In awe.

Have you ever had a best friend turned boyfriend? I have. It's so weird, in a good way. I thought I knew him so well. Yet I learn more every day. I am blessed enough to see a side of him that he doesn't show many people. He's my happy man. Carefree, stress free, happy. And putting on a mask for the rest of the world. He has allowed me the privilege of seeing him hurt and vulnerable. And it has made me love him that much more. I know, especially after tonight, that I can lean on him for support. He is finally allowing me to be there the same way for him. In general he makes me want to be a better woman. I feel like I don't deserve such an incredible man. I've hurt so many people in my past. I never want to hurt him; and I am terrified of karma. I want to put the biggest smile on his face. Every. Single. Day. I'm not madly in love, I'm still thinking clearly and I have my head on straight. I just, for once, have someone that makes me believe I am wonderful. He supports me in anything I do, holds me when I am weak, and laughs with me when I am strong. What more could a woman ask for? I want to grow with him, laugh with him, dance with him, match him tear for tear, protect him when the world is cruel, inspire him to follow his dreams, and be the best woman I can be for him. A lot of people don't understand our relationship, but they don't see us behind closed doors. Out in the world we're just two people having fun. Behind closed doors we live in our own little world where the pain hurts less and the laughter cures more. I feel this love grow inch by inch, every day just a little more. I'm praying it never stops growing.

Well then...

Let's get straight to the heart of things. I have been on an emotional roller coaster recently. Ups and downs and all arounds. I've been fighting a down phase and it definitely hit its lowest point today. Spent hours cleaning my grandma part of the house, sinus headache, back hurting, only full day I had with Anakin, just a bad mood in general. The first words I heard from my son this mornin were "I want to go to my Dad's". You have no idea how bad that tears me apart. See, Saturday was my birthday. All day I waited for Anakin to call or something. He never did. His Dad forgot it was my birthday...so I cried of course. Now some would say "why didn't you just call him". I try not to invade his time with his Dad. Yet when he's with me I try to keep his Dad updated. If he does something I'm really proud of I'll tell him. If we get a super cute picture of him I send it. If he's being a heathen I let him know. If he misses his Dad we call. Now we don't blow up his phone the whole time he's with me; just little updates here and there to keep Dad informed and incorporated into his daily life. But when he's at Dad's? It's like I don't even exist...not a single call (even on my birthday), no little updates, nothing. And it hurts. So when my birthday came and went with no call, my Mom ended up saying something to him. Of course at that time Anakin was already half asleep and wanted nothing to do with telling Mommy hello. I broke down in tears at that point, trying to explain to his Dad exactly why I was upset. Of course he didn't get it, but it felt good to finally let it out. Next was my day with Bread. I've received my new schedule (for after training) and will no longer be off on our Sundays. So I've planned to enjoy them as much as possible while we still have them. Then I slept all day. Neither of us were feeling well...then we watched Burn Notice (LOVE that show) until I left to pick up my little big man. Today he was going to come see us and ended up being busy all day. I had already had such a shitty day and it was like the icing on the cake. But; he actually made me talk it out and I felt loads better afterwards. A hot bath, some food and a little medicine later I feel a hundred times better. Me and Mom have stopped arguing, me and Bread still really like each other and Anakin is asleep before midnight. Tomorrow begins my second week of work and I'm excited to see what it brings. For now I'm going to get some sleep though. Sweet dreams (and sweeter days)!!!

Oh, hi!

Crazy busy over here! We have out of town company tonight, a quilt to finish, and dinner to make. I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I should be on later to give a full update! Feeling much better emotionally and fighting this dang down phase. The positive flowing through is sooo worth it!

Frustration.

