Love

Here's the funny thing about love y'all. It's unconditional. Never ending. It doesn't just go away or disappear. No, love isn't like that. Once it's given, returned or not, it can't be taken back. And sometimes that's confusing as Hell. See, even if someone has hurt you really bad, if you truly loved them you always will. I guess this is where Bob Marley comes into play. "You just have to find the one with suffering for."

Sneezes and Sniffles!

I spent three hours on my Moms roof hanging Christmas lights and now I'm sneezing like crazy! Well worth the smile on her face though!

There is no Arizona...

He came back y'all. To tell me he was sorry. And I screamed at him for hours. Then suddenly we're talking again and it's all so confusing. I have an amazing man by my side, but there I sat, tears running down my face and willing to give it all up for him. Will this ever end? I will love him forever. And that night...that night he said those words I've so longed to hear...but then he was gone again. I'm pretty sure this time it's forever. Part of me says to move on, but I can't without closure. He was my soulmate. He is the man I well love forever. Yet he refuses to be by my side. Why you ask? Fear. But I guess his fear was greater than mine. I've faced mine once and I survived. I guess now it's time to survive again. Have you all ever listened to the song "Jar of Hearts"? That's where I was. And now I'm reduced to this again...

So...

I cleaned. My entire house. For six hours. I guess I was hoping for relief, and I somewhat received that...for those of you that don't know, I have a minor case of OCD. At least that's what I've been diagnosed with. I just think I'm particular. Which isn't really all that bad. So what if I have different sets of acceptable numbers for different things? It's not terrible to have to make lists of everything, right? At least then my thoughts are on paper and not in my head. And it's just organized to have list formats for all the different list... Is it so bad that I want a sparkly house? It doesn't stay that way, but on nights like tonight I can't deal with the creepy crawly feeling on the inside because everything is not in its place. Yes, it's kind of a pain to have to have everything in a precise (down to the inch) location, but at least I always know where everything is. And now after hours of scrubbing and organizing and wiping everything down I feel a sense of relief. A contentment with the world. Each thing in this house feels like it's connected to a part of my mind, and if the house is it of order I can't be expected to properly function. Then how do I sorry out the thoughts in my head? That's honestly why I haven't posted in a while. It's been too much. Too many happenings, too many conversations. Thoughts just everywhere. In circles, around three bend, over yonder and lost in the woods. But now. Now my house is clean and I think we should begin.

Who are you, when you're walking through the door?
Who are you, when you face this world alone?
Who are you when the tears start to flow?

Feel like you can't take anymore...
Let the darkness fill you in...
Showing emotions you can't hide...

The weight of the world is on your shoulders
Sights and sounds go all around
Thoughts are overflowing from your eyes

(Don't hide from me, can't you see
I know who you really are
Through the years, face your fears
I believe in you
All those times, all those rhymes
We made precious memories
Music flew and our love grew
I belong to you
Baby, I'll be there...)

What happens when the world stops turnin?
What happens when you can't stop yearning?
What happens when you're far from what you need?

Held hand for reassurance...
Search for a miracle occurring...
Have faith and hold on to me...

Feel your own heart there barely burnin
You never know what could come true
Every journey has it's ups and downs

()

When will you see how much you mean to me?
When will you resolve this controversy?
When will you see you're killing me?

Every day these feelings grow...
I'm caught up in love and misery...
Please don't be the death of me...

How you can't see, I'll never know
This feels like a game, a battlefield
I'm losing this battle, so plain to see

(x2)
Baby just let me be there for you...

Ahh!!!

I'm so exhausted...I just want to feel like myself again. Recently it's like I'm awake for a few hours and then I'm just down-right exhausted. I don't understand. I woke up this morning after seven hours of sleep: got a shower, made breakfast and if I closed my eyes right now I would pass out completely. Top that off with feeling like my son hates me. He refuses to listen, screams at me when I make him listen, and constantly says "I just want to go to my Dad's". I mean; someone please tell me what I have done so wrong to make my child not even like me? Add fighting with my best friend bc nobody ever cleans the house; me spazzing bc I'm so OCD and literally can't deal with a dirty house. I feel like someone completely different. Sarah-land is dark and I don't like it at all. Someone help me!

Actually.

Let me just copy and paste two messages sent to a friend. Y'all remember that man I called love? This is where I am:

You know the first emotion I felt when I saw his name? Joy. And then the fear and anger. I remember seeing him for the first time at the Doba. And then meeting him while hanging out with Wendy. Not a day went by that he didn't cross my mind. And then when I called on my "birthday" celebration and he answered I was in shock. I should have known better from the start Tank...and here I am; knowing. Knowing. I shouldn't have this hope in my heart. I'm with a man that treats me like a princess. I don't want to go back to that. I would always be afraid he'd disappear again. Not like he actually cares. A man that cares doesn't walk away without a second thought for almost a year.
And this is all crazy to me. Because at that point I didn't even know him. I didn't even know him. But I met him that night at the bar hanging out with Wendy. I looked in his eyes and just knew. Right then and there. And look where that got me. Years later and I'm still a wreck over him from a message. I knew who it was but made him tell me. Then I screamed at him for almost an hour and now I'm sitting here exactly where I originally fell apart. I'm ridiculous. And crazy. And I need him out of my heart bc I was never in his...

I'm back.

