Argh

I feel like I'm losing my shit. I'm constantly fighting tears, completely exhausted and stressed the fuck out. I feel nothing like myself and I hate being like this. And everyone around me is being so patient and so kind. I feel like I'm failing them all...

Sometimes

There are days my heart bleeds for this world we're living in...

So

I've begun counseling again. I really like my psychologist. She puts me a bit out of my comfort zone, but that's good for growth. And she uses art. I've started working on mandalas. Started drawing one tonight. She was right, you learn a lot about yourself in the process. The one I started is supposed to be a self representation. As I was drawing that's the main thought that was on my mind. And then I just let it flow. Turned out to be a woman. I thought she would be a gypsy but she's not. She's beautiful though. A bit complicated. She gives it all and holds nothing back. You can see the darkness creeping through the lines though. And the way she feels so isolated while giving so much. She's a witch, a mermaid, a queen. All in one. It's hard top explain and now I'm singing. More later!

You know those nightmares you get where you're drowning and everyone else is looking over the boat like nothing is wrong? And you're screaming at them to help you, someone please help...but they don't. Because they can't see you, and the words won't come out because you're slowly drowning while everyone you love is watching you slip away without even realizing it.

This is me. This. Is me.

Hello again Margaret...

Tehehe! Get it? No? Ray Stevens. He's hilarious.

Anywho. It's been a while since I've posted. Time is flying by in the blink of an eye and life has been more than a little crazy. I can't even begin to explain everything that has happened and everything that is going on now in these moments. But life is so full and even in the most hectic of moments when I am begging myself to just make it through one more step; for one more day - I know how is substantially blessed we are to have this. I mean I have a 5 year old son who is crazy smart and often times he is the sweetest boy you could ever imagine. Even in his moments of anger or sadness or grumpy sleepiness he's truly wonderful and a gift. I have a 10 month old son who is so funny and to watch him learn is a miracle in itself. To be able to be a part of that though, and to teach him and care for him through that process is undescribable. It really is; and then on top of that to have someone by my side who not only helps me but is there for me...I can't put it into words. And so we go through every day and life is crazy crazy hectic, I mean there is so much going on, but my heart is so full from everything. I don't know how to explain it. We have taken on a lot to say the least and we have a plan and for once it's not just a plan.  We have goals and we both have ambition and we both have drive and we're pushing forward. Even when we have setbacks, and there been a lot of them, we're still moving forward and we're still growing individually and together and as a family. I usually I get on here to to vent so that I can relieve the stress of the day today and get it out in words. I can't find the words for everything that's happening, for everything that's going on, but I can tell you all that even with so much happening my heart is over bursting with joy and love and hope. I think hope is the biggest. Maybe joy. I'm not sure. This life may be chaotic to say the least but it is ours and it is beautiful and I've never wanted anything more. The peace that I feel in my heart, even with tons of stress and crazines, the peace I feel in my heart, the blessings that we receive every day...our lives are magical.

Grief

I teared up today out of nowhere, then realized I was missing you. Blonde hair and blue eyes, you're too smart for your own good. And it drives me crazy how much attention you want from me, as if I had limitless energy. Your toys strewn about the floor for me to stub my toes on. The nightly fight to get you in bed. It's infuriating, exhausting, and more than I could ever dream. I'd give the world just to have you home with me. You see, grief isn't just about losing a person forever. I grieve every time you two leave. For the time lost, the week gone by too fast, the sound of your chatter when you talk off my ear. I miss watching your brother learn and rocking him to sleep. I grieve as only a mother can each time you walk out that door. And every day I'm praying to get through that time until you both come back home. Until I can hold you in my arms and not just my heart.

Ugh...