First, I love my new job.
Second, I almost...no, I do feel guilty for taking it. The schedule I have leaves me barely any time with Anakin and also means I am not here to take care of Grams (while in training). It makes me mad. I'm 22 (as of tomorrow). Why do I have these kinds of responsibilities? I have put my whole life on hold to stay here and help take care of her. I make a step in a good direction for me and my son then feel guilty about it. I knew that taking on a full time (non-server) job would effect my time with Anakin. But I already have so little time with him I didn't realize how much it would hurt me. I chose 2nd shift instead of first so I can be here with Grams more when I get out of training. But I already know that it means probably no time with my beloved Bread and less time with my son. I hate this. I feel guilty for feeling this way. But if I wasn't...I can't think of the right word. If this responsibility of taking care of my Grams wasn't on my shoulders, I would have more flexibility with my time. I could choose whatever off days and plan my time with Anakin and Bread around those off days. Instead I have to choose my schedule based on when I'm needed here. It's frustrating. How long will my life be on hold because of family obligations? Now don't get me wrong. I love my Grams and am very blessed to have this time with her. I just feel trapped some days. Like leaving would be abandoning her and Ma (which I couldn't do). Yet staying is killing me. Some days (like today) I just don't know what to do anymore...

First day.

So it's my first day at the new job. I hate that I'm so timid around new people (as I'm "hiding" in my blog on lunch). For those of you that have met me personally you know how shy I am when first meeting new people. So meeting a whole class at once? Terrifying to me. Once I get to know people it's much easier for me to "let out" my generally bubbly personality. It's just hard for me to break that ice in the first place. I know that my comfort zone is my own worst enemy. This is my mantra for the day. I MUST get out of my comfort zone!!!

The picture says it all today :-)

Oh you know; it's just life.