Honestly I've been back for a while but I haven't had time to post. See, I didn't make the full two weeks in California. I flew back home. The whole trip wasn't a complete disaster, but enough of it was to bring me to the brink of insanity. My Grams was so hateful; the entire time. Nothing I did was good enough, everything I said was wrong. She even at one point told me I'm a horrible person. Told me I'm a bad Mom. Told me I do nothing for her; though the whole trip I'm the one that helped her shower, get dressed, clean up after an accident, wash her hands before dinner, push her wheelchair where ever she wanted to go, the list goes on. It ended with me getting so angry and frustrated I started walking down a desert highway in a sundress and boots. I almost lost it. So I sat down with her and opened up my heart and tried explaining to her how I was feeling and the way she was acting. Instead of seeing that vulnerability and talking to me she shut me out and told me it was all my imagination. So I came home before I lost all the good I've been trying to build in my heart. She refused to let us drive her home so my uncle is actually flying out today to drive her home. I hope the rest of her trip has been pleasant without my "imagination".
So; since I have been home a lot has happened. I don't feel like going into most of it because quite frankly it's none of my business. And the rest I honestly don't feel like going into because I'm not ready to. For now though; I am home. I am regaining strength. I am living each moment to it's fullest and that is all I can do.

My dearest friends...

I have been holding out on you all recently. Sooo much is happening; there's so much to tell...so; we'll do this list style ;)

1) I have renewed my vow to start updating more often. I've been breezing through life and not sharing; it's quite selfish and I've been cheating myself out of the opportunity to breathe.

2) in less than 36 hours I will be on my way to California. I will upload as many pictures to Instagram (Srstri91) as possible to share this journey with you all. Most would be excited for this trip; and I am to a degree. I will share that part in a moment though.
I have many many concerns about this trip. First and foremost is my Grandmother. As you all from my previous blog know; her health is not the best. But she wants this trip more than anything. So I'm taking her. It involves a setback financially, two weeks and two days away from home (without my baby boy), a strict timeline for dialysis sake (across the COUNTRY!), long car rides with none other than Country Boy (oh we'll explore that one in a moment), I'm sure there will be "accidents" to clean up, lots of packing (she has a purse-like thing specifically for all of her medicines), family I haven't seen in years or have never met; and our final destination is one of my favorite uncles who is dying of cancer...
Oh yes, this is a trip and a half. I worry about something happening to her while we're on the road: what will we do, where will we go, am I able to handle that kind of trauma, the list of insecurities goes on. I don't know how I will make it so long without my baby boy. He is after all my reason for living. He's my light every day. I have taken several videos over the past few days trying to capture moments to ease that kind of pain. Several friends/relatives have also downloaded an app for video chatting. The strict schedule I'm not so worried about;it's more of what to do during the four hours she's in dialysis and we're halfway/all-the-way across the country. No kitchens to clean or kickball to play there. And Country Boy; invited with no regard to my thoughts/emotions on the matter. This is not healthy for his growth and healing. I pray that he doesn't get negatively impacted by this trip; though I already know I will have to sift through the guilt when he is. He knows it was not my idea for him to go, he knows this trip is not about me or him or what used to be an us. It is about her. It is about some of her last wishes which I REFUSE to deny her. He will still get mixed emotions and nothing I do or say will help ease those...then there is my uncle. I've always been a princess to him; always been a golden girl in his eye. I love him unconditionally and don't know how hard it will be to see him in his current state. I have missed him terribly though and will cherish his company.
Now to the good parts...the scenery is breathtaking. So far we are going to see an old western town, the St Louis Arch, the Grand Canyon, the worlds largest Mcdonalds, the Cadellac Graveyard, and Albequerque in New Mexico (one of my favorite places on the planet). The desert has long been one of my favorite places on earth and we will be spending a lot of time there. I'm ecstatic to see the colors of the sun washing over the red rock and it's rivers of shiny minerals passing through it. The cacti standing so proud, the heat wavering up from the ground in shimmer disillusion. I can't wait to bask in the warmth of the sun while calling out to nature as it echoes through the Grand Canyon. Seeing a legit old western town excites the country girl in me and being back in Boron, California will transport me to childhood where a simple piece of Borax was so magical and amazing. Riding into the sunset over sand dunes to have a desert bonfire as the sand loses warmth is an old past-time and to think I will be so close to the brother and sister I've never met...we will pass through every emotion and type of landscape you could imagine and each one is breathtakingly beautiful in it's own unique way.

3) B. Oh he's magical...a prince charming and ever so naturally. He accepts me as I am and loves me no matter the mood or state I am in. The days that are hard for me he gives extra support; the days that are easier flow with laughter from his silly jokes. Seeing him interact with my baby brings a whole new level to the table. Already he is teaching him respect and manners; mostly by example. Opening doors and helping clean after dinner, showing healthy affection and being a gentleman. We all play kickball and build houses from Lincoln Logs, he knows every word to Spiderman (without complaint). Our first night spent together was a bonfire and then laying in the bed of his truck talking while watching the stars. We danced under those stars and he sung country songs to me. I didn't sing to him that night but a few nights later I was singing when he arrived. I've never felt more empowered in my voice (y'all know a pen and paper is easier for me) than I did when I saw the genuine surprise and joy on his face. The way he holds me says he never wants to let go and the little things he does are so wonderful. He keeps saying "I don't understand; I just do what I've always done". Roses at work, home-made lunch, sweet notes left for me to read. It's more than that though. Real hugs, passionate kisses, truth in his eyes, no secrets. We have both bared it all and through that vulnerability and nakedness we have seen something in the other that is incomparable. It's like our souls have intertwined. I literally ache when he is not near (which is why I have not slept tonight). I had always dreamed of a love like this. People told me for years that it was just silly fantasies my Daddy had put in my head. Then one night he said "you are my princess; and you deserve everything you think is so special in me because I see that and more in you". My Daddy once said I would find my Raja(Bangladesh language for prince) and that I shouldn't stop searching until I knew because I was his Rani(princess). I cried when B said those words to me. And he wiped away every tear while holding me. See; Daddy's birthday is the same day I leave. That brings us to

