely more cautious than I am though, and I respect that. At least I'm trying to. This part of me tells me it's worth it, that he's worth this risk. Do y'all know how long it's been since I've risked letting someone in? I'll give you a clue. His name is no. Will this guy shatter my soul too? Can I handle that again? I know that I could, but I really don't want to. Which is where the wanting to run part comes into play. Still yet, I find myself believing he's worth it. The last time I went to his place he started playing on different instruments. It was such a joy to watch him go through different songs and play different things. To see his expressions and wonder about the reasons for why each song was chosen or created. At one point he looked at me and asked what was on my mind, but I had no words. The emotions running through me were too much to process in that moment. Then later I thought I had found the words, went to tell him and lost them again. He turns me into a fool without even trying to... And I'm not used to this. I'm not used to not knowing what to say or do or anything. In that moment all I could think was "I want you. All of you. I want to know your strengths and help you with your weaknesses, I want to know what makes you tick, I want to know your dreams and how you plan to get there, maybe even daydream about being part of them one day. I want to be there as you heal from past hurts, and stand beside you as you face any obstacles. I want to hear your laughter in moments of joy, and bask in the light of your smile when you choose to let it show. I want to soak up every part of you and know you better than I know myself. Your pain, your joy, your downfalls and your triumphs. I want to learn it all." Silly what someone playing on keyboard can make you think, huh? But in that moment he had let his guard down some and I got to see behind the mask we all wear everyday. Even if it was just a little bit, it made me want to know more. It also scared the daylights out of me. Learning those things take time. And lots of it. And I already can feel it in my bones that if he were to let me in, truly let me in, I would be helpless to stop him from gaining access to my heart. But still, I want him to. Little by little or all at once I want to know him and be there for him and give him space when he needs it and comfort when he needs it and I want to enjoy the magic of every little moment this life gives with him around. I'm scared that the strength of these feelings will be misunderstood or push him away, so generally I say nothing. I can't keep holding it all in though. From the first time I ever met him I felt drawn to him and now that pull is stronger. There's a song called Take Your Time by Sam Smith. I've thought of sending it to him, and maybe that will help explain some? I just don't wanna come off as some crazy lady head over heels for him, because that's not it at all. My feet are on the ground and my head is on my shoulders. But for the first time ever I've met someone that makes me feel and he sees things a bit differently. He gets it. I want to walk into this with him one step at a time. Eyes wide open to the wonders of the world, hearts beating in fear and anticipation of what is to come. I want to journey with him through whatever, grow together and individually, and just maybe somewhere along the way fall in love. The question is though, does he feel the same with me?

"What's on your mind?", she asked...

Everything. I need a job, the boys need stability, I need at least a basic outline of a routine to get things done around here. I need time for me, to breathe and look out into the darkness, a vast abyss, where I find myself best. I don't want to be single, but I'm tired of jumping into things I know won't work. I need a man that's going to understand me completely. And that's hard. But I know he's out there. Yet everytime someone gets close or starts to even attempt to reach the depths of my soul that I keep hidden, I run. I just feel like when he's the right one he'll be able to see through those barriers from the start. He'll be strong enough to hold me together while I fall apart in his arms and allow him to examine all those little parts of me that gather like stardust to make up the very essence of who I am. I'm an empath. I feel way more than most people do. I see things in a different light. And I want someone to experience the world at least similarly to how I do, but I'm terrified of giving someone the ability to get that deep. I want a man to seduce my soul. I want deep conversations about life and random things. I want laughter and joy and jokes because I'm fucking hilarious. I want to be able to share a look that exchanges a thousand words. I want someone to be a family with me and my children. To accept us as we are, yet also to help us constantly grow. I have this vision in my head, these dreams. I just don't think they'll ever be a reality... I'm not necessarily afraid of letting a man love me. It's just that every man I've ever been with doesn't truly get it. They love the idea of me, the side I don't share with the world. But they don't truly understand it, and when you let the wrong people in they fuck shit up regardless of their intentions. I will forever be an essence they're grasping for and can't quite reach. You know that feeling you get? When someone looks in your eyes and sees straight through to your soul? I want that. I crave it, and I feel like it's unattainable because I'm so different. The Sarah most people see daily is only the surface of what's truly there. But all those extra things beneath the "I can do anything" exterior are constantly screaming out to be released, to be shown to the world. The only trouble there is that people don't get it, and then you're separated from those you do truly love because they can't understand. And it's not that they don't want to, they just can't. So simple yet absolutely infuriating in the same breath.

Real talk

Y'all it's been so long. For so long I've been hiding behind walls and barriers, not really feeling or breathing or living. I definitely made some huge life changes recently. I'm not quite sure where to delve in first, but I guess I'll start with myself?