What a whirlwind of a weekend!!! I spent Friday with my dearest "Bread". We slept in (of course) and then spent the day together doing all sorts of stuff. Stopped by a few stores (he apparently found this super rare movie and was super excited). Afterwards we went to his best friends house (who I had not met) and let me tell you; it was WONDERFUL! They have a little girl that is absolutely adorable and three puppies that are totally cute! We feasted on great food that I'm gonna take a moment to explain. There was fresh from the stalk broccoli with a homemade cheese sauce; savory pork chops lightly battered with flour, pepper and salt then fried in butter; potatoes that were roasted with seasoned salt/pepper/garlic; and corn on the cob (slathered in butter of course). Absolutely delicious. Afterwards we watched the movie mentioned before and had adult conversation. As a single mother that is quite unique you have no idea how uplifting and inspiring it is to meet women you can relate to. She's not a single Mom, and her husband is quite nice, but her as a person made the entire night that much more of a great time! I have very few female friends in my life and I'm very grateful for any real/genuine women I meet. It's always a joy to connect, share stories and learn new things! After dinner we had some delicious ice cream cones. I ended up sharing mine with their little girl. She really didn't even have to ask; she just looked at me all adorable like. I'm such a pushover when it comes to children other than my own. :-)
The following day I went with Sissy to our family's Fourth of July celebration. The whole way there my Zellie was texting me asking what I was doing. He lead me to believe he was at home with his girlyfriend since she's nine months preggers. Oh no. He was the first person I saw when we arrived. Needless to say; I punched him before hugging him and crying. It had been far far too long since seeing my favorite cousin. Me and Sissy mingled for a bit then kind of felt awkward. See; at any family event you see these little cliques. These kids belong to those and these siblings are really close and etc etc. Well, mine and Sissy's clique wasn't there. It was just the two of us (and Dad after the cornhole tournament). So it was kind of awkward for the two of us. Now; I'm not saying the family shunned us or anything. Everyone was delighted we had made it out. It just so happens as the day passes that the little cliques drift into their own little worlds (not hatefully by any means) and those that don't have a mass group of their immediately family get left feeling a little outsiderish. All in all though, it was a great time. We missed the fireworks because I had to come home and make sure Grams had everything she needed for bed.
Then; I went to see Bread again. :) it's crazy how much you realize you've missed someone when you go a while without seeing them. Our first day together after everything happened was a little awkward. We had to talk a bit and reconnect. Then, our second time together was much better. We stayed up way later than we should have but we were having so much fun we didn't realize how late it was. It's odd how fast time flies when you truly enjoy someone's company. This afternoon I met my sister for a bit and might I say; her daughter is too cute for words. I'm her See-rah. I absolutely adore her which is how she got me to climb through a McDonald's Playplace. Up the little step things, through the tunnels and down the slide. It's a wonder I didn't keel over from exhaustion then! So worth it though to see the smile on her face. See; I haven't been around much since she was born. A lot my fault; a little my sisters. We actually had a huge argument about it a few weeks ago. I think things are looking up though. And now that I'm starting a job in Bardstown (Tuesday!!!) I'll be able to see them more. It brings a lot of joy to my life because my Sissy was a very big role in keeping me sane throughout my childhood. We have always been close and she is one of my role models. Words can't express how important her family (my family) is to me and I'm glad to have them in my life again. With both of us making an effort we are starting to reconnect.
Anywho, after that I went back to Bread's and we made dinner. Now; this is a pretty big deal. He's never really cooked before and I love cooking. I actually usually don't let people in "my kitchen" when I'm cooking. But we worked really well together. He grilled our steak (dry rub: random spices) to a perfect medium. Warm pink middle, marbled steaks so they were tender and juicy and full of flavor. We opted out of vegetables for the evening :) The potatoes were mashed (LOTS OF BUTTAHHHH) with a hint of garlic. The mac-n-cheese was made with penne noodles and a blend of monteray jack/cheddar. We both thoroughly enjoyed it and it was our first meal made together. Cute enough to make others sick :)
After dinner I headed to pick up the most amazing, wonderful, adorable, smart and funny kid in the world! I was very excited to see my Anakin after such a long, though good, weekend. We stopped in to see a friend for her birthday. It was rather awkward because Country Boy was there. I debated for quite a while on whether I should go or not, for his sake. In the end I went (after several calls) and it wasn't all that bad, though there was that underlying awkwardness. All in all it wasn't a bad experience; I just hope he's doing alright.
We left there and stopped in to drop of some clothes to a friend of mine. Her grandson is a size below Anakin so I give them the clothes he doesn't fit anymore. I get a lot of clothes handed down to me for Anakin and I'm very grateful I can pass them along to others as well. It's gratifying to be able to help; and being a single Mom I know how much it's appreciated. Kid clothes are expensive! It was already pretty late at that point but we stayed a while anyways. It was good to catch up with her and to see the guys. It's crazy how much they've grown! I remember being their age and them harassing us all the time. Now they're all grown and I must say I'm very proud of them all. My brotha-from-anotha-motha was leaving for work as I got there. He's a little older than I am and actually works with my best friend now, hardy har har. We'll call him Bfam.
Sidenote: funny story here. Remember me telling you all I went to Juvi? Well, my FIRST court date, I'm walking through and there Bfam is! He had apparently gotten arrested for beating up a guy that hit is gf (who was preggers). So, we say hi. Well, they call my last name and I go out into the court room. But guess who's out there? His Mom!!! So here I am flipping out "OMG OMG OMG she's gonna kill me". Well it turns out, they called Bfam and just thought it was me since we had the same last name and first initial!!! It was too much! (I laugh now, I almost peed myself then)
Well now; where were we? Oh yes! So I stopped by to drop off clothes to them and catch up while my Anakin made a new friend. Then it got wayyy late so now here I am at home! Walked in and one of my delightful little nephews is here (already asleep of course). Now my little big man is asleep and I'm excited to spend time with both of them tomorrow! Sweet dreams world! P.S. If you want to see pictures of the gorgeous trip to Rineyville, or my life in general, my "picture story" is on Instagram: Srstri91.