3) I miss my Daddy. Another year with an un-eaten cake. Another year with memories and occasional angel-fingers filtering through the window. Old songs on the radio reminding my heart that Daddy is there. I know that one day I will see him again and when that day comes every scar will disappear. That is my belief, my Faith, and the power of love from a forgiving God. My Daddy instilled that Faith in me and though it's been tested and sometimes forgotten over the years I have regained that Faith and hold to it fiercely. It's one of the few things I have left from my Daddy. His birthday will be spent driving this year; but I know the piece of him in me will enjoy the scenery.

4) Boo. We have come to terms with the fact that we are no longer best friends. We had a huge blowout because of a difference in life choices. We didn't speak for a couple of months and when we did the other ay it was as if we were walking on eggshells. There have been moments I have deeply missed her; but I think getting everything out in the open will benefit us both in the long run. We now have an opportunity to forge a new relationship instead of trying so desperately to cling to that "best friend" status quo.

With all of this I must try to catch a nap before a busy day. Doctor for Grams, work, then loading the car for our trip. One last night with B before our two week separation (can you say anxiety attack), dialysis while I finish the preparations and then we are California bound. Love you all and sweet dreams! Also; share my blows if you will: they're intended to reach people!

Ohmylanta

Y'all life is crazy! I feel all jittery inside so I'm pausing to post and clear my head. I don't have much time though. B is still a dream come true; there's a family picnic tonight, I have to drive to Bardstown, I work at 12, I need a shower!, we leave for California in less than a week, I need sleep! Oh this wonderful journey through life! Have a blessed day!

You guys...

I'm in love...God, it's a magical feeling. A miracle. I'm scared because he's so wonderful. Like one day I'm gonna wake up and realize this life of mine is a dream...I never knew living could be this damn amazing...and it's not just him. It's everything...me and Momma grow closer by the day, I have an amazing three year old, the best friends a girl could ask for. The mudpit/swimming hole are five minutes down the road. I enjoy my work. I'm about to take a two week vacation to California with my Grandma. I mean...when you stop focusing on the negative; the positive becomes so overwhelmingly sweet it will literally knock you off your feet. Straight to your knees praying to God it lasts forever; thank Him for all He's ever helped you through. And you know in that one moment that every single thing from the past lead up to this; this miracle of life. Living to the fullest; laughing like there's no tomorrow; loving every little precious moment. I can't even describe in words to you all how amazing this joy of life is. Just do me a favor. Today/tonight take a moment. Look up at the sun or the moon; revel in their beauty. Notice the way the wind moves ever so gracefully; and the clouds float in the breeze. The stars twinkle with untold secrets and amazing delight. Spend a moment feeling the way Mother Nature caresses the earth; like a child just from the womb. Take a moment to breathe in the sweetness filling the air. When you breathe out exhale all that stress; the fear; any doubts. Let them out into the universe to be recycled and brought back to you in a new light; with gentle love and joy for your heart. And in that moment; if you do this; remember that life is amazing. It's a journey through time, with highs and lows; but ALWAYS ALWAYS full of love and laughter. ALWAYS full of miracles.

It's been a while.

A friend told me "post already". Tonight; I think; is the perfect night for such a thing. My beloved Bread left me; or I left him. I'm not really quite sure. The issues we had been having are actually why I haven't posted in a while. That's still a tender spot though so lets get into some positive :) oh Hell; you all know we're gonna delve into that some. Tehe :)
During the past few weeks I've learned so much more about myself. My life has taken some major twists and turns. So I guess we'll start from the downfall of the new job? I despised it. The expectations they set were nothing like the real deal. Not at all. The training wasn't sufficient; and I have never EVER felt as inadequate as I did at that job. I mean; it made me feel terrible. Absolutely horrible for my self confidence. On top of that the stress was eating me alive! My blood pressure was so high I was shaking constantly; my sides were itching (I've had shingles before), I wasn't sleeping. Just bad. Plain old bad. So then the plumbing went haywire at the house and I had to call in a couple of days to be here with the plumbers. And magically the itching stopped; I wasn't shaking anymore. I even got a full nights rest. It was then that we made a family decision for me not to go back.
About a week later I got hired on at Tractor Supply. I love it. Absolutely positively love my job. The people are awesome, I enjoy my work. I feel like I don't even work; it's amazing. And I've had more time with my son. We go muddin/swimmin a lot. We have a lot of nights around the bonfire. And then there's my whole group of friends. We laugh, eat, cry, play, and LIVE like there's no tomorrow. B makes me feel like a princess. He says he'll make me forget my heart was ever broken but only time will tell. Fish got a four wheeler and we've all had a blast on it. Oh yea; I "hired" a new best friend. We're gonna call her Zombie. See; Boo likes drugs. And I don't. I'm all for accepting people, but I can't be around someone into that lifestyle. So when Boo text me while on acid I knew something needed to change. So, talking to Zombie I jokingly said I was gonna put out an app for a new best friend. She applied and I accepted. She's the best best friend I've ever had. Anytime she gives me advice she gives me both sides of the picture,she tells me what she thinks is best instead of what she thinks I want to hear. And even if she doesn't agree with my decisions she will stand by me. There is no judgement between us; just unconditional love. It hurts when you decide to shut a door that's been open for years; but I have to say that I think it opened many more. And while I miss my log time best friend, Zombie is a much better friend to me.
Hmmm...what else has happened? Ooh! Let me tell y'all about my first date with B. We sat around a bonfire for quite a while and then we chilled in the bed of his truck for quite a while. Until the sun came up really. We danced under the stars and talked about life; made memories that will last a lifetime. I've never felt more comfortable being myself with someone. It's like a country song...funny, eh? I wanted something like that ;) and yea my guard is up. But lets be honest here; this man has already won me over. Every word he says, every action he takes...it shows me that he's real. And his whole dang family is like that! They say you're a product of your environment. If that's true I think I'm in Heaven.
Anywho; I'm so tired y'all...basically, I'm back to my roots and enjoying every moment of life. I've never been happier and happiness has never lasted this long. I'm so excited to see where life in general goes from here! Keep living, keep loving, and dance with the wind in the trees :)