I knew that it would happen eventually. I just didn't realize it would be so soon. It happened today though. We were driving back from my little sisters driving test and there you were. My first reaction was shock, followed by fear and then quickly overrun by anger. Boiling in me like the rage you deserve. Riding along on your bike with its sorry ass windgaurd, as if you deserve to be alive. As if your freedom doesn't put oh so many at risk. I hate everything you are. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing your face. Everyone tells me I'm so beautiful, so how did I come from something so hideous? You have no heart. You have no morals. You have nothing. You are nothing. Nothing but a monster in human form. If I believed in demons on earth you'd be first grade. Piece. Of. Shit. But then it wasn't you. Here I was having homicidal thoughts about some poor guy that just happened to be on a bike like yours. The rage receded. I took a breath. Yet still I fought the tears. How could you do this to us? Strike fear in the hearts of those you're supposed to love. Those you're supposed to nurture. All you ever did was create nightmares. Hell, the worst of what you did wasn't even to me. I don't know if I'm afraid of you or of myself when the day comes to face you. I preach forgiveness, a life of the higher ground. I am above your petty actions. Still, I don't know if I could ever forgive. I try my hardest. But every time I hear your name or it crosses my mind there's bile that rises in my throat. Burning like the anger rolls. I pray that day never comes. I want nothing to do with you. Ever. My children will never know your name. But my sisters? They'll deal with the Hell you created for them the rest of their lives. How? Why? I wish they'd let you rot.

Memorial Day

It's coming round again... I miss you so much it hurts. Especially this year. We're going to have a cookout. The first one since you passed away... It hurts to know my boys will never know your silly songs. Will never know your face retelling how you saved me from the snakes on that last memorial day you could walk. William will never know the man who shared his name. I couldn't fully give him your name, for reasons we should all be aware of by now. But my heart still smiles to know he's got a part of you to carry with him forever. You'd love him to pieces. Anakin would join in your silly songs. I've contemplated teaching him them just to hear someone walking around the house singing them again. Or your laughter, how rare but how musical filling our home when you found something funny. I've thought of taking a day to see you over the weekend. Making a trip of it with my love. Oh, how you would have enjoyed knowing him...I miss you daddy. I hope you look down and smile Monday. I hope you know we've never forgotten you. And I pray every day that you would be proud of me and the woman I'm becoming. It's been ten years but it hurts like it was yesterday...

Because sometimes I just wanna say f*ck being a mom

Let me just upchuck these words like the bile rising in my throat..
When did this get so hard? Let's be an idiot and go bathing suit shopping like we're gonna find one that's cute and doesn't scream "I'm a mom". Except the only ones I like are one pieces and they have some cute ones but I don't have $40 for that. So instead let's piece together old bathing suits that don't fit anymore because motherhood changes EVERYTHING. I shouldn't be biting back tears. I'm proud of my stretch marks, I'm proud of my extra pounds. I've spent eight months convincing myself that I'm okay with this. That it doesn't matter that my boobs aren't as perky as they used to be. Hell, they're smaller than they've ever been and there wasn't much to begin. But I've spent months working myself up for this. Knowing I should be proud of my body and the things it's created. Yet I'm not. I want my youth back. I don't want my thighs to dimple when I shift my weight. I don't want to put on an xl bottom when I've only ever worn mediums, sometimes large. I don't like the dip in my hips creating a muffin top esque appearance regardless of the size of bottoms I put on. I want my strength back. My endurance. My cardio. I find it finitely baffling that after child two I've returned to the struggle of one again morning the woman I used to be. But it's all changed. Everything. Even my own personal style has changed. Fitted, not tight. Cute yet classy. Alluring but conservative. Can I just go back to the fifties already? Give me a one piece and let me rock that shit sexy or give me back my old body... what happened to the days of running with reckless abandon in a poor excuse for coverage and not giving a shit? Still feeling sexy? Why do I feel like I'm grieving the loss of what my body used to be? Why do I feel as if I've lost my youth? My appeal? How can I look at a picture of my own body less than two years ago and barely recognize myself.  How can others not recognize it as me at all? Sure, I've got a nice ass by others accounts. Truth be told I don't think it's all that great and I get sick of hearing about it. My pride and joy used to be my legs. Long enough but not too long. Toned, strong. Lean. My torso with my ever perky boobs and smooth abdomen. Now there's like this permanent pooch and I have no idea when my boobs started looking like they've been engorged with milk a time or two. (Twice. Foreal.) I should love this motherly body of mine. But I'm not ready to feel so old. My face forever appears younger than my age, but the rest of my body? Shows in ways only clothes can mask. And that's precisely what I do day in and day out. Give a woman the right clothes and she can conquer the world. Put her in a bathing suit and apparently all façades of confidence shatter...