Mornin' America

Wherever you are reading this, it's 11am here. I slept in :-) a full ten hours of sleep and I'm still tired, lol. Anywho; it's Fourth of July! This was one of my Daddy's favorite holidays (besides Memorial Day). We always got the whole family together and had our own little show. You know, he sacrificed a lot for this country. His life in the end. During the war he was a mechanic working on the airplanes. Back then they used fuels and chemicals that weren't safe, but didn't have masks to keep their oxygen clean. We believe that is what caused the lung cancer. Through it all he made sure he showed his love for our country and most importantly (to me) the people serving our country. So many people these days have turned their backs on the men and women that support and serve our country because they don't believe in the wars we've been fighting recently. I will never be able to do that though. These men and women sacrifice a lot to keep us free. In my eyes; our political views should never replace our love for the people that keep us free. Without them we wouldn't have the freedom to not only have those views but to express them as well. So this day, for my little family, is about expressing love. Rejoicing in our freedom and showing this country how blessed we are to live here. We have so much every day that we take for granted; that those in other countries are not able to have. We can choose our jobs, doctors, dreams, how many children we want. We have the freedom to start our own businesses, go wherever we want whenever we want. If we don't like a job? We can change it. If we don't like where our life is going? We can start over. We, as the people, often get caught up in the intricacies of daily life and forget how blessed we truly are. So today as you go about your daily chores and prepare for the celebrations this evening; notice all of the little things you do every day. While you're at the store getting groceries; you aren't in line waiting for portioned food. You can get as much as you want instead of your government deciding how much you deserve. While you're setting up decorations remember that you have the right to celebrate. As you hug and kiss your family and friends; remember that you've had the right to grow as big of a family as you want. Others don't. It's those simple little things we don't even notice anymore. THAT is that our servicemen/women fight for. Even now, as many of them aren't able to be home with their families because they're out there serving us. Light a candle for those that gave up their lives for us. Say a prayer (or a silent thank you for those not spiritual) to the men and women out there serving us as you read this.

Oh Wow!

This day has been so wonderful! I am ABSOLUTELY exhausted! Woke up around 8, made breakfast (and we had plenty of bacon!). Lovely Abbie spent the day with us :-) we played inside until it was time for Grams to go to dialysis. After a very unexpectedly easy nap time we played outside. Exploring the "forest" which is really the yard. We made necklaces from flowers, saw "monkeys" swinging in the willow trees, followed a bumblebee through the field, saw "monsters in the marsh" (filled in pond), swung in the sunshine and enjoyed the breeze. It was such a wonderful relaxing day. There really are no words to explain the feelings of the day. It was graceful, light, free, flowing. The way the breeze wove through the branches of the willows and the bees went about their daily work without a care. It was as if the three of us just blended in with the nature. The day flowed so freely it was over too soon!

Another here I am...

It's been a while since I've done this; but the songs on the radio won't stop ringing in my ears.

So here I am listening to this song; it reminds me of you. Here I am patiently waiting for you to pull me near. Here I am worried. Here I am with memories on display. Here I am trying not to think; that's why this house is so clean. Here I am learning to wait; hoping I didn't lose you because of my mistakes. Here I am dancing to our favorite song; your hoodie and my underwear. Here I am scrubbing, organizing, sweep here, wipe down that over there. Here I am breathing. Take it slow Sarah; you may never know. Keep it positive Sarah; losing hope is what got you here. So here I am, lost in thought, taking it all in. Here I am believing. The stars are shining bright, sky a pretty purple/blue. There's that song on the radio. Here I am swaying to the beat. The words flowing so deep; finding their way to my heart. Here I am; knowing I will be okay either way. Fill me with pain; it will replace the fear. Fill me with hope; I want to hold you my dear. Moving through time, gaining strength with each beat. Here I am believing. Not in you, not in me; in this place there is no fear. Floating away in a dream but baby you're still there. Here I go; change the tune. Lift my spirits, I will not float to you. Here I am holding on to my dream, I feel at peace there. Here I am after speaking to you. Yes, I let you interrupt my thoughts. Here I am knowing you don't know how big I smiled when you called me baby :-)

On that note. I'm goin to sleep! Sweet dreams universe!

Hey hey! (wiggly eyebrow thing)

Today. Has been exhausting! Didn't sleep much last night, got up for my interview, became employed, took Grams and a cranky Anakin to the store and dinner. I have barely been home all day and have been going non-stop! Sent Bread a message yesterday explaining EVERYTHING so he has time to think it all over before we talk (hindsight really IS 20/20). Got to actually hear his voice today for the first time in what seems like forever but really has only been a week. I'm am trying my hardest not to stress there. Whatever he decides I will be okay with; my decisions got us here. Had a friend unexpectedly help me out financially (I was in the negative and getting nowhere but deeper). Got my schedule worked out for work, childcare taken care of, a plan in place. It's time to get back up on my feet :-) other than that, Grams is crazy. Thought she could get a full badminton set for under five dollars. Sorry crazy lady; not even at Walmart. Dinner went well and turned out to be kids night (hooray pictures for the fridge :)
It's been a busy busy day; which is good for me. I enjoyed the sunshine while it was here, and the rain while it washed the earth clean. Ate entirely too much at dinner (yumyum) and now I would LOVE a nap. I wouldn't sleep tonight though so I'm going to stay up and finish laundry, do the dishes and clean up the apartment. Yep, definitely a crazy busy day. Goodnight all, and remember to wish on every star ;)