In awe.

Have you ever had a best friend turned boyfriend? I have. It's so weird, in a good way. I thought I knew him so well. Yet I learn more every day. I am blessed enough to see a side of him that he doesn't show many people. He's my happy man. Carefree, stress free, happy. And putting on a mask for the rest of the world. He has allowed me the privilege of seeing him hurt and vulnerable. And it has made me love him that much more. I know, especially after tonight, that I can lean on him for support. He is finally allowing me to be there the same way for him. In general he makes me want to be a better woman. I feel like I don't deserve such an incredible man. I've hurt so many people in my past. I never want to hurt him; and I am terrified of karma. I want to put the biggest smile on his face. Every. Single. Day. I'm not madly in love, I'm still thinking clearly and I have my head on straight. I just, for once, have someone that makes me believe I am wonderful. He supports me in anything I do, holds me when I am weak, and laughs with me when I am strong. What more could a woman ask for? I want to grow with him, laugh with him, dance with him, match him tear for tear, protect him when the world is cruel, inspire him to follow his dreams, and be the best woman I can be for him. A lot of people don't understand our relationship, but they don't see us behind closed doors. Out in the world we're just two people having fun. Behind closed doors we live in our own little world where the pain hurts less and the laughter cures more. I feel this love grow inch by inch, every day just a little more. I'm praying it never stops growing.

Well then...

Let's get straight to the heart of things. I have been on an emotional roller coaster recently. Ups and downs and all arounds. I've been fighting a down phase and it definitely hit its lowest point today. Spent hours cleaning my grandma part of the house, sinus headache, back hurting, only full day I had with Anakin, just a bad mood in general. The first words I heard from my son this mornin were "I want to go to my Dad's". You have no idea how bad that tears me apart. See, Saturday was my birthday. All day I waited for Anakin to call or something. He never did. His Dad forgot it was my birthday...so I cried of course. Now some would say "why didn't you just call him". I try not to invade his time with his Dad. Yet when he's with me I try to keep his Dad updated. If he does something I'm really proud of I'll tell him. If we get a super cute picture of him I send it. If he's being a heathen I let him know. If he misses his Dad we call. Now we don't blow up his phone the whole time he's with me; just little updates here and there to keep Dad informed and incorporated into his daily life. But when he's at Dad's? It's like I don't even exist...not a single call (even on my birthday), no little updates, nothing. And it hurts. So when my birthday came and went with no call, my Mom ended up saying something to him. Of course at that time Anakin was already half asleep and wanted nothing to do with telling Mommy hello. I broke down in tears at that point, trying to explain to his Dad exactly why I was upset. Of course he didn't get it, but it felt good to finally let it out. Next was my day with Bread. I've received my new schedule (for after training) and will no longer be off on our Sundays. So I've planned to enjoy them as much as possible while we still have them. Then I slept all day. Neither of us were feeling well...then we watched Burn Notice (LOVE that show) until I left to pick up my little big man. Today he was going to come see us and ended up being busy all day. I had already had such a shitty day and it was like the icing on the cake. But; he actually made me talk it out and I felt loads better afterwards. A hot bath, some food and a little medicine later I feel a hundred times better. Me and Mom have stopped arguing, me and Bread still really like each other and Anakin is asleep before midnight. Tomorrow begins my second week of work and I'm excited to see what it brings. For now I'm going to get some sleep though. Sweet dreams (and sweeter days)!!!

Oh, hi!

Crazy busy over here! We have out of town company tonight, a quilt to finish, and dinner to make. I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I should be on later to give a full update! Feeling much better emotionally and fighting this dang down phase. The positive flowing through is sooo worth it!

Frustration.