Fight or flight

I had another flashback last night. It's been so long and I was so unprepared. It hit like a ton of bricks. The fear and then shock and now that voice won't stop. That inky feeling is back. The one that makes my skin crawl and no amount of showers will wash it away. And so badly I needed someone here. To remind me that this is reality and the rest is just some distant memory. But that comfort won't come and I keep finding myself unable to hold back the tears. I try to speak and it's like my throat closes it on itself. "Don't make a sound Sarah" "let down your pretty hair for me Sarah" "do as I say Sarah and there will be no more scars". But there are scars. On my body. In my mind. On my heart. I can feel his hand on my throat, shutting off the ability to scream. Feel every touch like a burn seared into my memory. And I just want it to stop. I wanted him to stop and he never would. I want the voices to stop and they're overwhelming. I'm crying out and begging for mercy. For someone with a loving touch to hold me. For someone to remind me how to breathe rather than drowning in these memories. But that help won't come. Nobody will ever understand these needs. People only think of their own. And this lesson I should have learned so long ago. When it comes down to it this is my burden to bear and how stupid and naive was I to believe that maybe someday someone would be there. How child-like to believe someone could see the pain and misery behind the silence and tears in my eyes. They didn't back then, why would anyone now? So I'll force myself to breathe past the memories suffocating me. I'll force it down like the bile it is. And I know it's poison running through my veins. And maybe someday I'll find the cure.

Why I don't like Mother's Day

This...
"Oh, you're working on Mother's Day? That's so shitty. It's supposed to be a day about you, a day for you."

No. Just no. I don't want flowers or presents or any of that. I don't want a day "about me". That's not how you can show true appreciation for everything a mother does. You know what I want? I want to come home to a house that's clean.  Legitimately clean. With things on the to do list finished. I want a delicious melt in your mouth dinner prepared without having to do a thing. I want a movie cuddled up as a family in the living room. I want a bubble bath, complete with candles and a glass of wine. Norah Jones sultry tone playing through the speakers. I want to be seen as a woman and not just a mother. But you know what? I've got all of that. Maybe not every day, certainly a day doesn't go by without one of the children throwing a tantrum or something going wrong. But I don't care. I've got a little boy that gives me random kisses and tells me he loves me. He thanks me for dinner every night, says his prayers and tries his hardest to be the best little big man around. I've got a baby that hugs me and let's me cuddle him to sleep just about every night. I've got two kids that make me laugh, make me cry and show me every day that every moment with them is a piece of Heaven sent to earth. It's a blessing. Motherhood is a gift from God and I don't need appreciation for the blessings he's given me. I've got a man that sees when I'm overwhelmed and does everything he can to help. That shows me appreciation for raising two kids and doing all I can for our family but that also reminds me I'm a woman. He makes me feel like a goddess even with my stretch marks and bad attitude days. We're a team, a family that works together. And that's so much better than flowers once a year. That's everything. All day. Every day. No, I don't want Mother's Day. I don't care a thing about it other than making it special for my mother. I just want the every day. I live an extremely blessed life and I don't need some special day out of the year because every day is special to me.

I need...

A day to journey
A moment to breathe
The wind through my hair
The ground beneath my feet
A dress that flows when I walk
And a skip in my step
I need to recover
To restore
To retreat into me