I acquired some new friends. Those deep, soul wrenching, heart to heart friends. Of course I still have most of the friends I had before, but these one or two people made me shine light in myself where I had been casting shadows out of fear. You see, Country Boy and I... we didn't work out. So much control, so much fear, so many nights spent feeling alone with a warm body laying next to me. Eventually I just started sleeping in another room. I couldn't do it anymore. And I tried. Lord heal my hurting heart, I did try. We had a plan, we were putting forth effort. But I just reached this place... I was completely indifferent. It honestly almost sent me into a panic attack. Like that moment of indifference threatened to overwhelm my heart and soul with so many emotions I couldn't even breathe. So I decided it was over. Right then and there. It's like, I started opening all of these doors and exploring my own heart and things went haywire. I started voicing my needs and wants and we just couldn't bear. So now here I am. I hear he's doing well, and for that I'm grateful. Since then things have been so hectic I haven't really had any time for myself. It's constantly go go go when I need to stop stop stop. I can't though. I'm a mom with two beautiful babies and a group of wonderfully loyal and amazing friends. Still, this is why I find myself sitting in a bath tonight. Not only am I sick, but I'm also just plain worn out. I've found it difficult to write recently because I haven't had the time to sit down and delve into that deeper level. I need to start making time though. Seriously. Before this life overwhelms me and stifles the parts of me that are still new and fresh to the world, those parts that almost got destroyed again. I've been living a life of routine and I need to remember to take those moments offered for peace and clarity and a soul deep appreciate for the blessings in my life. I feel like I'm rambling at this point and my concentration was totally just broken... I seriously just need some time to breathe and feel in the most raw of manners. I think I may do that soon. Just take some time to run away for me. Walk through a park or something. Clear the air and release the pent up emotions in me. There aren't many here I can honestly talk to on that raw level.
Anywho, I guess I covered two in one there? The rest will have to wait till later because I'm not ready to share. I hate that I've become this again. I hate that I've spent so long in my relationship hiding things that I now hide them from myself and others again. I had become so free and raw and real. But. This shell of a woman is rising again, one raw moment at a time. Never again will I fall "victim" to the type of control that has a hold on your very thoughts. It wasn't even intentional I don't think. I just know that the intensity and anguish were real and raw and they hurt, but they were hidden. I wasn't too become that real raw beauty again. I need that in myself. I need that feeling in myself. Trust. Reality. Raw. Beauty in happiness and misery. Those raw real moments. Those are what I live for, and I forgot how to release them myself.

Well...

Good news, bad news. Just news? First and foremost: my results came back today and I am cancer free. I still have to get a small procedure done but not having cancer makes that such s small blip on the radar. Baby William is growing so much by the day. My heart melts every time I look at him. He's holding hands and grabbing hair and smiling and trying to talk and cuddling everywhere. Sir Anakin is also doing very well. The treatment plan we have him on seems to be working quite well and he's back to being my amazing little big man. I love him so much it makes my heart ache. He's growing into quite the young man and I couldn't be more proud. Country Boy and I are still together. I'm at odds on really where we stand currently. Things got so bad there for a bit and honestly I was ready to leave. We talked in depth for the first time in ages and it seems to have helped. He's trying really hard and that's what matters most.
As far as relationships in general I'm just still not feeling that connection on a deeper level, but then maybe I'm not meant to right now. Seems every time I've ever had the type of mental/emotional connection I'm currently craving I get broken in the end. I don't mind that though, it helps me to grow more. It's never been unworthy of the prices paid from my heart. I need communication on that deepest of levels. I need to feel my soul undressed and unwound, laying in the comfort of the afternoon sun awhile or wandering through fields of thoughts and dreams. That type of connection is intense, deep, difficult yet so rewarding. I need it. My soul craves it down to my core. Usually when I start feeling this way some life changing event occurs in the near future so I'm a tad bit anxious as well. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I have so many good, loyal friends, but it's all so superficial. Get down to the nitty gritty with me. Grow with me. Open your soul and I'll do the same. I can't keep wasting time, it's all we have. Get real people. Get deep down, to the core, in touch with every fiber of your being real. I mean, it's hard. Reality checks suck, you have to learn to love your light and dark on the deepest of levels, you have to be willing to expose yourself to situations that are often less than ideal. I mean, I don't necessarily like reviewing past hurts and traumas, but I do it to keep in tune with myself and grow. I need those kinds of people in my life. Not the drama, just the kind of deep knowing and understanding that says "I am here, I am beautiful and I am a survivor." That connection from soul to soul, not just heart to heart. I need people that I can look at and know I'm not seeing a mask they're hiding behind. Be brave enough to open your soul to the world. Yes, there is risk of pain but I'm telling you the friendships derived from being that way are such a reward. Please someone... soul journey with me...

Anywho, I guess I'll update more later. I really need to try to take a nap.