First, I love my new job.
Second, I almost...no, I do feel guilty for taking it. The schedule I have leaves me barely any time with Anakin and also means I am not here to take care of Grams (while in training). It makes me mad. I'm 22 (as of tomorrow). Why do I have these kinds of responsibilities? I have put my whole life on hold to stay here and help take care of her. I make a step in a good direction for me and my son then feel guilty about it. I knew that taking on a full time (non-server) job would effect my time with Anakin. But I already have so little time with him I didn't realize how much it would hurt me. I chose 2nd shift instead of first so I can be here with Grams more when I get out of training. But I already know that it means probably no time with my beloved Bread and less time with my son. I hate this. I feel guilty for feeling this way. But if I wasn't...I can't think of the right word. If this responsibility of taking care of my Grams wasn't on my shoulders, I would have more flexibility with my time. I could choose whatever off days and plan my time with Anakin and Bread around those off days. Instead I have to choose my schedule based on when I'm needed here. It's frustrating. How long will my life be on hold because of family obligations? Now don't get me wrong. I love my Grams and am very blessed to have this time with her. I just feel trapped some days. Like leaving would be abandoning her and Ma (which I couldn't do). Yet staying is killing me. Some days (like today) I just don't know what to do anymore...

First day.

So it's my first day at the new job. I hate that I'm so timid around new people (as I'm "hiding" in my blog on lunch). For those of you that have met me personally you know how shy I am when first meeting new people. So meeting a whole class at once? Terrifying to me. Once I get to know people it's much easier for me to "let out" my generally bubbly personality. It's just hard for me to break that ice in the first place. I know that my comfort zone is my own worst enemy. This is my mantra for the day. I MUST get out of my comfort zone!!!

The picture says it all today :-)

Oh you know; it's just life.

What a whirlwind of a weekend!!! I spent Friday with my dearest "Bread". We slept in (of course) and then spent the day together doing all sorts of stuff. Stopped by a few stores (he apparently found this super rare movie and was super excited). Afterwards we went to his best friends house (who I had not met) and let me tell you; it was WONDERFUL! They have a little girl that is absolutely adorable and three puppies that are totally cute! We feasted on great food that I'm gonna take a moment to explain. There was fresh from the stalk broccoli with a homemade cheese sauce; savory pork chops lightly battered with flour, pepper and salt then fried in butter; potatoes that were roasted with seasoned salt/pepper/garlic; and corn on the cob (slathered in butter of course). Absolutely delicious. Afterwards we watched the movie mentioned before and had adult conversation. As a single mother that is quite unique you have no idea how uplifting and inspiring it is to meet women you can relate to. She's not a single Mom, and her husband is quite nice, but her as a person made the entire night that much more of a great time! I have very few female friends in my life and I'm very grateful for any real/genuine women I meet. It's always a joy to connect, share stories and learn new things! After dinner we had some delicious ice cream cones. I ended up sharing mine with their little girl. She really didn't even have to ask; she just looked at me all adorable like. I'm such a pushover when it comes to children other than my own. :-)
The following day I went with Sissy to our family's Fourth of July celebration. The whole way there my Zellie was texting me asking what I was doing. He lead me to believe he was at home with his girlyfriend since she's nine months preggers. Oh no. He was the first person I saw when we arrived. Needless to say; I punched him before hugging him and crying. It had been far far too long since seeing my favorite cousin. Me and Sissy mingled for a bit then kind of felt awkward. See; at any family event you see these little cliques. These kids belong to those and these siblings are really close and etc etc. Well, mine and Sissy's clique wasn't there. It was just the two of us (and Dad after the cornhole tournament). So it was kind of awkward for the two of us. Now; I'm not saying the family shunned us or anything. Everyone was delighted we had made it out. It just so happens as the day passes that the little cliques drift into their own little worlds (not hatefully by any means) and those that don't have a mass group of their immediately family get left feeling a little outsiderish. All in all though, it was a great time. We missed the fireworks because I had to come home and make sure Grams had everything she needed for bed.
Then; I went to see Bread again. :) it's crazy how much you realize you've missed someone when you go a while without seeing them. Our first day together after everything happened was a little awkward. We had to talk a bit and reconnect. Then, our second time together was much better. We stayed up way later than we should have but we were having so much fun we didn't realize how late it was. It's odd how fast time flies when you truly enjoy someone's company. This afternoon I met my sister for a bit and might I say; her daughter is too cute for words. I'm her See-rah. I absolutely adore her which is how she got me to climb through a McDonald's Playplace. Up the little step things, through the tunnels and down the slide. It's a wonder I didn't keel over from exhaustion then! So worth it though to see the smile on her face. See; I haven't been around much since she was born. A lot my fault; a little my sisters. We actually had a huge argument about it a few weeks ago. I think things are looking up though. And now that I'm starting a job in Bardstown (Tuesday!!!) I'll be able to see them more. It brings a lot of joy to my life because my Sissy was a very big role in keeping me sane throughout my childhood. We have always been close and she is one of my role models. Words can't express how important her family (my family) is to me and I'm glad to have them in my life again. With both of us making an effort we are starting to reconnect.
Anywho, after that I went back to Bread's and we made dinner. Now; this is a pretty big deal. He's never really cooked before and I love cooking. I actually usually don't let people in "my kitchen" when I'm cooking. But we worked really well together. He grilled our steak (dry rub: random spices) to a perfect medium. Warm pink middle, marbled steaks so they were tender and juicy and full of flavor. We opted out of vegetables for the evening :) The potatoes were mashed (LOTS OF BUTTAHHHH) with a hint of garlic. The mac-n-cheese was made with penne noodles and a blend of monteray jack/cheddar. We both thoroughly enjoyed it and it was our first meal made together. Cute enough to make others sick :)
After dinner I headed to pick up the most amazing, wonderful, adorable, smart and funny kid in the world! I was very excited to see my Anakin after such a long, though good, weekend. We stopped in to see a friend for her birthday. It was rather awkward because Country Boy was there. I debated for quite a while on whether I should go or not, for his sake. In the end I went (after several calls) and it wasn't all that bad, though there was that underlying awkwardness. All in all it wasn't a bad experience; I just hope he's doing alright.
We left there and stopped in to drop of some clothes to a friend of mine. Her grandson is a size below Anakin so I give them the clothes he doesn't fit anymore. I get a lot of clothes handed down to me for Anakin and I'm very grateful I can pass them along to others as well. It's gratifying to be able to help; and being a single Mom I know how much it's appreciated. Kid clothes are expensive! It was already pretty late at that point but we stayed a while anyways. It was good to catch up with her and to see the guys. It's crazy how much they've grown! I remember being their age and them harassing us all the time. Now they're all grown and I must say I'm very proud of them all. My brotha-from-anotha-motha was leaving for work as I got there. He's a little older than I am and actually works with my best friend now, hardy har har. We'll call him Bfam.
Sidenote: funny story here. Remember me telling you all I went to Juvi? Well, my FIRST court date, I'm walking through and there Bfam is! He had apparently gotten arrested for beating up a guy that hit is gf (who was preggers). So, we say hi. Well, they call my last name and I go out into the court room. But guess who's out there? His Mom!!! So here I am flipping out "OMG OMG OMG she's gonna kill me". Well it turns out, they called Bfam and just thought it was me since we had the same last name and first initial!!! It was too much! (I laugh now, I almost peed myself then)
Well now; where were we? Oh yes! So I stopped by to drop off clothes to them and catch up while my Anakin made a new friend. Then it got wayyy late so now here I am at home! Walked in and one of my delightful little nephews is here (already asleep of course). Now my little big man is asleep and I'm excited to spend time with both of them tomorrow! Sweet dreams world! P.S. If you want to see pictures of the gorgeous trip to Rineyville, or my life in general, my "picture story" is on Instagram: Srstri91.