This world is so overwhelming, and I may seem strong but inside I'm breaking. I need understanding. A hand to hold. Don't demand of me, but be there for me. And actually be there. For words sound so sweet but they turn so bitter when actions compete. I may make choices with which you don't agree. Don't snap. Don't be angry. Just take a moment and try to understand. For when you listen and watch from a place of understanding instead of retaliation the world becomes so much clearer. I miss the beauty of the wind dancing with the leaves... And oh how I long to dance freely. To wrap myself in the warmth of the love from this universe. This works is so beautiful and it's been so long adobe I've stopped to enjoy its beauty. The stars don't shine quite so bright hear and the music of the earth has turned to cats driving by and shouts throughout the night. Would you come away with me? Stand back patiently or run with me? Not running away. But running into the arms of earth herself. Would you breathe deeply with me as I take it all in? As I soak in the magick of this earth and restore my heart? If not I ask that you grant me the time to do so myself, for I so deeply need to breathe. To meditate and journey. Perhaps somewhere new, perhaps somewhere treasured. I need time with my thoughts, and moments to stand in the breeze. I need to run through creek beds and splash in the water as a child. I need to return the light to my eyes and the blush to my cheeks. The life to my very essence, for it has been so drained recently. My heart is hurting, my head is spinning. The wheels keep turning but they're stuck trapped here. My place is not in this city, burdened with the weight of this world. The stress is too much, the worries like chains on my feet that love to skip so freely. The day to day is often so lovely yet so taxing on my soul. And I know that you look at me and see what you see, but you've never seen me release my gypsy. She's so  desperately begging to be free, if only for a day. I promise you that we would return, though we may take the long way home. That sentence made me giggle for I'm currently listening to a Norah Jones song. It's called "Come Away With Me". That line is from a different song though. Could you imagine a day in the fields and trees? Just the two of us laughing and dancing and being. For just a day. I just want to be. Leaves the worries of reality behind and make a little magic to restore. It isn't really a want. This is what I need.

Prayers

Sometimes it's just too much, ya know? The weight of everything held inside seeps out regardless of how much you try to contain it and handle it. And then its like this explosion of insanity towards everyone around but no matter how hard you try you just can't get yourself in check. And then you find yourself staring in the mirror asking your reflection to just hold on, to make it through, to stop shedding those tears and don't let them know you're down. But that's just the thing. I am down. I am down and hurting and grasping onto any small sliver of hope that things are going to get easier inside my own heart. And this huge part of me wants to reach out but I can't bring myself to. I don't want to feel like I'm making excuses or bring other people into my own hurt. I know that other people have things going on so I'm trying my best to just hold on and make it through and be understanding of others and still take care of my never ending responsibilities but I can still feel those around me suffering the consequences of the shit going on inside me. And I don't know what to do. I keep turning away so they don't see my tears. I'm failing at biting my tongue today and holding in all these emotions. Its like its all spilling out but in the oh so wrong ways...and for now, I must attempt to sleep because tomorrow is another day and I've gotta stay strong...I need prayers y'all. Lots of prayers.

Rainy Days

Oh they're my favorite... It's beautiful and magical to watch the earth nourish itself, washing away debris and toxins, soaking in fresh resources, the smell of clean and free. Not caring if it's anything to anyone else, just nurturing herself. There's something incredibly  beautiful and magical about the days the earth chooses to do this. And sometimes I wonder why we as humans can't do this ourselves. If we're getting a little dry or weighted down or blue. I want to. So if I can, and sometimes even when I shouldn't, I choose to embrace the rain. Staring out the window watching it is depressing, listening to it's song as it pours down is like a calling. A longing. A missed embrace. Especially when I'm already feeling blue. So love me in these moments. As I dress, watch my eyes light up with the magic. See my cheeks blush with excitement, the color washing over my skin coming from within like a glow that's been covered far too long by the world. Hear as my breath catches on the roll of thunder and my eye flash with increasing intensity each time lightning strikes. Allow me to feel beauty in these moments -in myself and this earth and the magical being she is. Don't question, don't tease. Join me, if you will. And if not simply step back to see. Watch how I breathe so deeply, taking in every fresh scent, cleansing my soul. Dance with me, spin in circles, freeing myself from the chains of every day living -from trying so hard to be normal. Because we all know how much it's a struggle.  Allow me to be me. Soak in the moments as I soak in the rain and remember what it's like to be free, child-like in wonder and full of potential and confidence and life. Hear true laughter from my heart as it beats with each passing drop, cleansing itself of worry and stress. And in that moment when it's all gone, when the bad has been removed by the beauty of this earth, look at me. Truly look and see the way I'm lit from within. Gaze into my eyes and you'll see the depths of my soul. See me as I wish I could be every day, bare to the soul and magical and full of love and laughter and light. Soak in that moment because all too soon it's gone and reality returns to weight down on my soul just as the rain stops and the earth begins to face us all once more. Bare yourself and take me in your arms as only you can. Dance with me to a song only we can hear -the rain beating down and our hearts racing and laughter floating through the air. No, my dear, don't question or assume or overthink. Not in these moments. Not like this. Just be. And breathe. Watch...no, admire. As the magic of the earth reminds me of who I'm meant to be.