Day by day.

They say when a butterfly lands near it is a sign of hope. And as I swing today I am praying it is true. See, less than a week ago I made a huge mistake. It hurt a lot of people, including me. Yes, my mistakes may have cost me dearly. For my followers; you all know the history of the one I call "love". You all were there through that whole ordeal. And the "demise" of me and Country Boy. Two different stories but both very important to this one. Well, as you all know, me and Country Boy remained friends. Which really means we never truly let the other go.
So, there's the back story. Now, back in September I met a friend. I'm gonna call him Bread. He quickly became a wonderful friend. Someone I could laugh with, talk with and have an all around good time. Well. We started "talking" once but I felt as if he just wanted a friends with benefits type thing so I called it off. Started dating crazy (that's a story for another day...) and he was excited about a girl he used to know coming home. Well, crazy went crazy. The girl came home and didn't want to be with him. With us, one thing led to another. There we were, in a relationship. He made me smile constantly, was always uplifting, just in general wonderful. I did my thing, he did his and then we did our own thing together. It was the way things are supposed to be. I missed him when he wasn't around, and he missed me. Well, went out with Country Boy and his Mom to a bar. Guess who we ran into? Yep...that man I called "love" (we're changing his name to TP from here on out). In that nano second my whole world flipped upside down again. Here I thought I was over it, and in an instant I was ripped open again. Like whiplash. Over the course of the next few days I was trying to right my universe. Looking back, I should have just waited a little more. Silly me just jumped right in. Thinking over everything I decided I had to leave Bread (after all he made me feel wonderful similar to how TP once did. Couldn't deal with another heartbreak). I went back to Country Boy and was ready to settle forever. But there's that word. Settle. Give up my dream of being in love forever, give up a part of me. Leaving Bread made me have that realization. By then it was too late though. The decisions had been made, everything was in motion. I was miserable. No energy, crying all the time, completely distraught. Was I really willing to give up my dream for the promise of a comfortable forever? It was an intense week. Thinking I could make it work, wondering if it wouldn't, trying so hard to give up a part of my heart. Missing Bread as well; my lover and best friend. So yesterday I ended things with Country Boy. Permanently. And I know his hurt; I've felt it before (thanks TP). I, however, chose not to just disappear. I faced Country Boy, listened to him for a while, and when my own heart couldn't take anymore I asked him to walk out the door. He made a promise the first time that he would never walk out the door, but I broke it for him. I am hoping that with that freedom, time and good people in his life; he can move forward. It is not that he is not enough for me. I am not enough for him. I want something different from my life and he deserves someone that has more to offer.
Now on to the subject matter: day by day. I have asked Bread if we can sit down and talk. I miss everything about him. First and foremost, he is my best friend. Past that, I have missed being in his arms. I miss how green his eyes are, or those rants that make me cry in laughter. I miss his singing. The way my hand fits in his. Those hugs that make me feel as if I'm floating on air. That laughter which always fills a room. And his incomparable knowledge of the media world. I even miss his cat. I know, I'm weird. And I'm crazy. But I'm crazy about him. I was so worried about forever that I failed to see what and WHO was right in front of me. So I've asked him for some time to breathe (for both of us) and then for us to sit down and talk later. I don't know what is going to happen from here. I know that I have learned some VERY valuable lessons that I will keep with me forever, whatever he decides. So for now, it is a new day. I am in love with my universe, and I will not worry about tomorrow or the next day or the future. I will live in the present, do my best and pray I can be a better woman tomorrow.