Mornin' America

Wherever you are reading this, it's 11am here. I slept in :-) a full ten hours of sleep and I'm still tired, lol. Anywho; it's Fourth of July! This was one of my Daddy's favorite holidays (besides Memorial Day). We always got the whole family together and had our own little show. You know, he sacrificed a lot for this country. His life in the end. During the war he was a mechanic working on the airplanes. Back then they used fuels and chemicals that weren't safe, but didn't have masks to keep their oxygen clean. We believe that is what caused the lung cancer. Through it all he made sure he showed his love for our country and most importantly (to me) the people serving our country. So many people these days have turned their backs on the men and women that support and serve our country because they don't believe in the wars we've been fighting recently. I will never be able to do that though. These men and women sacrifice a lot to keep us free. In my eyes; our political views should never replace our love for the people that keep us free. Without them we wouldn't have the freedom to not only have those views but to express them as well. So this day, for my little family, is about expressing love. Rejoicing in our freedom and showing this country how blessed we are to live here. We have so much every day that we take for granted; that those in other countries are not able to have. We can choose our jobs, doctors, dreams, how many children we want. We have the freedom to start our own businesses, go wherever we want whenever we want. If we don't like a job? We can change it. If we don't like where our life is going? We can start over. We, as the people, often get caught up in the intricacies of daily life and forget how blessed we truly are. So today as you go about your daily chores and prepare for the celebrations this evening; notice all of the little things you do every day. While you're at the store getting groceries; you aren't in line waiting for portioned food. You can get as much as you want instead of your government deciding how much you deserve. While you're setting up decorations remember that you have the right to celebrate. As you hug and kiss your family and friends; remember that you've had the right to grow as big of a family as you want. Others don't. It's those simple little things we don't even notice anymore. THAT is that our servicemen/women fight for. Even now, as many of them aren't able to be home with their families because they're out there serving us. Light a candle for those that gave up their lives for us. Say a prayer (or a silent thank you for those not spiritual) to the men and women out there serving us as you read this.

Oh Wow!

This day has been so wonderful! I am ABSOLUTELY exhausted! Woke up around 8, made breakfast (and we had plenty of bacon!). Lovely Abbie spent the day with us :-) we played inside until it was time for Grams to go to dialysis. After a very unexpectedly easy nap time we played outside. Exploring the "forest" which is really the yard. We made necklaces from flowers, saw "monkeys" swinging in the willow trees, followed a bumblebee through the field, saw "monsters in the marsh" (filled in pond), swung in the sunshine and enjoyed the breeze. It was such a wonderful relaxing day. There really are no words to explain the feelings of the day. It was graceful, light, free, flowing. The way the breeze wove through the branches of the willows and the bees went about their daily work without a care. It was as if the three of us just blended in with the nature. The day flowed so freely it was over too soon!

Another here I am...

It's been a while since I've done this; but the songs on the radio won't stop ringing in my ears.