Odd moments

That song came on today. And I realized what it means to truly be moved on. At one point it would have reduced me to tears. Yet I found myself shocked as your name crossed my mind. I tried to think back to the last time I thought of you, the last time I shed a tear, the last time I went the wrong way down the highway forgetting I wasn't going to you. I can't remember. It's insane, right? Someone that once meant so much to me, that shattered me so completely. Now you mean nothing at all. Just a distant memory. And that's how you know when you've truly moved on. The memories will never stop. They may fade, but they'll always be there.  Especially when you love someone as much as I loved you. But it dawned on me as I listened to that song. You no longer have that effect on me. My heart is free from you. So now I'm sitting here with this weight off my shoulders. You always had a knack for coming back around when I'm happy, for pulling me back in. And I'm sure one day you'll try again. But I'll be ready this time, because I'll never again give up my happiness for you. You're truly a no as we've called you for a couple of years. And that my friends... that's a glorious thing to know.

Yea...

Some days I wonder how much longer I can do this. It's exhausting. I am mother to two amazing little boys, but I feel like mom to everyone else as well. I'm working, cooking, cleaning, mothering, helping, driving, trying to maintain a healthy ldr, dealing with own personal business, trying to make ends meet, trying to lift others up, etc etc. I barely have the energy to even play with my kids anymore. I wake up at 3:30, go get my sister, bring her home, nap, get ready for work, go in for ten hours, come home and on the off chance someone else cooks dinner I'm cleaning up after others and taking care of babies, eating cold dinner because the baby eats first, helping clean up the kitchen, baths and bedtime stories and don't forget the baby needs a bottle... By the time my head hits the pillow I'm so exhausted I can barely move. But let's add in trying to maintain communication with my boyfriend because he's amazing and then dealing with everyone else's struggles. Worry about bills, no it'll work out. Don't cry. Pray. Worry about laundry, we'll find somewhere to do it because I can't afford a laundry mat. Pray. Dishes are dirty, do it tomorrow, can't there's ants. There's something sticky in my hair. Baby puke? Food? Pray. No time to shower, the babies are crying again. Don't cry. Sleep? Brain says no, I've gotta figure things out. Pray. Oh wait, which baby is that? Sleep? Sure, tell me your struggles of the day. Pause a tornado hit the inside of the house again. Sleep? Go get sister. Sleep? Time to get ready for work. Pray. The car scrapes, gotta figure out how to get gravel. Don't cry. Does trash go out today? What day is it? Is there mail? Sort it later. Shit another missed appointment. I need to see both doctors. Pray. Time. Thursday? Overtime this week, maybe next week. Anakin needs a dentist appointment too. When is Williams next check up? Is that pee in the floor? Dog. Where is the dog? Forget it, just clean it up. Have these floors been swept? The babies are about to be crawling. Pray. Music. Music helps. Just kidding, tell me about your struggles. Don't cry. Wait. What was I doing? Can I just run? Let me be in your arms. Silence the world. Shit I've gotta get ready for work. Babies crying. Bottle? Diaper then bottle. Shoes? Wow these floors are gross. Is there a day off soon? Clean! Sleep? Boyfriend please. Breathe. Don't cry. What day is it again? Bills. Fuck it just go to work and pray for the best. Can I make it through this day? Have to. Boyfriend, smile. Babies. Is there enough food? Store after work. Pray. Dinner? For the love of God someone please cook tonight. And clean. Work? Babies. Clothes. Laundry. Washer/dryer? Gravel for driveway. What in the Hell is in the yard? Forget it. Pray. Deal with it later. Don't cry. Breathe. Just breathe. One step at a time. Time for work. Shit what happened to that nap again? Breathe. Pray. Just make it through today, tomorrow will be easier. No it won't. Believe it anyways to get through. This is all for a purpose. Pray. Bardstown. Home. Out of here. Don't cry, it's happening. One day at a time. Pray pray pray. Just gotta keep moving and save. Bills? Shit. Work.

This is only part of my day and only half the thoughts/events in that part. It will get easier though. Faith and somewhere along the way sleep hopefully.

Again.

The tears won today. When did I become so weak? I lead such a blessed life. So why am I constantly fighting? I fight to smile, I fight to sleep, I fight to eat. Hell, right now I'm fighting just to breathe. I'm smiling on the outside and inside I'm falling apart. Some days I wonder if I'll even make it to tomorrow. This isn't like me. This isn't who I am. Yet here I am, falling to pieces listening to the same song on repeat. I don't know how much more I can handle. When do things get easier? Not even that, but how do I find my strength again? I am not this broken woman. I fight with everything in me. So what if the electricity isn't working? So what if the vehicles are messing up? So what if the water bill is overdue? I've been through worse. I need to stand up and fight full force again but I can't seem to find it in me. So here I am on my knees again, praying for faith, praying for strength and resolve, patience. I know things will get better. I've made it through Hell and not only did I survive, but I came through better for it all. This should come as no surprise. So I suppose my little pity party is over. I'm gonna belt the lyrics to my song one more time and then I'm gonna get my ass in gear. I'm a Strickland, I'm a ginger and I'm one Hell of a woman. No matter what happens I make it.

Tonight

Really it's morning, but I have yet to sleep. For some reason I've fought tears most of the day. I've tried distracting myself with numerous tasks but it's been to no avail. I'm torn and I'm confused and I'm hopeful and I'm scared. Scared. Like the heart wrenching, I want to run away but I can't type of fear. For years now I've dated guys and fell into this honeymoon phase and thought I loved them (though I did in some ways) but then snapped back to reality and knew it wouldn't work. Looking back I've realized this pattern of pointless relationships over and over. Maybe not necessarily pointless, but not built on a solid foundation or in a healthy manner. In the end people got hurt when all they ever did was try. The exceptions to that were my ex husband, country boy and no. With Raja there was no honeymoon phase. We went straight from friends with benefits to having a baby and living together. I knew when I fell for him that he would never feel the same for me. I was a rebound for him, that turned into something more and then shattered. And that's okay. With No, I was his from the moment our eyes met. He touched places of my soul I never even knew existed to be honest. Then he ripped my soul to shreds, and even now: that's okay. In both of those relationships (well, relationship and I don't even know what to call all that) I learned a lot. Both broke me open and taught me things about myself, things about life, things about love. Both also left me with some pretty hefty scars. With country boy we both really wanted things to work. But the connection just wasn't there. No soul deep level, no true understanding. I'm not even going into the rest of it, I think I've written about it somewhere. The scars from that are still fresh. So now here I am facing every single bit of that. Looking at myself wholly and honestly and in a manner most would call raw. I see the patterns of my other relationships and realize how ridiculous they were. How much I put others through for my own selfish wants rather than holding out for what I needed. In a sense I used these people to fill a void within myself, even if it was only temporarily. Granted - those were not my intentions, nor would I ever consciously use someone else's emotions to my advantage. But it happened. Repeatedly. Of course, the moment I recognized and broke that cycle all Hell has broken loose in my mind/heart. I've been talking to someone recently, and you can technically say we're dating (though we've never actually been on a date). I'm not in love, in not even crazy gaga. But the fear I feel in my heart tells me that I could easily fall for him. Like the real kind of opening your soul and letting someone in kind of falling for someone. Yet I barely know him. Even still I find myself missing him when he's not here or I'm not there. Part of me is grateful for the distance between us and the rest of me is frustrated. The grateful part wins mostly because I'm terrified I would jump into things and end up falling for him and he won't feel the same for me. I know that I don't know him well enough to love him, but I do really really like him. That's some scary shit. I don't watch my phone waiting for a response. I don't crave people's presence. It's always been "if you're here you're here and if you're not you're not". He makes me face myself, though I don't think he knows that. Every insecurity, every fear, every doubt. Tonight I sent him a long message trying to