So here I am listening to this song; it reminds me of you. Here I am patiently waiting for you to pull me near. Here I am worried. Here I am with memories on display. Here I am trying not to think; that's why this house is so clean. Here I am learning to wait; hoping I didn't lose you because of my mistakes. Here I am dancing to our favorite song; your hoodie and my underwear. Here I am scrubbing, organizing, sweep here, wipe down that over there. Here I am breathing. Take it slow Sarah; you may never know. Keep it positive Sarah; losing hope is what got you here. So here I am, lost in thought, taking it all in. Here I am believing. The stars are shining bright, sky a pretty purple/blue. There's that song on the radio. Here I am swaying to the beat. The words flowing so deep; finding their way to my heart. Here I am; knowing I will be okay either way. Fill me with pain; it will replace the fear. Fill me with hope; I want to hold you my dear. Moving through time, gaining strength with each beat. Here I am believing. Not in you, not in me; in this place there is no fear. Floating away in a dream but baby you're still there. Here I go; change the tune. Lift my spirits, I will not float to you. Here I am holding on to my dream, I feel at peace there. Here I am after speaking to you. Yes, I let you interrupt my thoughts. Here I am knowing you don't know how big I smiled when you called me baby :-)

On that note. I'm goin to sleep! Sweet dreams universe!

Hey hey! (wiggly eyebrow thing)

Today. Has been exhausting! Didn't sleep much last night, got up for my interview, became employed, took Grams and a cranky Anakin to the store and dinner. I have barely been home all day and have been going non-stop! Sent Bread a message yesterday explaining EVERYTHING so he has time to think it all over before we talk (hindsight really IS 20/20). Got to actually hear his voice today for the first time in what seems like forever but really has only been a week. I'm am trying my hardest not to stress there. Whatever he decides I will be okay with; my decisions got us here. Had a friend unexpectedly help me out financially (I was in the negative and getting nowhere but deeper). Got my schedule worked out for work, childcare taken care of, a plan in place. It's time to get back up on my feet :-) other than that, Grams is crazy. Thought she could get a full badminton set for under five dollars. Sorry crazy lady; not even at Walmart. Dinner went well and turned out to be kids night (hooray pictures for the fridge :)
It's been a busy busy day; which is good for me. I enjoyed the sunshine while it was here, and the rain while it washed the earth clean. Ate entirely too much at dinner (yumyum) and now I would LOVE a nap. I wouldn't sleep tonight though so I'm going to stay up and finish laundry, do the dishes and clean up the apartment. Yep, definitely a crazy busy day. Goodnight all, and remember to wish on every star ;)

Day by day.

They say when a butterfly lands near it is a sign of hope. And as I swing today I am praying it is true. See, less than a week ago I made a huge mistake. It hurt a lot of people, including me. Yes, my mistakes may have cost me dearly. For my followers; you all know the history of the one I call "love". You all were there through that whole ordeal. And the "demise" of me and Country Boy. Two different stories but both very important to this one. Well, as you all know, me and Country Boy remained friends. Which really means we never truly let the other go.
So, there's the back story. Now, back in September I met a friend. I'm gonna call him Bread. He quickly became a wonderful friend. Someone I could laugh with, talk with and have an all around good time. Well. We started "talking" once but I felt as if he just wanted a friends with benefits type thing so I called it off. Started dating crazy (that's a story for another day...) and he was excited about a girl he used to know coming home. Well, crazy went crazy. The girl came home and didn't want to be with him. With us, one thing led to another. There we were, in a relationship. He made me smile constantly, was always uplifting, just in general wonderful. I did my thing, he did his and then we did our own thing together. It was the way things are supposed to be. I missed him when he wasn't around, and he missed me. Well, went out with Country Boy and his Mom to a bar. Guess who we ran into? Yep...that man I called "love" (we're changing his name to TP from here on out). In that nano second my whole world flipped upside down again. Here I thought I was over it, and in an instant I was ripped open again. Like whiplash. Over the course of the next few days I was trying to right my universe. Looking back, I should have just waited a little more. Silly me just jumped right in. Thinking over everything I decided I had to leave Bread (after all he made me feel wonderful similar to how TP once did. Couldn't deal with another heartbreak). I went back to Country Boy and was ready to settle forever. But there's that word. Settle. Give up my dream of being in love forever, give up a part of me. Leaving Bread made me have that realization. By then it was too late though. The decisions had been made, everything was in motion. I was miserable. No energy, crying all the time, completely distraught. Was I really willing to give up my dream for the promise of a comfortable forever? It was an intense week. Thinking I could make it work, wondering if it wouldn't, trying so hard to give up a part of my heart. Missing Bread as well; my lover and best friend. So yesterday I ended things with Country Boy. Permanently. And I know his hurt; I've felt it before (thanks TP). I, however, chose not to just disappear. I faced Country Boy, listened to him for a while, and when my own heart couldn't take anymore I asked him to walk out the door. He made a promise the first time that he would never walk out the door, but I broke it for him. I am hoping that with that freedom, time and good people in his life; he can move forward. It is not that he is not enough for me. I am not enough for him. I want something different from my life and he deserves someone that has more to offer.
Now on to the subject matter: day by day. I have asked Bread if we can sit down and talk. I miss everything about him. First and foremost, he is my best friend. Past that, I have missed being in his arms. I miss how green his eyes are, or those rants that make me cry in laughter. I miss his singing. The way my hand fits in his. Those hugs that make me feel as if I'm floating on air. That laughter which always fills a room. And his incomparable knowledge of the media world. I even miss his cat. I know, I'm weird. And I'm crazy. But I'm crazy about him. I was so worried about forever that I failed to see what and WHO was right in front of me. So I've asked him for some time to breathe (for both of us) and then for us to sit down and talk later. I don't know what is going to happen from here. I know that I have learned some VERY valuable lessons that I will keep with me forever, whatever he decides. So for now, it is a new day. I am in love with my universe, and I will not worry about tomorrow or the next day or the future. I will live in the present, do my best and pray I can be a better woman tomorrow.