communicate though it didn't come out right. But his response makes me question myself the more I think about it. And not in a negative manner, I need to continue growing. Plus, he had a point. I'm not used to people in general keeping a distance from me. Most people meet me and instantly fall head over heels (relationships or friends). I'm not sure why, and often times it's honestly annoying. I'm a human. I have flaws just like everyone else but most men in my life have always either chosen to ignore them or tried to "fix" me. He doesn't, or at least hasn't so far. Any time I've actually allowed myself to be vulnerable around him (which we all know is extremely difficult for me), he's just been there. He'll ask a question or give me his perspective and then let me figure it out on my own. It's liberating and terrifying all at once. It's what I need to truly grow, and that in itself scares the shit out of me. Here is a man that gives me what I need, and then gives me the space to grow on my own. He gets things like nobody else ever has as well. Besides little sister but that's obviously different. He gets the way I view the world, my thought processes, the silly little things I say or do that show who I am and how I work. He picks up on the majority of it. It's scary. Here he knows so much about me and I'm opening myself piece by piece to let him in but I feel like I don't know him at all. Not to say he hasn't opened up some as well. He's definitely more cautious than I am though, and I respect that. At least I'm trying to. This part of me tells me it's worth it, that he's worth this risk. Do y'all know how long it's been since I've risked letting someone in? I'll give you a clue. His name is no. Will this guy shatter my soul too? Can I handle that again? I know that I could, but I really don't want to. Which is where the wanting to run part comes into play. Still yet, I find myself believing he's worth it. The last time I went to his place he started playing on different instruments. It was such a joy to watch him go through different songs and play different things. To see his expressions and wonder about the reasons for why each song was chosen or created. At one point he looked at me and asked what was on my mind, but I had no words. The emotions running through me were too much to process in that moment. Then later I thought I had found the words, went to tell him and lost them again. He turns me into a fool without even trying to... And I'm not used to this. I'm not used to not knowing what to say or do or anything. In that moment all I could think was "I want you. All of you. I want to know your strengths and help you with your weaknesses, I want to know what makes you tick, I want to know your dreams and how you plan to get there, maybe even daydream about being part of them one day. I want to be there as you heal from past hurts, and stand beside you as you face any obstacles. I want to hear your laughter in moments of joy, and bask in the light of your smile when you choose to let it show. I want to soak up every part of you and know you better than I know myself. Your pain, your joy, your downfalls and your triumphs. I want to learn it all." Silly what someone playing on keyboard can make you think, huh? But in that moment he had let his guard down some and I got to see behind the mask we all wear everyday. Even if it was just a little bit, it made me want to know more. It also scared the daylights out of me. Learning those things take time. And lots of it. And I already can feel it in my bones that if he were to let me in, truly let me in, I would be helpless to stop him from gaining access to my heart. But still, I want him to. Little by little or all at once I want to know him and be there for him and give him space when he needs it and comfort when he needs it and I want to enjoy the magic of every little moment this life gives with him around. I'm scared that the strength of these feelings will be misunderstood or push him away, so generally I say nothing. I can't keep holding it all in though. From the first time I ever met him I felt drawn to him and now that pull is stronger. There's a song called Take Your Time by Sam Smith. I've thought of sending it to him, and maybe that will help explain some? I just don't wanna come off as some crazy lady head over heels for him, because that's not it at all. My feet are on the ground and my head is on my shoulders. But for the first time ever I've met someone that makes me feel and he sees things a bit differently. He gets it. I want to walk into this with him one step at a time. Eyes wide open to the wonders of the world, hearts beating in fear and anticipation of what is to come. I want to journey with him through whatever, grow together and individually, and just maybe somewhere along the way fall in love. The question is though, does he feel the same with me?

"What's on your mind?", she asked...

Everything. I need a job, the boys need stability, I need at least a basic outline of a routine to get things done around here. I need time for me, to breathe and look out into the darkness, a vast abyss, where I find myself best. I don't want to be single, but I'm tired of jumping into things I know won't work. I need a man that's going to understand me completely. And that's hard. But I know he's out there. Yet everytime someone gets close or starts to even attempt to reach the depths of my soul that I keep hidden, I run. I just feel like when he's the right one he'll be able to see through those barriers from the start. He'll be strong enough to hold me together while I fall apart in his arms and allow him to examine all those little parts of me that gather like stardust to make up the very essence of who I am. I'm an empath. I feel way more than most people do. I see things in a different light. And I want someone to experience the world at least similarly to how I do, but I'm terrified of giving someone the ability to get that deep. I want a man to seduce my soul. I want deep conversations about life and random things. I want laughter and joy and jokes because I'm fucking hilarious. I want to be able to share a look that exchanges a thousand words. I want someone to be a family with me and my children. To accept us as we are, yet also to help us constantly grow. I have this vision in my head, these dreams. I just don't think they'll ever be a reality... I'm not necessarily afraid of letting a man love me. It's just that every man I've ever been with doesn't truly get it. They love the idea of me, the side I don't share with the world. But they don't truly understand it, and when you let the wrong people in they fuck shit up regardless of their intentions. I will forever be an essence they're grasping for and can't quite reach. You know that feeling you get? When someone looks in your eyes and sees straight through to your soul? I want that. I crave it, and I feel like it's unattainable because I'm so different. The Sarah most people see daily is only the surface of what's truly there. But all those extra things beneath the "I can do anything" exterior are constantly screaming out to be released, to be shown to the world. The only trouble there is that people don't get it, and then you're separated from those you do truly love because they can't understand. And it's not that they don't want to, they just can't. So simple yet absolutely infuriating in the same breath.

Real talk

Y'all it's been so long. For so long I've been hiding behind walls and barriers, not really feeling or breathing or living. I definitely made some huge life changes recently. I'm not quite sure where to delve in first, but I guess I'll start with myself?

I acquired some new friends. Those deep, soul wrenching, heart to heart friends. Of course I still have most of the friends I had before, but these one or two people made me shine light in myself where I had been casting shadows out of fear. You see, Country Boy and I... we didn't work out. So much control, so much fear, so many nights spent feeling alone with a warm body laying next to me. Eventually I just started sleeping in another room. I couldn't do it anymore. And I tried. Lord heal my hurting heart, I did try. We had a plan, we were putting forth effort. But I just reached this place... I was completely indifferent. It honestly almost sent me into a panic attack. Like that moment of indifference threatened to overwhelm my heart and soul with so many emotions I couldn't even breathe. So I decided it was over. Right then and there. It's like, I started opening all of these doors and exploring my own heart and things went haywire. I started voicing my needs and wants and we just couldn't bear. So now here I am. I hear he's doing well, and for that I'm grateful. Since then things have been so hectic I haven't really had any time for myself. It's constantly go go go when I need to stop stop stop. I can't though. I'm a mom with two beautiful babies and a group of wonderfully loyal and amazing friends. Still, this is why I find myself sitting in a bath tonight. Not only am I sick, but I'm also just plain worn out. I've found it difficult to write recently because I haven't had the time to sit down and delve into that deeper level. I need to start making time though. Seriously. Before this life overwhelms me and stifles the parts of me that are still new and fresh to the world, those parts that almost got destroyed again. I've been living a life of routine and I need to remember to take those moments offered for peace and clarity and a soul deep appreciate for the blessings in my life. I feel like I'm rambling at this point and my concentration was totally just broken... I seriously just need some time to breathe and feel in the most raw of manners. I think I may do that soon. Just take some time to run away for me. Walk through a park or something. Clear the air and release the pent up emotions in me. There aren't many here I can honestly talk to on that raw level.
Anywho, I guess I covered two in one there? The rest will have to wait till later because I'm not ready to share. I hate that I've become this again. I hate that I've spent so long in my relationship hiding things that I now hide them from myself and others again. I had become so free and raw and real. But. This shell of a woman is rising again, one raw moment at a time. Never again will I fall "victim" to the type of control that has a hold on your very thoughts. It wasn't even intentional I don't think. I just know that the intensity and anguish were real and raw and they hurt, but they were hidden. I wasn't too become that real raw beauty again. I need that in myself. I need that feeling in myself. Trust. Reality. Raw. Beauty in happiness and misery. Those raw real moments. Those are what I live for, and I forgot how to release them myself.