Well hello there!

Some of you know me from my previous blog, for those of you joining I say welcome. I guess I'm going to use this first post to tell you a little about me. Umm, I'm a single mom. Love my little boy with all my heart, he's 3. My name is Sarah, his is Anakin. Everyone else will have code names unless the person grants permission for their name to be used. Anakin's Dad (we're totally calling him Obi Wan Kanobe aka Raja; depending on the subject matter) is very much a part of his life and we still raise him together though we ourselves are separated. Past that, I am in love with the universe. I see magical mystical things everywhere. The way the sun kisses the earth goodnight or the trees dance with the wind like old lovers. The warmth of the sun on my face are some of my most cherished moments. I love nature and my beloved Bernheim Forest. This past week I almost made the biggest mistake of my life. I almost gave up my love for the universe. Nay, I almost gave up on being IN love with the universe. I live with my Mom and Grandma. Grams has been ill and we help her. Mom and I don't see each other often but we have been improving our mother-daughter relationship since moving in here. I will be 22 in July (13 days, woot woot!). My previous blog was about beginning a journey of self healing. I am still on that journey but have reached a new chapter, hence the fresh start. But we'll get into that later ;-)

For now! 22 things (or more) about Sarah, in order of happening by year:

Age 1: my brothers shoved me into walls as I was learning walk. And people wonder why I have such good balance!
Age 2: on MY BIRTHDAY I ran smack into a doorframe and busted my lip open. Hardcore. The mark is still there on the inside which is perfect when I chew my bottom lip, as I am now.
Age(you get it, right?) 3: I have no idea here. Though I have to say, if my son is anything like me I was Hell on wheels! Wouldn't have it any other way ;)
4: my legal father went to prison for sexually molesting two of my brothers. My first memory comes from this year. This is also the year I met the man I call my Daddy.
5: I taught myself how to read! I've always been book-smart but sometimes common sense eludes me.
6: I got my first bike! I was un-stoppable! Until I started moving. Then I was just terrified.
7: Meet Handy Dandy. You'll learn more about him later :) also, meet junior. He raped me almost every day this year. Between him and my brother I don't know who hurt me worse.
8: Meet Zellie. He's still part of my story and one of my heroes! (he's introduced in the previous blog)
9: so this year I decided I wasn't going to be terrified. I took off down the hill aka our driveway and...crashed. Into a ditch. Literally. Bike went one way, I went the other. Slid the rest of the way down the driveway. I apparently "meowed" instead of saying ow as my Mother picked rocks out of me.
10: I conquered that damn hill. And Daddy got real sick. He had cancer.
11: I learned so much that year! From the birds and the bees to the female menstruation cycle. My favorite shows were Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune because I watched them with my Daddy. I mastered the art of hiding emotional pain that year.
12: I met a boy. We'll call him Gill. Oh how wonderful, he was a thrill. Until Daddy left. And Bubba threw a fit at the mental hospital that day so we were ten minutes too late to say goodbye. That's the first time I ever went completely numb. These days they call it being in shock. Oh. And meet Step-Dad.
13: Whew what a year. Went to Disneyland with my best friend, first time I ever went skinny dipping. You should try it. It's like, cheating the system. You're totally nude but nobody can see you. Freedom!
14: I met a boy. His name in the previous blog is LP. He was my first true love. How romantic! (sidenote: if could do the eyebrow thing here I would. Can't even do it in real life though. Bahaha)
15: Bubba at it again ratted me out for not being a virgin anymore thinking it would get him out of trouble. Granted, I wasn't one to start with, but I had willingly made love to LP. I was banned from LP and my oldest sister (the one I'm closest to, go figure). Way to go big brother!
16: gots me a permit and a job! Bubba moved/got kicked out. Then I was the problem child...worked my butt off and my grades suffered, got my class ring and went prom dress shopping with my seester. I call her Sissy. I found out my legal father wasn't my biological father. Begin search for truth.
17: dun dun dun. Huge argument with Mom. Something I'm not proud of here, I smacked her (in my defense she back-handed me with her damn diamond rings). Got choke slammed to the bed by Step Dad. Had what they call a "mental breakdown". Pretty much I snapped. Told the cop to take me to jail (damn I'm stubborn). Juvi, halfway house, court, halfway house, more court. Ordered family therapy, no touch court-order and home I went. Immediately road trip to California because Great Grandma passed away, red eye flight back home because my other Great Grandma passed away. Blah, Blah, Blah you don't have enough credit hours to pass school (duh, I've been all over the country!). GED accomplished. Moved away from home. Oh. And I met a man.
18: two jobs at once, moved to Bardstown, got my license, new job, pass out. Bam. Bitch you pregnant. Say what?! Yes sir. Relationship? Yes. No. Yes, move to Louisville. Oh hey, Anakin is here!!! Thanks Raja ;-)
19: he was called love in my last blog. Ahh run, hide in current relationship. Raja: marry me? Yes sir. September of next year. Oh hey, February.
20: married. Separated. Oh it went down. Details in the last blog. Hello biological father, Step-Mom (I call her Momma) and whole new addition to my family that's already crazy! I welcome you with warmth!
21: started from the bottom; now we here!!! Haha! If you want the details of my 21st year you can read the last blog, it begins in October.
22: I don't know about you, but I'm feeling twenty-two-ooh-hoo-ooh. Bahaha! I'm gonna take a break here. I'll start fresh tomorrow!

Sweet dreams :-)